


House of Ultimates

by celiaxan



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), F/F, F/M, Fire, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mostly a crackfic, Oma Kokichi Is a Little Shit, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trans Saihara Shuichi, gay panicks every chapter, i like to pretend i'm funny, kaito is oblivious, kokichi is a gay mess, lets all pretend i'm funny, literally just a youtube au, mostly saiouma bc i love them, shuichi is kinda sassy ngl, sometimes a chatfic too, yea you read that right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25669657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celiaxan/pseuds/celiaxan
Summary: K1-B0: Hello! You have been chosen to participate in my new reality TV show with 15 others (myself included). Please respond ASAP if you agree to attend.Shuichi was about to refuse when he remembered everything Kiibo had done for him. After all, he was his editor of six years by now.And so, Shuichi hesitantly replied with a simple ‘sure’. He had no idea how much this would change his life.Or:Shuichi enters a chaotic youtube household, the only thing holding him back is his social anxiety.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu, Amami Rantaro/Shinguji Korekiyo, Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 252
Kudos: 524
Collections: Quality Fics





	1. Welcome to Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate chapter title: "Everything goes to shit and it's only the first chapter."
> 
> Hey everyone who decided to click on this for some reason, hope you have a good stay. It only gets more chaotic from here.

Friday, April 23, 20XX

The second Shuichi Saihara woke up to a message from his editor, Kiibo, he knew it’d be a troublesome day. 

K1-B0: Hello! You have been chosen to participate in my new reality TV show with 15 others (myself included). Please respond ASAP if you agree to attend. 

Shuichi was about to refuse when he remembered everything Kiibo had done for him. After all, he was his editor of six years by now. They met in high school, and he had been one of the only people Shuichi would call a friend. Of course, it had been eight years since high school, but they were still great friends. Shuichi owed Kiibo his channel and his followers. He sighed, and decided it was about time to step out of his comfort zone. 

And so, Shuichi hesitantly replied with a simple ‘sure’. He had no idea how much this would change his life. 

As soon as Shuichi agreed, he was put into a group chat with 15 other people. Two of which were having a fight. 

**[untitled group chat]**

**9:13 AM**

GorgeousGirlGenius: Of course a _virgin_ like you would say something like that

KingHorse: shut it cum dumpster! 

GorgeousGirlGenius: Eek! 

AnxietyHolmes: ...am I interrupting something?

KingHorse: nishishi, not at all cutie~ ;)

_Cutie?_

**[untitled group chat]**

**9:14 AM**

GorgeousGirlGenius: Jesus Cockichi, can you go 5 minutes without flirting with every guy you meet? 

KingHorse: well, what does a filthy whore like you know?

K1-B0: Everyone settle down.

K1-B0: And by everyone, I mean Miu and Kokichi.

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Shots firedddddd

K1-B0: Anyways, everyone here has agreed to take place in my new reality show “House of Ultimates” where I gather the most popular (or in other words, _ultimate_ ) youtubers. 

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Sponsored by yours truly. 

Assassin: I only joined because you edit my videos. 

K1-B0: That’s precisely why I chose you all :D, I thought it would be easier to contact the youtubers I edit videos for. 

KingHorse: cut the chit chat, when and where is this thing? 

LuminaryoftheStars: I, KAITO MOMOTA LUMINARY OF THE STARS, WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW WHEN THIS EVENT TAKES PLACE!!

K1-B0: Thank you for your enthusiasm, Kaito! 

LuminaryoftheStars: YOU ARE WELCOME KIIBO!!!

K1-B0: Here’s the information:

  * The event will take place between May 1-April 30. Yes, a whole year.
  * We will be staying in one of Rantaro’s houses that he generously lent us in exchange for promoting his family’s business.
  * Bedrooms, toiletries, and food will be provided. However, things such as clothes, personal items, filming equipment, technology, and pets will not be provided.
  * Speaking of pets, THEY ARE ALLOWED :D! There is a maximum of two pets per person, and if you let me know beforehand, I will provide food and bedding for them. (The only exception for this pet rule is Gonta as he has stated that his bugs are not pets. Gonta, you are allowed to bring all your bugs as long as you keep them in your room and don’t bring them out.) 
  * I am not asking for you to stop making videos. The bedrooms are all sound proofed, so do not worry about disturbing your neighbor. 
  * This is 100% free, meaning that you will be able to live here without paying rent, buying food, all of that. You are a guest here, and _do_ make yourself at home. 
  * If you have any more questions, let me know!



The replies were instant.

**[untitled group chat]**

**9:21**

GorgeousGirlGenius: The rooms are sound proof, huh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PianoFreak: Thank you so much! What’s the address for the house? 

BugBoi: Gonta thank Kiibo for let Gonta bring bug friend

KingHorse: @GorgeousGirlGenius nishishi, and you wonder why I call you a whore. everyone, the stupid cunt is on the loose again 

KingHorse: hide your children 

RealLifeMage: nyeh...are the beds comfy?

HowToKirumi: Do you mind if I take care of the cooking and cleaning? As a thanks for letting us stay for a year. 

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: TENKO WOULD LIKE THE SAME ROOM AS HIMIKO!

GorgeousGirlGenius: @KingHorse Well maybe if you stop typing out your stupid laugh, I’ll consider being more PG, you little shit. 

KingHorse: @AvocadoDoesMakeup WAHHHHHHHHH MIU IS BULLYING ME AGAINNNNNN

CatPrisoner: Are we trapped in the house? I want to know for.... personal reasons

AvocadoDoesMakeup: @KingHorse welp, can’t help ya there.

AvocadoDoesMakeup: @GorgeousGirlGenius if you make fun of my honorary little brother again, I’ll make you wish you were never born. 

GorgeousGirlGenius: Eep!!

GorgeousGirlGenius: W-well maybe t-the little b-bitch deserved i-it.

KingHorse: ...did you just stutter through text?

KingHorse: you fucking furry

KingHorse: weeb

KingHorse: roleplayer 

PlainJaneCosplays: What’s wrong with being a furry? Or a weeb? Or a roleplayer? 

KingHorse: @PlainJaneCosplays everything 

KingHorse: or was that a lie? nishishi~~

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Don’t think you’re off the hook either Kokichi

KingHorse: @AvocadoDoesMakeup you can’t get mad at me, I’m babey :3 

AvocadoDoesMakeup: FOR THE TENTH FUCKING TIME

AvocadoDoesMakeup: BEING BABEY

AvocadoDoesMakeup: DOES NOT

AvocadoDoesMakeup: EXCUSE YOU 

AvocadoDoesMakeup: FOR BULLYING MIU

KingHorse: you didn’t deny I was babey though (◕‿◕✿)

AvocadoDoesMakeup: ASLKDFJALSKDJFLKASJDLKFJSALKDJFLKJ

K1-B0: This seems like a good time to step in and answer your questions

K1-B0: @PianoFreak A party bus (yes, you read that right) is picking all of you up, so you will not need to know the address.

K1-B0: @RealLifeMage The beds are very comfy, do not worry!! 

K1-B0: @HowToKirumi I do not mind you taking over most of the household chores! However, you are still a guest, so please do not overwork yourself! :D

K1-B0: @DefenseFromDegenerateMales There will be separate rooms for you all to sleep and record videos in, but you can share a room with Himiko if you want. 

K1-B0: @CatPrisoner You are not, by any means, trapped in the house, nor are you required to stick around all of the time. But it is preferred that you participate in the activities that take place around every other week, and that you sleep in the rooms provided. 

K1-B0: Again, if anyone has any more questions, do not be afraid to ask!!

GorgeousGirlGenius: Yo, you forgot about my question about the rooms being soundproofed

K1-B0: Trust me, I did not forget. 

KingHorse: DAMN, Kiibo roasted your ass real good

PianoFreak: I’m so excited!!! I can’t wait to meet you all!!

AnxietyHolmes: oh, Kaede… you’re here too?

PianoFreak: HI SHUICHI! Thank god, you’re also here! Now I’m more excited! 

Atua’sVessel: May Angie ask who this “god” is? 

AvocadoDoesMakeup: LMAO, did you seriously just ask that?????

KorkTalks: I also cannot wait for this _interesting_ event. Is there a basement? 

K1-B0: There is!!

KorkTalks: _Wonderful_

KingHorse: so no one’s gonna say anything about that? 

KingHorse: no one?

KingHorse: ok

Assassin: I admit this sounds somewhat fun. 

GorgeousGirlGenius: I think we’re forgetting the REAL question here

GorgeousGirlGenius: Are we getting paid?

K1-B0: Unfortunately, we do not have the money to pay all of you, so you will not be paid. 

K1-B0: Sorry.

PianoFreak: Don’t worry about it Kiibo!! I’m sure we’re all already thankful for the opportunity to be in your show!! 

BugBoi: Gonta agree!

K1-B0: Thank you guys :D. 

K1-B0: Well, see you all in about a week! Have a good day :). 

PianoFreak: Byeee!!! You have a good day too!!

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Thx for all of this Kiibo

AnxietyHolmes: yea, thanks kiibo

KingHorse: nishishi~ i can’t wait either! or was that a lie?

GorgeousGirlGenius: Just when I thought you couldn’t get cooler, you prove me wrong!

RealLifeMage: nyehhh…

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: TENKO SHALL TRANSLATE FROM HIMIKO SAID! SHE SAYS “I can’t wait to try out the beds!” 

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: TENKO AGREES WITH HIMIKO

CatPrisoner: what could go wrong

KorkTalks: Famous last words… 

PlainJaneCosplays: AAAAAAAAAA, THIS REMINDS ME OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES

PlainJaneCosplays: THE ROOMMATES TROPE

PlainJaneCosplays: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHO GETS TOGETHER <3

HowToKirumi: Thank you Kiibo

Atua’sVessel: Atua says this is a wonderful idea!! 

K1-B0: Thank you all for your support! It is all very touching. 

K1-B0: Bye!

LuminaryoftheStars: ...IS IT TOO LATE NOW TO ASK WHAT ENTHUSIASM MEANS? 

LuminaryoftheStars: ...OK


	2. The Meet-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He put away his luggage, like he was told, and now faced the true conflict. Social interaction. Shuichi took a few deep breaths before stepping in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: Shuichi's anxiety sets in for 7000 words
> 
> Hello! Yeah, I'm back. Surprise! Sorry for the super long chapter, I just wanted to explain some background information properly. 
> 
> A few things:  
> \- this au is set in the US of A since I actually know how things work over there, so that's why they aren't using honorifics and also why their high school years are going to be 4 instead of 3.  
> \- I will try to update every week on sundays, so stay tuned until next time  
> \- also! shuichi's youtube name is taken from kzkanzaki on insta from their youtube au from ouma month. go check them out >:3
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

Friday, May 1, 20XX

“When is it going to get here?” Kaede asked for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. 

“Kiibo said it would get here at 10… it’s 9:49. I’d say 11 minutes,” Shuichi replied, rolling his eyes. 

“Sorry, I guess I’m a little excited,” she confessed, silently tapping a piano piece on her suitcase. 

Shuichi raised an eyebrow, “A little?” 

“Fine, fine. I’m _really_ excited. Is that what you’re hoping to hear?”

Kaede Akamatsu. Shuichi’s first and best friend. They were childhood friends, as they met in grade school, and she was the first person who tried to convince Shuichi to go full-time on youtube after being fired at his detective job for “ignoring his team”. It wasn’t _his_ fault that he thought he worked better alone. It wasn’t his fault that everyone else on his team was incompetent. _He was right in the end, so why did it matter what he needed to do to reach that conclusion-_

Anyway… 

Kaede, herself, also had a youtube channel called “Piano Freak” where she posts videos of her covers, and more recently, her music videos. She started in their high school days and just hit the 10 million subscriber goal last month. She publishes videos pretty regularly, and tries to keep a weekly upload schedule. Shuichi was actually featured in a few of her videos. Despite all of that, she still performs at venues as a main source of income. 

“Did you hear?” Kaede asked, breaking Shuichi’s train of thought, “Sayaka agreed to collab with me to create a new music album!” 

“That’s great,” Kaede had come up with an idea of a piano-only music album called ‘The Melody of Pianos’, “How much did you have to pay her to go along with the idea?” 

Kaede pouted, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear, glaring at Shuichi with her light pink eyes, “Don’t even suggest that! She actually thought it was a great idea, and said she couldn’t wait to get started. You want to be sassy? Two can play at that game. Don’t even get me _started_ on those horrid eyebags on your face. And for god’s sake, can you put your hat away? It isn’t even that bright out!” 

Shuichi didn’t even need to check if he had eyebags, he knew for a fact he did. He was a bit disappointed that his makeup (with amazing eyeliner and mascara) didn’t cover it up though, and only pulled his hat on more, “I’m sorry about the eyebags. I was just doing some… research last night...” 

The lie was weak, he knew, but he didn’t expect Kaede to find out so quickly, “Really now? What kind of research? Research about your next ghost exploration, or… don’t tell me you did research of everyone participating in the reality TV show.” 

Shuichi looked towards the ground, pulling on his hat more, once again, giving Kaede all the confirmation she needed. In all honesty, Shuichi completely forgot he had a video deadline by next Friday, and he mentally kicked himself for not working on that instead. 

Shuichi’s channel is an investigation channel called “Anxiety Holmes”. Before he decided to do youtube full-time, he had been a theory channel specializing in theories about cold cases. These days, however, horror videos have been more popular. So instead of researching and theorizing on fascinating true crime/cold cases (such as the Boy in the Box), he had to turn to more paranormal investigations. Paranormal as in legitimate haunted locations. Like “The Goatman’s Bridge” that he visited two months ago. He also had (terrifying) memories from the “Queen Mary Ship” that he visited just a couple weeks ago. 

“Actually, I have a location in mind. It’s one of my last locations to visit until the season finale, so I thought I would spend the night. I got permission, but I… don’t really want to go alone. So, um, can you go with me?” Shuichi asked, hoping she wouldn’t go all ‘mom-mode’ and chew him out again for not discussing the idea with her first. 

Instead, Kaede just took out her phone, obviously checking her calendar, and sighed, “When is it?” 

“N-next Monday.” 

“And you ask me now?!?!” 

“Sorry, I forgot.”

She gave Shuichi a look that just screamed ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ and groaned, “Well I’m sorry Shuichi, but you’re on your own. I have a piano performance that day. I would try and postpone, but it’s an important one that’s being held at the Symphony Hall in Boston. Good luck though.” 

“It’s fine, I’ll just go with another friend.” 

Kaede shot him a look saying ‘thought you didn’t have any other friends,’ but Shuichi chose to ignore it. 

He changed the topic instead, “Who are you most excited to meet?”

Kaede’s eyes lit up, “Definitely Tenko! Her defense videos have been really useful to me, and she’s such an inspiration to boys and girls everywhere! What about you?”

Shuichi looked down again, “I don’t know, I guess I’m kind of looking forward to meeting everyone?” 

“Lies.”

“Huh?”

“Come on, I’m not an idiot. Your bisexual disaster ass probably searched up that guy who flirted with you first. I know what you’re like, and let me just say that I’m getting to know him first to see if he even deserves you.”

“Kaede, please don’t. It was probably a joke anyway. I don’t even know if he’s gay.”

“You don’t deny searching him up first though,” Kaede teased, smirking.

“...Shut uppppp,” Shuichi groaned, exaggerating the ‘p’. 

“Would you look at that, the bus is here. Grab your stuff,” Kaede said, changing the topic. They both grabbed their suitcases filled with their necessities and filming equipment, and headed onto the bus. The bus where the lights were bouncing off the walls, and the music was blaring. Shuichi could make out at least six people that were probably drunk already, and he could feel his anxiety skyrocketing when Kiibo greeted him.

“Hey Shuichi! Hi Kaede! Just load your suitcases in the back and join us. I’ll be driving, so try not to disturb me. We still have to pick up Tenko, Himiko, Kokichi, and Gonta. Thank you, again, for joining.” 

“No problem, Kiibo!” Kaede chirped, trying to make conversation while Shuichi silently slipped away. He put away his luggage, like he was told, and now faced the true conflict. Social interaction. Shuichi took a few deep breaths before stepping in. 

\- FREE TIME START -

As soon as Shuichi stepped in, Kaito greeted him, “Why hello there new potential sidekick! It’s me, KAITO MOMOTA, LUMINARY OF THE STARS!! What’s your name?”

Kaito Momota, the name sounded familiar. Kaito has an athletic training channel, if he remembered correctly. Shuichi, wanting to get into shape a couple years back, had watched his videos recommended by Kaede. To his surprise, instead of videos of Kaito following along with the exercises and providing tips, the videos were of Kaito distracting the viewers from the pain of working out with stories of his life. Many of which were about his plans for space. 

However, that was back then when Kaito had just started out. Now, Kaito has a bit over 9 million subscribers, Shuichi was one of them. 

Shuichi gulped before answering, “I’m… Shuichi Saihara. I have a youtube channel called Anxiety Holmes, you may have heard of me as the ‘emo detective’. I assure you that at least one of those things is true. Nice to meet you,” Shuichi mentally patted himself on the back, those hours of rehearsing what to say yesterday did not go to waste. 

“You look familiar…” was all Kaito said back before he went into a ‘thinking position’ and thought for a bit. The awkward silence made Shuichi want to claw his eyes out and pull out all his hair, but it was soon over, “Oh! I remember now,” Kaito exclaimed, snapping his fingers, “Did you, by any chance, go to Hope's Peak Academy?” 

Shuichi was surprised when he heard the name of his old high school, ‘ _frick, I don’t have a cue card for this’_.

“Y-yea, I did. Why?”

“I knew it!! Remember AP Physics??? I sat two rows behind you!! We were partnered together once for a lab that you took all the control over even though I definitely knew what I was doing.” 

Shuichi tried recalling that _horrid_ class, a memory of a tall, _loud_ , and purple-headed idiot came to mind, “Ah, r-right. Sorry for forgetting, it’s… been a while. I suppose you already knew my name then.”

“Nah man, you’re all good. After all, we didn’t really talk outside of that one time we got partnered together. Let’s change that this time! Whaddaya say we become better friends this time rather than staying strangers.”

Shuichi smiled, “I’d like that. After all, it’s not like we can really ignore each other with the whole living together for a year thing.” 

Kaito smiled back, giving a thumbs up, “You’ve got that right!” It was then that Shuichi finally noticed a rather silent individual next to them sitting and listening to their whole conversation, “Ah”, Kaito continued, “Where are my manners? Shuichi, this is Maki!! She also went to Hope's Peak.”

Shuichi glanced at the girl. He didn’t quite remember her that well either, but she seemed like the kind of person to be able to blend in with the shadows. The name ‘Maki’, however, wasn’t ringing a bell, “You are…?”

Her eyes cut to Shuichi’s, a glare pierced him for just a second before she finally stood and reached her hand out, “You may know me better as my channel name, ‘Assassin’,” 

Shuichi froze, now _that_ name was familiar. Assassin was a gaming channel known for it’s completely silent god-tier gameplay. From the few clips of gameplay Shuichi watched, he knew that Assassin usually plays games like “Call of Duty” and “PUBG“, but what really got them their infamy was their gameplay of “Hitman”. 

Shuichi had watched a few videos of the series with over 106 million views, and he had to admit that they were talented. Assassin carried out the missions and levels with record time and skill. And Shuichi just _knew_ that most of the viewers watched for that satisfying head shot. Every. Single. Time. It’s like they had experienced this type of thing before. The editor insists that all of them were never rerecorded, and that the youtuber had gotten through the levels on the first try, which Shuichi would’ve thought was a bit ridiculous if he didn’t know Kiibo personally. And Kiibo never lies. 

There was a rumor that one of the first “Hitman” gameplay videos got demonetized, and that the youtuber personally went to the main youtube headquarters to file a complaint. After that, none of their videos ever got demonetized ever again. Shuichi doesn’t know if the rumor is true, but it is strange how Assassin never gets demonetized… That was an issue for another day though. 

Until that point, the youtuber Assassin with over 10 million subscribers had never been seen before. There were rumors that they’re actually just a guy living in his mother’s basement, a teenage girl going through her emo phase, or, the most wild of all, an actual experienced assassin making money through this channel as a part time gig. Now, Shuichi sees this girl with sharp red eyes and brown hair brushed into twintails fidgeting with an old locket necklace. It was a bit hard to believe that this was _the_ Assassin. 

Shuichi shook her hand, “I’m Shuichi Saihara.” 

“I know,” Maki replied bluntly. 

The awkward silence makes a comeback, and Shuichi starts to regret living. He was about to break the silence when someone else did it for him. 

“...and you’re Shuichi, yes?” a regal, mature voice asked.

Shuichi turned around, “Yes, that’s me,” he was met with a woman with short sandy, dirty blonde hair. She was wearing a traditional maid’s dress, and her eyes were a warm green color. Shuichi immediately knew who she was, but she introduced herself anyway. 

“Hello, I’m Kirumi Tojo. Please call me if you require assistance.” 

Kirumi had a channel called “How To Kirumi” that made tutorials ranging from how to do laundry to cooking five course meals to making aesthetically pleasing birthday cards. Shuichi watched a few of her tutorials back when he first started living by himself and had no idea how to iron out shirts. 

She has about 11 million followers, and it showed no sign of stopping. Her followers tend to call her ‘Mom’, but from the few videos Shuichi watched, he had yet to find out why. 

“Also,” Kirumi continued, “If you happen to see or hear a purple gremlin child yelling for his ‘Panta’, tell me immediately.” 

“....ok,” was all Shuichi could say before Kirumi rushed off to the sound of loud laughter. Shuichi wanted to check it out, but he could feel the headache coming from a mile away, so he walked in the other direction. Kaede was already introducing herself to Kaito and Maki, so Shuichi tried to sit on the corner sofa. 

Key word: _tried._

It hadn’t even been a minute before he heard a low voice call him, “First time here?” 

Shuichi looked around before his eyes fell on a short dude with a cat beanie chewing on a candy cigarette. Or at least, Shuichi thought it was a candy cigarette. 

“I guess it’s my first time on a party bus, but then again, I’ve never been really good with social interactions,” Shuichi replied, sighing as he saw Kaede get along with more people. 

“I get you, dude. I’ve just been sitting here the whole time, and no one’s even noticed.” 

Shuichi was taken aback by the response, but continued anyway, “I’m Shuichi Saihara.” 

“I know, I heard you introduce yourself to that tall dumb guy and the scary girl. It was a bold attempt, kid, I like your guts, but it was obviously draining,” the guy took a breath, and resumed, “I’m Ryoma Hoshi.”

They shook hands.

Ryoma Hoshi. Famous for his channel ‘Cat Prisoner’. He usually posts cute cat videos and athletic videos, but every month on the full moon, he posts a _sketchy_ video. Sketchy as in “How to escape prison with nothing but a magazine and a fork”, “Signs of a weak spot on chains for breaking”, and Shuichi’s personal favorite, “How to break into a house, steal all the sticky notes, and get away without leaving any fingerprints”. Whenever asked about these videos, Ryoma would deny anything about posting them. Some speculate that 90% of his 9.2 million followers are only there for the “illegal” videos. 

Shuichi was tempted to ask about the videos then and there, but when he turned around, Ryoma was gone. In his place, however, was a girl with long blue hair that curled at the ends and pale blue eyes that were shielded by silver-rimmed glasses. 

“OH! MY! GOD!!! You have the _perfect_ vibe to cosplay as Tamaki Amajiki from Boku no Hero Academia!! Just hold that same plain pose and face the wall. No- You have to have that same look of plain distress on your face. UGH, the _one_ time I don’t have my sewing machine with me. I have my tape measure though! Spread your arms, how tall would you say you are?” she rambled, jumping from one place to another, pulling a tape measure from _god knows where._ Shuichi’s headache was making another appearance and he could only _guess_ who was the cause. 

“W-who are you?” Shuichi finally stuttered in an attempt to get the girl to back off, but it clearly didn’t work. 

“AAAAA, the stuttering!! The cliche shy, smart boy that knows more than he lets on. GAH, I wish I had my computer!!!” she pulled out her phone from, what Shuichi would assume, thin air, and immediately started ranting while typing, only stopping to glance at Shuichi every once in a while, “Theshyboywasatotalreclusethroughhighschool, onlysteppingoutfromhisholeofahouseto getsomecoffeeandmaybesomeramen. Onedaywhileoutonawalkhemeetsa-” she paused, “Do you like boys or girls?” 

Shuichi was about to comment on the rambling before deciding it wouldn’t be the best idea, and just answered truthfully, “...I’m bisexual,” 

He immediately regretted his decision once she returned to her writing, “-shortboy withpurplestreaksinhishair. Theboywasobviouslyanorphan, hecouldconclude, fromtheway hedressedandwalked. Alsohewasinfrontofanorphanage, sothat’sabigdecidertoo. Theshyboy couldconcludethattheotherboywasabouthisageandsatnextto him, offeringanextracoffeehe coincidentallyhadgottenthatda-” 

Shuichi couldn’t take it anymore, “I’m sorry, b-but..umm… who are you?”

The girl stopped typing, “I’m, the one and only, Tsumugi Shirogane,” she huffed, “And by one and only, I really do mean like everyone else. I’m quite plain, you see.”

Shuichi rolled his eyes underneath his hat, because _all_ plain girls he knew had blue hair and started writing about strangers, “I’m Shuichi Saihara, nice to meet you.” 

“Oh! Didn’t we go to the same plain high school? Hope’s Peak. I was your classmate in that creative writing class. 11th grade. Surely you remember?” she asked expectantly. 

“Yeah,” Shuichi lied. He didn’t remember anything about that class, but he did remember taking it, “There’s quite a few people from Hope’s Peak here.” 

“I would think so, after all, where else would Kiibo have met us?” 

Shuichi felt like rolling his eyes again. Why yes, where else in these eight years since high school could Kiibo have met all the people he edited videos for? He ignored that thought though and just said, “I guess...” 

Tsumugi was an anime and cosplay channel called “Plain Jane Cosplays” with a bit over 10 million subscribers. Her channel really was the opposite of average. Her colorful cosplays are known throughout the anime community, and she’s mentioned in every forum about the topic. Her opinions and cosplays are well respected throughout the community, and she influences all the new big hits of manga. 

Some speculate that she writes dirty fanfiction on ao3 and Wattpad, but it’s never been confirmed. The anime enthusiasts bring out video evidence of her making references to it, but others just think that they’re purely coincidental, or maybe she’s just an avid reader. However, some still find it suspicious how she made a reference to a chapter that wasn’t out yet…

Shuichi was brought back by Tsumugi’s mumbling, “Hmmmm….” 

“What?” Shuichi asked. 

“Oh! No... nothing, I just realized that I’ve heard of you. Anxiety Holmes?” she clasped her hands together and gasped, “My analysis of you was right!! You are a shy and smart guy, and from that look on your face, you know more than you’re letting on. Interesting... “ Tsumugi started rambling under her breath again. 

Shuichi tried backing away slowly. So slowly, that when the bus came to a stop, he fell forward at full force. Shuichi cussed, which was drowned out by the couple entering the bus. 

“-AND I TOLD THEM TO FUCK OFF, BECAUSE HIMIKO IS MINE. Stupid degenerate males!” 

“Tenko, please, I do not need to know how you almost beat up a guy for hitting on Himiko. Can you, first, put your luggage in the back?” Shuichi heard Kiibo say to the taller girl. 

“All I’m saying is that he was lucky that I didn’t have my nun-chucks on me.” 

“Tenko! Can you help me load my suitcase...nyeh. I would do it myself...but I’m a...bit sleepy,” the other girl said, dozing off a bit mid-sentence.

“Of course!!” 

The two put their four suitcases in the back, and walked into the bus. 

“Eurgh!” the taller girl said, making a face, “It smells like degenerate males in here.” 

The girl, in question, was a rather masculine looking girl. She had dark green eyes, but her hair was an even darker shade of green. So much so that it looked almost black. She wore her hair in two ribbon-like pigtails. 

Kaede didn’t waste any time, “Hi Tenko! I love your videos, and they’re so much help for me!! It really made me feel safe back in my college days, and you’re such an inspiration to me!!” 

Tenko flushed, clearly not expecting to meet a fan, “Thank you so much! Girls like you are the reason why I work so hard everyday,”

Next to Tenko, the shorter redhead girl pouted. 

“Ah, right! This is Himiko, my girlfriend. I know she’s cute, but if you hit on her, I will steal your kneecaps,” Tenko explained. 

“I told you not to introduce me, I can do that myself…” Himiko complained, but Shuichi thought she looked relieved as well. 

Tenko and Himiko... They also went to Hope’s Peak. Shuichi clearly remembered Tenko outrunning every guy and girl in school on the track team, including the teachers. It was the talk of the school for a whole week. She was also the martial arts champion for all her four years of high school. 

Tenko, now, has a channel called “Defense from Degenerate Males” with almost 12 million subscribers. She taught regular defense techniques, but you can only get so far on those. Nowadays, she takes requests, which leads to some interesting videos. Examples include, but are not limited to, “How To Beat a Degenerate with a Rubber Chicken and Three Matches”, “10 Fighting Styles with a Bouquet of Daffodils and a Picture Frame”, and recently, “I Teach my Girlfriend How To Fight with a Spatula and Her Two Feet”.

Some people say she’s running out of ideas, but Shuichi thinks these new videos are actually just getting her more views. 

Himiko has a magic account called “Real Life Mage” with 9.8 million subscribers. She claims she’s a real mage, and that her magic is 100% authentic. She has magic trick tutorials for her followers that she dubs “muggles” for some reason, and says that it doesn’t even come close to her master’s talent. Everyone tries to prove her magic isn’t real, but not one person has even come close to unmasking her tricks.

The two came out and started dating over four years ago, or at least, that’s when people were told. Lots of people were supportive, but some couldn’t accept their sexuality and backed out, causing a bit of drama. 

“I’m Shuichi Saihara,” he said, already knowing Kaede would’ve forced him to introduce himself anyway. 

Tenko wrinkled her nose, “You’re… a degenerate male? Yes? I wouldn’t like to assume,”

“Y-yes,” Shuichi stuttered, raising his hand to shake hers, but Tenko pushed it away. 

“I… don’t do handshakes. At least, not with guys. If you get a sex change, however, I’ll gladly shake your hand! And if you try to touch me, I’ll fling you across this bus. Anyway, I’m Tenko Chabashira.”

“Well, I wouldn’t like to get a sex change _again,_ that’s kinda the whole point of doing it in the first place, but if you’re that uncomfortable with handshakes, I won’t push you,” Shuichi shot back.

“And I’m Himiko Yumeno!” Himiko said, resolving the tension, “Nice to meet you…” and that was when she dozed off. 

“HIMIKO!” Tenko yelled, “Hold on, lemme carry you to the sofa.”

Tenko then proceeded to carry Himiko, bridal style, like she weighed nothing, shooting glares at anyone who stood in her way. Shuichi sighed, and turned the other way. 

A voice popped out behind him, “Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior, Atua?” 

Shuichi jumped. Quite literally. But when he looked back, he saw a girl wearing nothing but a bikini and a yellow poncho that had splatters of dried paint. She had white hair tied into two pigtails, and a paintbrush between her fingers. 

“A two what?” Shuichi responded. 

“Atua! Our god! He only uses me as a messenger to show others his way. Are you interested in learning?” the girl said, with such enthusiasm, that Shuichi was both curious and afraid. He changed the subject instead. 

“Um… what’s your name?”

“You need not my name, but Atua’s blessing! Don’t you get it? We’re only held back by our names. Chained down. Trapped. But Atua has given us freedom! Shown us the light!! He has been merciful with his power!!!” the girl stopped her rant to breath, “However, you can call me Angie. Angie Yonaga.” 

Angie Yonaga, that name was quite familiar recently. She had almost been arrested for arson claiming it was “Atua’s Wish”, but had gotten declared as innocent without a trial for some unknown reason (which she also said was Atua’s doing). The girl had a youtube channel called “Atua’s Vessel” with almost 15 million subscribers where she made various art projects and even a few sculptures. She made occasional cult videos, but no one ever thought she was serious about it until she was arrested for it. 

“So…” Shuichi said, in an attempt to break the silence with the humming girl, “You’re an artist...?”

“Nonsense!” Angie growled, “Atua has simply given me temporary talent. He is using me as a body, I’m the one that’s possessed by my muse when I create. It isn’t my artwork, I’m not the artist, Atua is!”

Shuichi found it easier to just agree, “That’s nice...”

“Truly! Atua will bless everyone! If you want to learn more, please talk with me after we settle in the house! Goodbye for now, and have an Atua blessed day!”

Angie then started towards another victim, uh- _person_. Shuichi was bound to his silent cove again. Only for a few minutes though. The bus stopped again, which Shuichi was more prepared for this time, and in stepped a tiny child with purple hair. Upon further investigation, Shuichi found out that it was actually another youtuber. 

“Hey hey! Wassup Kiiboy! Just kidding, I don’t care!” he greeted, sliding his sunglasses off, “That was a lie. Don’t tell me I’m one of the last ones to be picked up! Disappointing honestly. The party doesn’t even start until I show up.”

“Oh, shut up you purple twink!” someone yelled from the back of the bus. 

“Fuck off Miu! Honestly, can’t you go one day without being a total bitchlet!!” 

Kaede gave Shuichi a look that said ‘this one?’. Despite Kaede’s obvious disapproval, she still tried to make conversation. “Hi! My name’s Kaede Akamatsu, do you need help with your luggage?” 

“Name’s Phillip. John Phillip. Don’t wear it out! I don’t need your help with my luggage! Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I can’t do things myself,” he said, pouting. 

Kaede’s eyes widened and she stepped back, “Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say you were incapable! I was just wondering if you needed help. Which seems silly to assume now that I think about it. Really, I’m so sorry.”

A guy with green hair appeared next to him, “Knock it off, Kokichi,” he said in a stern voice, “You don’t have to apologize, he’s just messing with you,” he turned back to the other guy, “Introduce yourself properly this time.” 

“Geez, you don’t let me have any fun. Right, my name’s Kokichi Ouma. I’m not blind. You offered to take my luggage. I accept,” Kokichi turned to Rantaro, “Happy now?”

“Yes.”

Shuichi tried to intervene, but Kaede glared at him which Shuichi took as ‘If you talk to him before I approve of him, I will _end_ you,’ so he backed off. 

While Kaede and Kokichi took care of luggage though (it turned out he had around 12 suitcases, and two of them were empty), Rantaro walked up to Shuichi. 

“I don’t believe we’ve met before, my name is Rantaro Amami,” now that Shuichi had a closer look, he could see that Rantaro had multiple piercings on his ears, along with his trademark necklace, and other jewelry choices. 

Shuichi chuckled, “I’m pretty sure everyone knows who you are around here, I’m Shuichi Saihara.” 

It was true, everyone knew who Rantaro was. With his devilish good looks and vibrant personality, it was hard not to know. Even back in high school, since Rantaro also went to Hope’s Peak, he was always popular. Shuichi didn’t know him well, he couldn’t even get close to him without his entire fan club full of girls (and the occasional guys) getting in the way. 

Now, Rantaro has a makeup channel with a bit under 18 million subscribers called “Avocado Does Makeup”. The guy had a natural gift for makeup, and could do his eyeliner in one try without a mirror (seriously, it was a whole video). The videos that really blew up his channel though, were the videos he did makeup on his sisters. 

Being a rich family, it was expected to have an heir or many kids, however Rantaro’s mother was unable to have children. That didn’t stop her from raising children though, and she made it her goal to gather poor orphan girls from different ethnicities and backgrounds to represent diversity. She got to one orphanage in Europe, though, and found a frail girl that was quite obviously being bullied by the other kids there, and when she mentioned it to the staff, they didn’t really seem to care, so she tried to adopt the child. 

What she didn’t know was that the child had an older brother that was scarred with bruises from trying to protect his sister. After discussing with her husband, she chose to adopt them both, and take them under her protection. And that’s how Rantaro, unknowingly, became the big brother to 12 (and counting) little sisters. 

The story was plastered all over the news and internet, warming hearts everywhere. To add onto it, Rantaro made videos where he brought his sisters in his studio and brought out their natural beauty using makeup, reminding everyone that they’re all beautiful in their own way. The videos blew up, making him one of the most successful youtubers of that year. 

“Actually,” Rantaro replied, interrupting Shuichi’s thinking process, “I think I do know you. From high school, I mean.”

“W-what?” Shuichi said, not wanting his voice to crack, but it did anyway. 

“Yea, you were the detective that found my sister, right? Her name was Clarisse? I’m sorry about her by the way.”

Shuichi did remember that case, a young girl named Clarisse went missing for about 4 days, and Shuichi found her in 7 hours. Turns out, she just went to an out-of-city concert, and forgot to tell anybody. “Yes, it’s fine, I got extra credit for it, after all,” Shuichi said, trying to make a joke, but then realized how cynical it must’ve sounded, “N-not that I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t get credit. That’s not what I meant! I would’ve found her for good sport, haha... I mean! Not that I _want_ your sister to go missing! I mean...” Shuichi stopped himself, “I’ll...just stop talking now...” 

Rantaro laughed, “Don’t worry, I know what you’re trying to say.”

Shuichi looked above Rantaro’s shoulder, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. He liked to think he was looking for his will to live. 

He subconsciously let his eyes wander to a certain _somebody_. And by somebody, he meant the foul-mouthed guy that Shuichi refused to believe was over 5’2”. He was (happily?) chatting with Kaede, who seemed to regret her decision. 

Shuichi tried looking deeper, a skill he acquired as a high school wallflower, but he just liked to think he was observant. The skill was needed in detective work, after all. Kokichi’s hands were behind his head, his body chilling against a wall, occasionally leaning out a bit or raising his voice to give dramatic effect to his joke. He seemed to be enjoying himself whenever Kaede fell for another lie, yet his smile never quite reached his eyes. 

Eventually, Kokichi caught Shuichi staring, but instead of being uncomfortable or nervous, he just smiled and winked at Shuichi, which completely threw him off guard. Shuichi quickly looked away, hoping his hat concealed his blush, and turned back to Rantaro who had just noticed Shuichi was a bit distracted. 

“-just wondering if you guys have met yet. Shuichi...? Hello? Earth to Shuichi!”

Shuichi had enough social class and knowledge from watching Kaede converse with others to know he was supposed to respond, “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to zone out there.”

“I’ll say! What were you staring at?” Rantaro asked curiously.

“N-nothing, really!” Shuichi lied, knowing how pathetic he sounded, “I was kinda just staring into space, haha...” 

Whether Rantaro caught onto the lie, Shuichi didn’t know, but he didn’t push the truth out, “Alright. Anyway, I was just asking if you’ve met Korekiyo yet. Korekiyo Shinguji?”

Once again, a name wasn’t unfamiliar to Shuichi. This time, for different reasons though. He remembered Korekiyo, who also went to Hope’s Peak (surprise, surprise), getting detention for a month for trying to perform a summoning ritual with 5 other students. Which wouldn’t be a problem if he hadn’t performed them on school grounds. At midnight. And without the other student’s permission. It had turned out he invited five random students as sacrifices/vessels without them knowing, but it turned out to be for nothing because the security guard found Korekiyo before they even started. 

Now, Korekiyo has a youtube channel with 10 million subscribers called “Kork Talks”. Shuichi has seen theories on why the channel is named that, every single one getting wilder than the last. He admits that the name is a bit misplaced for a channel that is dedicated to the art of human cultures and countries. The true treasure cove for anthropology. Korekiyo has managed to get interviews with many celebrities, scientists, and researchers that have sworn their lives to secrecy before Korekiyo had managed to score an interview with them. Many suggest the interviews are fake, but none of the celebrities have ever confirmed that they were, so the theories continue to live on. 

However, standing before Shuichi, was a tall male with long black hair that flowed to his waist and yellow eyes. The eyes were unlike Shuichi’s warm bright yellow eyes as they were piercing. Almost golden. 

“No, I don’t believe I have,” Shuichi said, secretly hoping that doesn’t mean he has to meet more people. 

“You haven’t? Oh, I can introduce you guys real quick,” Rantaro said excitedly. Shuichi could tell he only had good intentions, but his social anxiety really can’t take this. 

Rantaro must’ve seen Shuichi’s discomfort, so he introduced Shuichi for him, “Hey Korekiyo, this is Shuichi Saihara. You know? From Anxiety Holmes. And Shuichi, this is Korekiyo. I’m sure you know who he is.”

Korekiyo adjusted his trademark face mask before greeting them, “Good morning. Pleased to make your acquaintance….” 

Rantaro read his mood almost immediately, “What’s wrong?”

Korekiyo sighed, “It’s just… I’ve never remembered a time where you didn’t call me Kiyo.”

“I swear to god, not now,” Rantaro whispered, glaring. 

Shuichi suddenly felt very awkward. 

“But darling, how are we going to give fuel to the rumors~” Korekiyo whispered back. 

“I thought you hated the rumors.”

“They’re actually pretty funny.”

Shuichi wanted to tell them they weren’t nearly as good as whispering as they thought they were, but then he’d have to explain why he’d been just standing there listening. He had actually heard some rumors that the two were dating, and just seeing the two of them interact, it was clear to see why it was such a popular theory. 

“I _will_ get Miu right now to testify my point.” Rantaro threatened, still whispering.

“Do it, I dare you.” Korekiyo challenged. 

And so, Rantaro did, leaving Shuichi with the stranger for a bit. On the outside, Shuichi hoped he looked at least somewhat composed, because he was just dying on the inside. He hoped the new person that was, apparently, joining their discussion would at least be slightly quie-  
“What do you want, you fuckers? I was eyeing quite an attractive girl that I want in my bed by the end of the night before you whores dragged me here, so this better be worth it, you hear me??” the new voice screamed, scaring Shuichi. 

_Oh no, she’s LOUD._

“Oh! You’re not bad-looking yourself. Say, handsome, why don’t you talk with a gorgeous girl genius for a few minutes. That’s right, it’s me, the legendary Miu Iruma!!” Miu laughed, which Shuichi recognized as the loud laugh that Kirumi had run off to earlier. 

Miu Iruma was the one-woman army behind the channel “Gorgeous Girl Genius” with 12.3 million subscribers. She mostly vlogs, but she’s starting to get into showcasing her own inventions. Most of which are useless and gags for jokes, but others are quite genius. Despite her inventions being genius, and would easily get her riches, she hasn’t sold any of them or let another company buy the idea off of her. That makes others theorize that the inventions are really just special effects or the power of editing, but Shuichi thinks that wouldn’t be it. Kiibo wouldn’t allow lying or being untruthful for a video, even if it was for someone else. But then that begs the question, why wouldn’t Miu sell her inventions? 

“Woah there buster, I’m pretty sure the little gremlin wants this one,” Rantaro replies, trying to settle Miu down. 

“Well then, tell that lying little abortion, first come first serve! It’s his fault for talking to the bitch I want, so I’m gonna take his bitch!” Miu said, flipping her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder, her blue eyes glaring at Rantaro. 

“Um, I’d _hate_ to intervene, but exactly who is this ‘lying little abortion’ you guys are talking about…?” Shuichi interrupted, not wanting a whole fight to break out. 

“Did someone say my name?” another voice said, Shuichi wanted to blow up because _there were way too many people talking to me right now_ and _I really didn’t want to be here_ and _oh my god, why did I sign up_. The feelings of existential dread that flooded his mind were ,however, flushed out as soon as he saw the face of that voice, “Yo. You guys were talking about me?”

The youtuber behind “King Horse”, himself.

Shuichi took this chance to talk to the guy, directly disobeying Kaede’s order, “Well, they were. I was just wondering who you are,” surprised at how confident and nonchalant he sounded, Shuichi racked his brain for more introductory tactics and ways to make a good first impression. In the end, he just decided to raise his hand for a friendly handshake, “I’m Shuichi Saihara.”

Pushing the hand away, the guy replied, “Sorry! I don’t really do handshakes, my hands are reaaaaaaally dirty right now! Or is that a lie? Nishishi~~. I’m Kokichi Ouma!! Nice to meet ya!”

The reason why Shuichi had wanted to meet Kokichi so bad was not the fact that he was the first guy to ever call him cute, but because he was the most interesting one. To put it simply, his curiosity was piqued. Everyone there had been doing youtube for at least six years, all except for one. Kokichi Ouma. He had only started around 3 years ago, but had nearly 6 million subscribers. Shuichi didn’t get it, unless Kokichi was buying subscribers (something Kiibo informed wasn’t true), there was probably only a small chance he was able to rack up that many subscribers in a mere three years. 

Shuichi had actually watched a few videos last night to try and find out for himself. And a few turned into a little more. And a little more turned into even more. And before Shuichi knew it, it had been morning already. 

He had no idea what was so captivating about the tiny male. Was it the way he talked and moved? The way he lied almost every word, making him his own mystery? Or was it something else? 

“Likewise,” Shuichi replied, smiling. Kokichi smiled back. This time, the smile reached his eyes. 

“Wow, I spy with my gorgeous genius eyes something that starts with the letter s. Any one of you fuckers wanna guess what it is?” Miu interrupted, her voice low, but still somehow echoes throughout the whole bus. 

“Soda?” Rantaro guessed. 

“HA! No.”

“A clue?”

“It’s something between people.”

“Static??”

“Darling, this is kind of pathetic,” Korekiyo said before guessing, “Sexual tension.”

“BINGO!” Miu laughed, “You’ve still got it, Kork! And Kokichi’s got a bit of something too, if you know what I mean-”

“Shut your mouth you pig whore!” 

“You wanna go, you short lying bitch stack of pancakes??” 

“Woah woah woah, let’s break this up alright bro?” Kaito intervened, separating the two. Shuichi didn’t even notice him joining the conversation. However, Miu didn’t listen, still trying to hit Kokichi, who was distracted by Kaito. 

“You…” Kokichi whispered, his face suddenly void of emotion, something Shuichi wouldn’t have caught if he wasn’t paying attention. 

“What?” Kaito asked.

“Nothing~!” Kokichi grinned, sticking his hand out, “I’m Kokichi Ouma.”

“I’m Kaito Momota!!” Kaito introduced, raising his hand to shake Kokichi’s, “Luminary of the St-”

He didn’t get a chance to finish the question though, because the second his hand touched Kokichi’s hand, he leapt back, yelling. 

“AGH!! WHAT THE HELL??” 

“Nishishi~~! I can’t believe your dumbass fell for it!!” Kokichi said, laughing, “It’s called a hand buzzer, Kaidiot. It doesn’t even hurt that bad, grow a pair, why don’t ya?” 

Maki instantly started to help Kaito up, glaring at Kokichi with her beady eyes, “ _Do you want to die?_ ”

Shuichi wanted to say ‘yea, kinda’, but then Kaede would hit him for making self-deprecating jokes again. 

“Ooh~, I’m sooooo scared, Miss _Assassin_ ,” Kokichi shot back, “C’mon, do your worst.”

And that’s when the bus stopped again. Unexpected, everyone on the bus fell over. Including Shuichi. Groaning, he clutched his head, opening his eyes, to see that he accidentally pinned Kokichi to the ground. 

“Wow, I know you love me, but you gotta ask me on a date first, y’know?” Kokichi said, giggling, “Unless, you’re one to just hit and run. I’m not against that either~”

Blushing madly, Shuichi got up from Kokichi, and immediately apologized, “It’s not like that! I’m so sorry, it was only just an accident. Plus, we just met and-”

Kokichi brushed off his clothes, interrupting Shuichi, “Don’t worry!! It was just a lie!!”

“Which part was a lie?” 

“That’s what you’ll have to figure out Mr. Detective~” the nickname made Shuichi’s face hot again, he finally looked to Kaede, who was just observing the situation with a smirk on her face, giving him a thumbs up, mouthing ‘good job’. 

And that’s as far as they got before another person entered the bus, “Hello new friends! Gonta’s name is Gonta. Hope we can be good friend!”

Gonta’s channel was all about the history, science, and behavior of bugs. Honestly, just an insectophobe's nightmare. It doesn’t sound that interesting, but the wholesome nature of the channel draws in lots of viewers, and even more subscribers. So far, Gonta has 8.36 million subscribers, and it shows no sign of stopping. 

“Oh, Gonta forgot!” Gonta held up an empty cage, he had more in the trunk filled with other insects and his actual belongings, “This is Gonta prized possession! Giant Weta! 4 inch long and 28.3 gram! Name is Betsy! And-”

“Yo, Tarzan rip-off, I think your bitch Betsy escaped. Either that, or you’ve gone batshit crazy just from stepping in here,” Miu sneered, holding in her laugh, “You’re talkin’ ‘bout air, dude!”

Gonta took a look, and apparently just realized he was holding an empty cage, “Gonta no understand! Where Betsy?”

Everyone froze. 

“...b-bug?” Himiko said, breaking the silence, slightly scared.

“Do not worry Himiko!! I will protect you!!” Tenko screamed, spurring into action, “What are you degenerates waiting for? START SEARCHING!!”

And that’s the story of how everyone started searching for a huge bug on a bus for fifteen whole minutes. Fifteen whole minutes spent searching for some insect that everyone eventually found out just hid in Gonta’s huge bundle of hair. 

The ride after that was close to silence, the air full of traumatized tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey! Before you go, I just wanted to give a shout-out to my beta reader x_GrapeSoda_x. Thanks a lot for helping me!!
> 
> See y'all for next week's update!


	3. The House Tour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: Rantaro flexes how rich he is for a whole chapter. 
> 
> Welcome to the "I hide references in my fanfics even though only a few people will get them" show!! Starring me.  
> (Challenge: there are 4 references to different things in this chapter, try to spot them all!)
> 
> Sorry for not updating last week, the current chapter was hell to write and my school just started.   
> Anyway, enough about that, I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Still May 1st, Friday, 20XX

The bus finally stopped, about 5 hours later, in front of the biggest house Shuichi had ever seen in his life.

_ Holy fuck.  _

Are houses even allowed to be that big?? Is that  _ thing _ even a house at this point?? Shuichi could fit two big ass malls (each with two food courts, three different arcades, and occasional bowling alley) in there and the remaining space would still be bigger than his own house. 

He took a look around at the others and they all looked shocked too, so apparently he wasn’t the only broke bitch that was absolutely flabbergasted. 

Rantaro, however, just casually signaled for the group to come in, “Hey, bring your pets in, we can take the luggage later. Do you want a tour?”

“That reminds me!” Kokichi screamed, “Mom! Where’s my Panta?!”

Kirumi showed up with a pet kennel almost instantly, like she came out of thin fucking air, “Calm down, your ‘Panta’ is here.”

Kokichi practically snatched the kennel from Kirumi, murmuring a light thank you, then instantly took a cute fluffy cat out, “AAAAA!! LOOKIT!! This is my cat, Panta!!!”

Shuichi ignored the cat’s name (mentally making a note that the tiny boy’s favorite drink might be the famous soda brand) and looked at the cat. It was quite a cute cat, if you ignore the malicious glare it was giving them. Panta was a tuxedo cat with black around their head, nose, and back, along with the tip of their tail. They had heterochromia, their left eye was a gleaming blue, and their right eye a bright yellow. 

Ryoma shuffled to the front, “...Can I pet…them?”

“She’s a girl!” Kokichi said, and with that Tenko came up too. 

“In that case, can I also pet?” she asked, eyes sparkling. 

In a few minutes, Panta was passed from person to person (which she did  _ not _ seem to enjoy), each one cooing over how cute she was. 

After that, others seemed to introduce their own pets. Korekiyo had a snake named Janus (whenever someone asked him why that was the name, he just chuckled something about “adultery” and turned away). Miu had two guinea pigs that had names that Kiibo deemed were inappropriate for the audience, so she wasn’t allowed to share their names. Tsumugi had a husky named “Akamaru” (‘good for cosplays’ she said). 

Rantaro guided the crew through the gates of the mansion and led them through the front garden. Actually, “front garden” is a bit of an understatement. Shuichi was sure the front garden alone was about an acre of land.

“Here we have the front lawn,” Rantaro boasted, in a very official sounding voice, “If you look to your left, you will see a fountain the size of an apartment. It’s mainly here for style, and we throw diamonds in instead of loose change.”

Everyone just gaped at the huge fountain, unsure of why anyone would ever need something of that size, but then again, rich people sure have a lot of bizarre ways to spend their money. 

The lawns were well manicured, and there was a bush archway that followed to the main entrance. The first thing anyone saw when they came in was a huge spiral staircase that settled in between an indoor aquarium with a brilliant chandelier on top. The room separated into two other rooms. 

“This is our entrance room. The aquarium was my little sister, Ayumi’s, idea. There are exactly 6 fishes here. All of them are separated by an invisible barrier and well-cared for. They’re also all angelfish, some of them are very territorial. Moving on!”

Rantaro led the, still shocked, group into the kitchen area, which was very modern-looking. There were hanging bar lights all across the island/mini bar, as well as a huge fridge that stored enough food to last at least five months. 

“Who’s going to do the cooking tonight, hmm?” Kokichi joked, “You’re not going to let us starve, right, Rantaro?”

“I suppose this is my call then,” Kirumi said, ever so nobly, “I will fulfill my task, dinner will be ready around 7 pm.”

“Eh? Degenerate male!! Letting all the girls do the cooking!! Typical degenerate male behavior!!” Tenko screamed, held back, loosely, by Himiko. 

“Don’t worry, Tenko, I’m sure Kirumi wanted to make dinner anyway. Right, Kirumi?” Rantaro said, trying to calm her down, then shot a look at Kirumi. 

“You have no reason to worry Tenko, I volunteered for this. Besides, I like taking care of people.”

“If you say so…” 

“Anyway,” Rantaro said, desperate for a topic change, “Here we have the formal dining room.”

Rantaro pushed open a nearby door to reveal another gigantic room with just one table in the middle. Two chandeliers were strapped on either side of the table filling the room with light. The table had exactly eight chairs on either side, and two vases with pink roses that match the chandeliers. The whole room was mainly bright gold, except for the flowers that added a pop of color. 

“This is….” Kaede tried to say, but ended up speechless.

“Hold up,” Kokichi said, while laughing, “You have a whole giant ass room just for this  _ one _ fucking table and chairs?”

Rantaro looked surprised, “You don’t?”

“Bitc- NO! Of course not. Ugh, damn rich people,” Kokichi rolled his eyes, but still walked in to explore. 

Shuichi had to admit, this was one of the more extravagant rooms in the house so far, and he felt just a tiny bit guilty that some people lived in gorgeous mansions (borderline palace at this point) while others don’t even have a home. 

Rantaro continued with the tour, leading the group through the indoor bowling alley (that was connected to the arcade and roller skating alley), the six bathrooms scattered around the house (each one getting more and more fancy as they go on), the upstairs lounge area (that was complete with vending machines, a pool table, and a set of every single board game that was ever made in the corner), and even a full-scale movie theatre (that did have a working snack and drink bar). 

“-and in that area over there is the spa area. It’s basically just a self-care place with lots of lotions, cosmetics, scrubs, that kind of stuff, but with hot tub jacuzzis and an indoor pool. If you turn to the left, you’ll find the gym, directly across from the pool which is on the right. That’s where all the workout equipment is. Oh! And over here-” Rantaro didn’t get to finish his sentence, because his phone started ringing. He checked the caller ID and sighed, “Sorry guys, I have to take this. Ummm.. what else… right, so, the dorms are in that direction. The backyard area is accessible through the kitchen, and the ice skating rink is behind the outdoor pool. Just take a right after you pass the slides, and you’ll see it. The private greenhouse is on the left. Just follow the path and you’ll find it. Feel free to explore a bit! Just don’t get lost, there is a forest behind the house that should be mostly fenced out, and don’t forget to move into your rooms later. See you guys later!” And with that, Rantaro walked away, accepting the phone call, and talking in a language Shuichi didn’t understand. 

“Did...did he just say ice skating rink?” Tsumugi asked, unsure of what just happened.

“PRIVATE GREENHOUSE??” Miu screeched.

“Ha, I bet they grow weed in there,” Kokichi laughed, while Himiko interrupted him. 

“Nyeh...so no one’s gonna talk about the friggin’ spa with their lotuses?”

“You mean lotions, Himiko?” Tenko assisted. 

“Yeah...yeah…” 

“WELL FELLOW FRIENDS, LET’S GO LOOK AT OUR LIVING AREAS!!” Kaito screamed, trying to change the topic while Maki just tried to cover her face next to him, once again fiddling with her locket, trying to not be associated with him. 

“Good idea, Kaito!! We can all claim rooms and get to know our surroundings!!” Kaede confirmed, and started walking towards the bedrooms before Kokichi sped past her, grabbing Shuichi’s hand. 

“C’mon!! Last one there is a dirty rotten liar. And I hate liars, y’know?” Shuichi felt  Kokichi’s hand tightened around his, “That’s a lie!! Nishishi~, come on Shuichi, we have to get rooms before everyone else does!”

Shuichi felt his face flare up.

_ Beloved? Where did he get that from? We barely know each other! _

And yet, Shuichi felt obliged to agree due to some mysterious force, and ran ahead while Kaito screamed in the background. 

“Hey!! No fair, you annoying gremlin, you got a head start!!” Kaito shouted, running to catch up with the pair.

And just like that, the tension from the bus evaporated, and everyone started racing (except Himiko, who Tenko was carrying) towards the living quarters. 

Kokichi came first, smiling and completely out of breath. Shuichi came right behind him, gasping for air, not used to running this much. Kaito was, unsurprisingly, third, grinning like an idiot. Maki was fourth, not even breaking a sweat. Kirumi was fifth, and Tenko (with Himiko) was a close sixth. Everyone else kind of stumbled in after them at the same time. 

“Outta my way, grape bitch!” Miu said, “I want the room with the biggest bed. I have all this ass for a reason, and I need a bed that can handle it!”

“Actually,” Kiibo imputed, “Rantaro said that all the rooms are more or less the same. After all, he wouldn’t want to give someone more space or a better bed. That would be a bit unfair. You’re free to personalize and decorate the room however you want though! Just don’t go overboard.”

“And plus! Himiko would deserve the best bed!!” Tenko argued. 

Ignoring the arguing, Shuichi began to examine the rooms.The hallway to each dorm was thin and narrow, eight doors on each side. Shuichi opened the one closest to him, and was met with a stunning bedroom with a comfy bed and plenty of room. A shiny TV ( _ was that the newest model?) _ was bolted on the wall that was opposite of the bed. The remote was on the nightstand. A small balcony (that was accessed via sliding door) was beside a pair of doors and it held a great view of the front yard. There was a built-in desk beside another pair of doors (Shuichi looked inside the other doors, it just seemed like a filming studio or work place). Another chandelier draped from the ceiling. It looked like something out of a 5-star hotel. 

Inside the other door, beside the balcony, led to a private bathroom. The bathroom had a black and white checkerboard aesthetic, a huge shower that was on black coated marble with what looked like a thousand settings.  _ Another _ chandelier that loomed over the whole bathroom. Crystal sinks on the right, and a bathtub next to the shower. There was a huge walk-in closet that was in a circular shape in the back, and Shuichi could’ve sworn he could smell the rich fuming from the walls. 

“Woahhhh, most bathrooms smell like complete shit, but this bitch smells like rose petals and dreams,” Miu added, joining Shuichi in the bathroom. 

“Nyahaha!! Atua agrees! This is a more than satisfactory place to stay for the next year!! Surely, he has blessed us all,” Angie praised.

“This closet even has enough room to hold  _ most _ of my cosplays!” Tsumugi said, checking the closet out more. 

“Most?” Shuichi questioned. 

“Did I fucking stutter?” Tsumugi replied, unfazed, as Gonta wandered in. 

“So much space! Lot of room for bug friend! Gonta like!”

“Get out, you virgins! I, the marvelous Miu Iruma, have called dibs on this room already. So out, you bitches!” Miu said, pushing everyone out. 

“And then there were 14…” Ryoma says before taking the room opposite Miu’s.

“Well I’m not gonna room right next to the whore bitchlet!! I’d rather be crushed by a hydraulic press!! Nishishi, that’s a lie! I actually hate tight spaces!! Or is that another lie? I’ll take the room next to Ryoma, I guess.” Kokichi skipped into the room and slammed the door shut. 

After a few minutes of everyone being confused, they worked out a room chart.

(Pretend this is legit, this is the best I could do lol) ~Author

Korekiyo

| 

Kaito  
  
---|---  
  
Rantaro

| 

Maki  
  
Gonta

| 

Kiibo  
  
Tsumugi

| 

Angie  
  
Himiko

| 

Kirumi  
  
Tenko

| 

Shuichi   
  
Kaede

| 

Kokichi  
  
Miu

| 

Ryoma  
  
Shuichi had just settled into his room, lightly decorating and making himself at home when he heard a knock on the door. He was going to get the door after finishing his current task, but the knocking got louder and more rapid.

Shuichi ran to the door and opened to find Kaede, Kaito, and Maki trying to hold Kokichi back from knocking on the door more. 

“Hey Shuichi!~! Me, Kaithoe, Kayayday, and Assassin Girl wanted to check out the backyard. Wanna come with?” Kokichi said excitedly, jumping up and down like a child on a sugar high. Maki glaring at him when he said her nickname. 

“Sure…?” Shuichi said. He wasn’t sure whether he would regret this or not, but only time could tell. 

“Great!” Kaede exclaimed.

~

The backyard looked like a hybrid of a water park and an ancient japanese garden. They’re met with a small patio that leads to a koi pond and gazebo. Behind the pond, across the small bridge, was a whole water park. There were a million slides, a lazy river, and even a pirate ship play place. 

“WOAH! This is what I’m talking about!” Kokichi cheered, jumping in the water impulsively with all his clothes still on. 

“Kokichi!” Kaede screamed, “You’re going to get a cold!”

“Chill Kay-yay-to the-day! I won’t get a cold, the water isn’t even that cold. It’s actually  _ suuuuuper _ warm, you should all join me!! Come on, I know you want to~!!”

Shuichi was actually considering jumping in, weighing the pros and cons of the situation. Pros: looks fun, he could use a swim, and it would make Kokichi happy ( _ wait, what?) _ . Cons: he’d be soaking wet, he wouldn’t be comfortable with it, and literally everything else. 

_ Mkay brain, this seems like a hard pass. No swimming toda- _

Shuichi didn’t get a chance to finish his thinking process before Kaito jumped into the water as well, “WOOOO! Wait, this water is freezing Kokichi!” Kaito screamed, turning his head to Kokichi. 

“Whoops! Is it? Nishishi, I guess that was a lie!!”

“You little shit! Come back here!”

“Nope~! You can’t catch me, weird goatee man!”

Kaede sighed, “I swear, you guys are gonna be the death of me. Can someone call Kirumi to get them towels or something?”

“Did someone say my name?” Kirumi asked, appearing out of thin air with two towels in her hands. 

“Hey mom!! Is that for me?” Kokichi asked.

Maki face-palmed for the tenth time that day, and Shuichi wondered how the  _ hell _ Kirumi got here without them hearing. Kokichi jumped out of the pool as quickly as he got in, and started to dry off.

“For the last time Kokichi, I am not your mother. Please refrain from calling me that,” Kirumi scolded while Kokichi just pretended to check his nails like they were the most interesting thing in the world. 

“But I want to have a Mommmmm!! Everyone calls you Mom! Do you not love me like your son? Am I a disappointment to you? WAHHHH, Shuichi, hold me, my mom’s being mean to me!!” Kokichi cried dramatically, tears forming in his eyes, before trust-falling into Shuichi’s arms. 

“Kokichi… you know that’s not what I meant,” Kirumi said softly, “...If you do wish to do so, you may call me your ‘Mom’.”

“Can I really!?” Kokichi exclaimed, tears already dried up, and jumped excitedly like a smol puppy. Kirumi didn’t get the chance to respond before Miu interrupted.

“Hey asshats, grape gremlin, and blonde cutie! Kiibo is gathering everyone in the front of the house, we’re taking a group picture!” and then she slammed the door shut and walked away. 

“...I guess we should meet up at the front, huh?” Shuichi said, pulling Kokichi off of him. 

“Wait, but we didn’t get to see the greenhouse or skating rink,” Kaede pouted. 

“I’m sure there’s time for that in the future!! After all, we’re staying here for a year,” Kaito said positively, already walking off. 

“Who do you think she meant by ‘blonde cutie’?” Kaede obliviously asked Shuichi on the way there. 

“....No idea,” Shuichi said, walking faster, not wanting to get caught up in this inevitable mess. 

When everyone met in the front yard, Rantaro was back as well. Himiko, Ryoma, Maki, Angie, Kaede, and Miu stood in the front while everyone else except Kokichi was behind them. Kokichi, still in his wet clothes, had insisted he wanted to do the ‘ _ draw me like one of your french girls’  _ pose in the very front, and everyone was way too tired from moving in to argue with him. Rantaro set the camera to go off in ten seconds, and everyone smiled. 

There was a huge chorus of variations of ‘Cheese!’, ‘Smile!’, and even ‘Chuck E. Cheese!’ (only the real ones get  _ that _ reference). The flash went off, and Rantaro went to look at the picture, Kokichi close behind. 

“Awww… Gonta! You blinked! Now we have to retake this perfectly good photo and it’s all your fault!” Kokichi pouted. 

“Gonta sorry! Gonta not know…”

“...That’s a lie, isn’t it?” Shuichi said, not wanting to sound so accusing, but he did so anyway. 

Kokichi blinked.

“Wow!! You sure catch on fast! You haven’t even known me for a day and you’ve already scouted out a lie, impressive!” Kokichi then went to Gonta, “Nishishi, don’t worry big guy! The picture turned out great! Or is that a lie?”

“It isn’t,” Shuichi said more confidently. 

“Ah…. Gonta see. Thank you Shuichi.”

“Hold on, let me send this picture onto the group chat. That way, you guys can all have it.” Rantaro said, already typing on his phone. 

Shuichi’s phone buzzed, and he unlocked it to look at the picture himself. Everyone’s smile reached their eyes (especially Kokichi’s) and the sun had even started to set in the background. There were awkward peace signs thrown out, and Kaito even had a thumbs-up. Even with that though, Shuichi still loved the photo.

_ Maybe this year won’t be so bad… _


	4. Late Night Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KingHorse: AS THE SELF-DECLARED SUPREME RULER OF HOMOSEXUALS EVERYWHERE, I CHALLENGE EVERY GAY ACTIVE ON THIS GROUP CHAT TO REMAIN IN A FIGHT TO FINISH RACE TO BE THE LAST ONE AWAKE
> 
> chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: the insomniacs compete in a competition to the death. and by death, i mean sleep. 
> 
> Hey y'all, there's a chatfic this time, I actually do intend to throw some more chatfics in just for the fun of it.  
> Anyway, enjoy!! :>>

May 2nd now, Saturday, 20XX

**[untitled group chat]**

**3 AM**

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: is anyone still up?

KingHorse: hA me lmao

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: yEus, us homos don’t need sleep to function aslefhalsdk

KingHorse: yes mA’Am, we’re too powerful for that B)

AnxietyHolmes: ???

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: get out u disgusting bi

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: this is a 100% homo only event 

AnxietyHolmes: I-

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: lol i’m kidding

AnxietyHolmes: How did you know I was bi??

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: um??? my gaydar exists, yknow??

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: i saw ur cuffed jeans, i saw ur awkward peace sign in the photo, and i saw ur flannel wrapped around ur waist

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: u ain’t slick

AnxietyHolmes: Those aren’t deciding factors, I could just be into that aesthetic

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: i can literally hear you blasting ‘sweater weather’ from here

AnxietyHolmes: Oh… I’m sorry… I can turn it off if you want…?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: i’m-

KingHorse: LMAOOO OMG SHE GOT YOU GOODDDD

KingHorse: ONE POINT FOR THE LESBO, ZERO POINTS FOR THE AWKWARD BI

AnxietyHolmes: ???

KingHorse: i-

KingHorse: he really doesn’t know, huh?

AnxietyHolmes: Know what?

KingHorse: for a detective, i thought you’d be smarter than that

KingHorse: @DefenseFromDegenerateMales should you tell him, or should i?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: go for it

AnxietyHolmes: What??

KingHorse: shuichi

KingHorse: the rooms are soundproof

AnxietyHolmes: …

AnxietyHolmes: @DefenseFromDegenerateMales Why must you expose me like this?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: sucks to suck

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: oh,,, uh, btw. i’m sorry for what i said when we met this morning

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: i don’t have the best history with guys, and i usually just assume that every single one of them is bad, when that isn’t true, i know. himiko is helping me get better, but i truly apologize for what i said

AnxietyHolmes: It’s fine! Really, no harm done. I know what you said wasn’t transphobic or anything like that, but u can make it up to me by actually shaking my hand tomorrow!

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: ,,,fine, u aren’t that bad for a guy anyway

AnxietyHolmes: :)

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: :)

KingHorse: beautiful. thought-provoking. truly brings a tear to my eye. however, i refuse to believe we are the only gays in this group. 

AnxietyHolmes: They could be asleep?

KingHorse: nonsense, gays never sleep

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: himiko is sleeping right now

KingHorse: it’s himiko, what did you expect?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: true

Assassin: A lot of us are awake, we just can’t be bothered to reply

PianoFreak: ^

AnxietyHolmes: kaedeeee ;-;

PianoFreak: okay fine geez, i’ll join the conversation, you happy now?

AnxietyHolmes: :)

KingHorse: ANOTHER JOINS THE ARENA, HOW LONG WILL SHE LAST?

PianoFreak: y’all do know it’s the witching hour, right?

KingHorse: y’all

AnxietyHolmes: y’all

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: y’all

PianoFreak: >:O

PianoFreak: first of all, tHaT wAs mY gAy cOmInG oUt aNd i aM vErY oFfEndEd

PianoFreak: second of all, answer the damn question!!

KingHorse: isn’t the witching hour at 4AM?

KorkTalks: Incorrect, the witching hour is anywhere between 3:00 - 3:59AM.

KingHorse: _another joins the fight_

KorkTalks: I was here the whole time, simply observing, but I could not stAND such ignorance on one of the best, if not _the_ best, hour of the day. 

KingHorse: just say you’re a witch and leave

KorkTalks: No, I must remain to the end to make sure none of the nonsense is ever said again.

KingHorse: …”to the end”?

KingHorse: that sounds a challenge 

KorkTalks: I assure you, it is not.

AnxietyHolmes: oh no…

KingHorse: AS THE SELF-DECLARED SUPREME RULER OF HOMOSEXUALS EVERYWHERE, I CHALLENGE EVERY GAY ACTIVE ON THIS GROUP CHAT TO REMAIN IN A FIGHT TO FINISH RACE TO BE THE LAST ONE AWAKE

PianoFreak: *concerned noises*

AnxietyHolmes: I’d rather not… according to Kiibo, we have quite a full day of plans today and I plan on at least getting _some_ rest

KingHorse: you’re just afraid you aren’t gonna win

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: ooooooOOOO

AnxietyHolmes: ….oh iTS ON!! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, I’LL LAST THE LONGEST HERE, JUST YOU WAIT

PianoFreak: shuichi no

AnxietyHolmes: Shuichi yes

PianoFreak: listen, you all have to get some rest, i don’t want to see any dark circles on any of your faces tomorrow

KingHorse: looks like kayayday is too chicken to even _think_ about competing

PianoFreak: ...bitch

PianoFreak: change of plans, you’re all going down, i’m winning this no matter what

KingHorse: AND THE SHOWDOWN BEGINS!!

~

It was 3:30 AM. Kokichi was still up (obviously) and he was bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Board. Boarded up. Beard. Bread. Hm. Bread. Well now he was bored _and_ hungry. Usually, he would play with Panta, but for some reason, his little cat is actually sleeping. 

_Traitor._

A text notification shows up on his phone, illuminating the dark room in light. Kokichi squinted his eyes in the dark to read the message. After trying to see who could have the _audacity_ to text him at this hour, Kokichi grinned at the text. 

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:30 AM**

Shuichi: You still up?

Kokichi: of course, i can’t lose in a tournament i created

Kokichi: think about my followers! think about my reputation!! what would people think if i can’t even pull a measly all-nighter??

Kokichi: i just can’t do that to my people!!

Shuichi: ….right

Shuichi: Uh, so ur gay?

Shuichi: You don’t have to say it if u don’t want to, it’s just i saw your texts with tenko and there are a lot of rumors online, yknow?

Shuichi: Just curious

Kokichi: *dramatic gasp*

Kokichi: wHAT??

Shuichi: Oh… I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be bothered by this kinda stuff

Kokichi: no it’s just

Kokichi: there are people who _doubt_ it???

Shuichi: wat..?

Kokichi: you’re telling me there are _rumors_ of me being gay??

Kokichi: i thought this was public knowledge by now!!

Kokichi: am i not being obvious enough???

Kokichi: i mean, you were a detective for god’s sake and you didn’t know??

Kokichi: am i losing my edge??? is this what it feels to be forgotten???

Kokichi: maybe i should just film my latest video wearing a pride shirt, that’ll surely get the message across!!

Shuichi: i’m sorry geez, you aren’t forgotten, i was just curious

Shuichi: can i make it up to you or something??

Kokichi smiled. _Hook, line, and sinker._

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:35 AM**

Kokichi: yupppp, nothing big, you just have to pledge allegiance to my organization forever!!

Shuichi: ??

Kokichi: subscribe

Kokichi: to my channel

Shuichi: Oh…

Kokichi: whaaaat, you too chicken for that?

Shuichi: No, it’s just… I was already subscribed

Oh. _Oh._ Kokichi didn’t see this coming. A big blush broke out of his face, and Kokichi threw his phone across the room and screamed. He forced his blush to die down. How _dare_ his face betray him like this!!

When he was finished, it took him three times to rewrite his message (mostly because he just kept on keyboard smashing) and finally replied.

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:39 AM**

Kokichi: Woahhh!! Really?? _The_ Anxiety Holmes is subscribed to me?? I’m honored, really. 

Kokichi: I’m subscribed to you too!! 

Kokichi didn’t know why his face betrayed his emotions now that he was talking to Shuichi. Kokichi didn’t know why he got butterflies in his stomach when he saw the text from the yellow-eyed boy come in. And he didn’t know why his hands were shaking when he sent his next text. 

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:40 AM**

Kokichi: We should collab and do a video together someday!!

This was it. 

This is how Kokichi Ouma dies. Not in some epic way that would puzzle future generations of people trying to solve his death. Not in some mysterious way that would cause conspiracy theories. Kokichi Ouma was going to die normally because he couldn’t handle this _one guy._

But then Shuichi’s response came in. 

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:41 AM**

Shuichi: I’d like that. 

_Ah. Sweet serotonin._

It took every inch of his body (which isn’t a lot of inches, but still!!) to not keyboard smash in the next text. 

**[Kokichi >>>Shuichi]**

**3:43 AM**

Kokichi: :)

**[untitled group chat]**

**3:44 AM**

GorgeousGirlGenius: It’s coming

GorgeousGirlGenius: Be ready

PianoFreak: this is super ominous, are you okay?

KingHorse: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASLiEHFALSILEhELIAsDLKAJSLKEHALIHDASIEASAEEIKFHASLIhLiEAHLSDKALJSKELGaSIEGHOaOLIShDLIASDLFKAJ

PianoFreak: ....is that what you meant?

GorgeousGirlGenius: TAKE COVER, HE’S NOT FUCKING DONE YET

KingHorse: ASELEISALIEHAUISWuIOFHAWIOEUgWETASIOEhEFOAIKShLEFAJKsDJKLFHSELSEIASLLEAHSLiEHALISKhDLKAShasehekjahsdkjhakgdhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

KingHorse: urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

GorgeousGirlGenius: and now he’s done

GorgeousGirlGenius: you’re all welcome, that could’ve been a disaster

AnxietyHolmes: Kokichi, are you okay??

KingHorse: justttt peachy :)

KingHorse: never been better

KingHorse: actually, let’s do a check-in, shall we?

KingHorse: who’s still up?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: me

PianoFreak: me

AnxietyHolmes: Me

Assassin: I’m not in this competition, but I am still awake

Assassin: Just so you know

GorgeousGirlGenius: I guess I have to join now. It’s getting close to _those hours_ , so I have to protect everyone from further attacks

PianoFreak: oh yea, Miu, how did you know _that_ was going to happen?

GorgeousGirlGenius: It’s my sixth sense, my superpower, I can predict and sense gay panicks moments before they happen

GorgeousGirlGenius: This one was a BIG one btw, I wonder which bitch could’ve caused that ;)

KingHorse: no clue what you’re talking about

KingHorse: anyway, where’s kork?

AvocadoDoesMakeup: he’s with me

GorgeousGirlGenius: ooOOOOOO~~~ 

GorgeousGirlGenius: What are you guys doing in there ;)

AvocadoDoesMakeup: ok first of all, i’m way too tired to be dealing with you right now so stfu

AvocadoDoesMakeup: i literally caught him trying to break into the basement, and now he’s passed out on my bed

AvocadoDoesMakeup: shut the hell up Miu

GorgeousGirlGenius: Whaaaaaaaaa- I didn’t fuckin say anything

AvocadoDoesMakeup: i can literally _hear_ the face you’re making right now

KingHorse: so can i

AvocadoDoesMakeup: anyway, kiyo’s out of the competition, have fun, don’t spam, bye

KingHorse: ...and then there were six

~

Shuichi was close to giving up. He was on his fourth cup of coffee that night, and the blinding computer light was the only thing keeping him awake. The clock showed 4:20 AM, and by the way Shuichi laughed stupidly to himself, he knew he was getting close to insanity. 

He supposed this whole competition was somewhat good, it gave Shuichi a chance to catch up on much needed work. He had already brainstormed more places to visit, and it took him two extra hours to convince himself to just go by himself to his next video. After all, it was _his_ fault for not asking Kaede sooner, so he had to deal with the consequences. 

Of course, the consequences were staying in an alleged haunted house by himself, but life couldn’t always be nice and easy. Shuichi looked back on the messages Kokichi sent him earlier. Maybe… maybe he could ask-? No. Don’t be foolish. Whatever. 

After Shuichi read “take it up” as “fuck shit up”, he decided it was probably time for a small (and needed) break. And that’s when his phone buzzed with another message.

**[untitled group chat]**

**4:20 AM**

KingHorse: ahaha weed hour

KingHorse: anyways, check in time, who’s still up?

AnxietyHolmes: Me

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: me

PianoFreak: me

GorgeousGirlGenius: mE BITCH

KingHorse: that’s all???

KingHorse: hm, i guess Maki fell asleep

GorgeousGirlGenius: Yo, why is this group chat still unnamed? 

KingHorse: good point

**KingHorse changed group chat’s name to “The Gaymers”**

GorgeousGirlGenius: Beautiful, but not chaotic enough

KingHorse: true 

GorgeousGirlGenius: Here, lemme take a shot at this 

**GorgeousGirlGenius changed group chat’s name to “Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game”**

KingHorse: this group chat name makes me remember why you’re my best friend 

PianoFreak: i’m too tired to deal with this right now

AnxietyHolmes: I-

KingHorse: i think we killed Shuichi

GorgeousGirlGenius: I’m sorry, but _we???_

KingHorse: hold on

KingHorse: @AnxietyHolmes are you from tennessee, because you’re the only ten i see

Upon seeing the first pick up line, Shuichi immediately fell off his chair. 

_Now I’m really seeing things. Great._

He rubbed his eyes and looked back at the messages, only to find more pick up lines waiting for him. 

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**4:26 AM**

GorgeousGirlGenius: Oh no

KingHorse: @AnxietyHolmes did you fall from the vending machine? Because you’re a snack

GorgeousGirlGenius: Stop

KingHorse: @AnxietyHolmes i’m not a photographer, but i could picture us together

PianoFreak: if shuichi wasn’t dead in the first place, he definitely is now

GorgeousGirlGenius: I _will_ block you, don’t test me

KingHorse: @AnxietyHolmes on a scale of one to ten, you’re a nine, and i’m the one you need

PlainJaneCosplays: sHUT THE HELL UP, I WANT TO WATCH HAIKYUU IN PEACE WITHOUT YOU INTERRUPTING WITH STUPID PICK UP LINES

PianoFreak: i’m so sorry!! We didn’t know you were still up, we’ll text less now!!

KingHorse: ….

KingHorse: @PlainJaneCosplays best team and character? 

PianoFreak: you watch haikyuu??

KingHorse: cute guys playing volleyball and it’s super homoerotic, what else do i need to say?? 

KingHorse: anyway, moogie, answer the question

PlainJaneCosplays: Hold on!! You’re making me pick from my chILDREN

PlainJaneCosplays: Gimme some more time, they’re literally all bABIES

KingHorse: sure

PlainJaneCosplays: Ok, favorite team is definitely karasuno and my favorite is either kiyoko or hinata. 

KingHorse: so plain and boring

PlainJaneCosplays: That’s kinda the point, yknow? What about you??

KingHorse: favorite team is nekoma, favorite character is noya

KingHorse: i just relate to him on a spiritual level sometimes (no it’s not because we’re both short, shut up)

PlainJaneCosplays: No, I get it, noya is babey

KingHorse: nO HE ISN'T, NOYA IS THE COOLEST ONE OUT OF EVERYONE AND I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THIS

PlainJaneCosplays: Whatever, I’m just trying to rewatch season two

KingHorse: you’ve been awake this whole time??

PlainJaneCosplays: A weeb never truly sleeps

HowToKirumi: I swear to whatever god is out there, if you all don’t go to sleep RIGHT NOW, I’ll make sure you won’t get to even see the daylight of today. 

PlainJaneCosplays: That’s my cue

PlainJaneCosplays: Bye

GorgeousGirlGenius: bUT THE PARTY WAS JUST GETTING STARTEDDDDD

AnxietyHolmes: I think Kirumi’s right, we have a tight schedule today, and we have to be entertaining or the show will be cancelled 

GorgeousGirlGenius: No! I resist! I will remain until the end!! You can’t stop me!! No one can stop the gorgeous girl genius, Miu Iruma!!!

PianoFreak: I think Shuichi’s right, we all need as much sleep as possible, so try to get some rest

PianoFreak: Plus, I don’t want to see any dark circles on your pretty face <3

GorgeousGirlGenius: ….fine

GorgeousGirlGenius: Goodnight 

PianoFreak: Goodnight!!

KingHorse: s i m p

HowToKirumi: That means you too Kokichi.

KingHorse: ugh, fine _mother_

HowToKirumi: Good, sleep tight.

KingHorse: …

KingHorse: i...am the lone survivor :’(

HowToKirumi: I mean it Kokichi, **_GO TO BED!_ **

KingHorse: fine fine 

Shuichi decided that was probably enough for today. He put his phone back on his dresser, and practically collapsed in his bed. He snuggled into the covers and his eyelids felt heavy. He was about to fall into deep slumber when-

_Bzzt!_

_Who. The. Fu-?!_

Shuichi hesitantly picked up his phone and squinted at the message, trying to remember how to read. 

**[Shuichi >>>Kokichi]**

**4:47 AM**

Kokichi: good night my beloved saihara-chan!! <3

Shuichi smiled at the text, didn’t question the weird nickname, replied, and threw his phone as far away as possible before passing out on his bed. 

**[Shuichi >>>Kokichi]**

**4:48 AM**

Shuichi: Good night Kokichi

BONUS: 

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**8:30 AM**

LuminaryoftheStars: WTF IS THAT GROUP CHAT NAME???

LuminaryoftheStars: NO ONE HERE IS GAY

Assassin: I-

Assassin: ok

AvocadoDoesMakeup: he’s gonna be surprised sooner or later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYY SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS WHO DID THIS TOO AND LASTED UNTIL FIVE IN THE MORNING WHEN I TOLD THEM TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.  
> No, I'm not the mom friend or a Kirumi kinnie, shush. 
> 
> Also, Tenko and Kokichi are wlw and mlm solidarity, change my mind. (spoiler alert: you can't)
> 
> If you're concerned or interested with how I came up with the group chat name, don't ask me. Ask 3AM me. I have no idea. 
> 
> Also, uh- half of the events in this happened irl, i'll let you decide which ones :)  
> See you next week!! <3


	5. The Calm Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: g a y p a n i c k s 
> 
> No, I'm not kidding, there's so much in this one. 
> 
> Imagine disappearing for 3 weeks and then only coming back to deliver some fluff.  
> Could be me. 
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, I had some irl stuff to deal with. Good news though! I finally finished the future chapter of this that took me a whole month to write, so yay!! By celebrating, I'll also be updating tomorrow too! So be on the lookout for that! Without further ado, I present to you: this chapter.

May 2nd, 20XX, Saturday

_“-Sixteen youtubers!! One huuuuuuuge house!! A whole year!! This is… ‘House of Ultimates’. This Saturday!! LIVE! Rated18+, couldhavesomematurethemes, wearenotresponsibleforanypanick thatmaystemfromthischaotichousehold.”_

The youtube ad cut off, and the screen loaded for a second before continuing to whatever video Shuichi was watching earlier. 

“That. Was. Amazing!!” Miu screamed, “OMG, I can’t believe we have our own fucking ad!! I can’t wait to fuck shit up!!!”

“Please refrain from doing so, Miu!!” Kiibo tried to say, obviously a bit stressed, “We already had to change the show’s rating from PG-13 to Mature just because of you and your _comments._ We don’t really need you to accidentally burn the house down.”

“Ya hear that, you bitchlet?” Kokichi teased, hopping at the chance to bully Miu once again, “You’re a burden to this whole thing. Maybe we should just drop you or something. After all, the show doesn’t premiere until tonight.” 

“Shut the hell up, you gay gremlin,” Miu scoffed, “Plus, we all know that _you’re_ the one most likely to burn down the house.”

“Anyway,” Kiibo interrupted, “Today’s the first episode, which is going to be streamed live instead of filmed beforehand and edited, so make sure to filter what you say just a bit.”

“Ok, Kiibo! Don’t worry, I’ll help keep everyone in check!!” Kaede said positively. 

“Wait, but don’t you know the best shows do well with _drama_. We need to have that angst. We need to have those fluffy moments. That’ll rack up the views!” Kokichi said with a slightly malicious grin on his face, “But that’s a lie!! Nishishi~ Anyway! Kiibo! You never told us what we’re even doing tonight.”

“Oh, I know exactly what I’m doing tonight,” Miu said suggestively, seeming to have glanced at Kaede, but Shuichi wasn’t sure if he had imagined it or not. 

“Calm your horny, pig whore, I’m talking to Kiibo,” Kokichi said, rolling his eyes. 

Normally Kiibo was very nice and blunt, but in this exact moment, Kiibo only smiled ominously and replied, “You’ll see.”

“You have some free time before the stream. Meet in the backyard at 5:50 PM.” Kiibo said cryptically before walking off. 

_Well shit._

~

Shuichi was still working. Honestly, being unproductive now was just unsettling. After all, he only had a little over two days left until his scheduled video filming. He could always change the date for Kaede, but he didn’t really want to bother anyone more than he already did. Kiibo had specifically told him to get the video in before Wednesday, so between filming the video on Monday and staying the night until Tuesday, he only had that set of time left. 

_Ughhhhhhhhh, what to dooooo..._

As if on cue, his phone buzzed. 

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**2:57 PM**

KingHorse: just saw realized what kaito said 

KingHorse: ha

KingHorse: ha

KingHorse: ha

LuminaryoftheStars: I WAS ONLY STATING FACTS????

AnxietyHolmes: ….oh boy

PianoFreak: A little under three hours left everyone!!

GorgeousGirlGenius: You’re sayin that like no one’s been anticipating and counting down since this morning

PianoFreak: Oh, sorry, I’m just really excited as well!!!

GorgeousGirlGenius: No worries, lovely, when you do it, it’s fine

PianoFreak: I-

**[Shuichi >>>Kaede]**

**3:01 PM**

Kaede: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Shuichi: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Kaede: Shut up

Shuichi: Well you like her, right?

Kaede: IDK???? SHES REALLY PRETTY, BUT ALSO VULGAR IDFK???

Shuichi: Sounds like someone’s gay panicking 

Kaede: Oh, shut the hell up, you have no room to be talking

Shuichi: t r u e 

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**3:05 PM**

LuminaryoftheStars: LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS ALREADY, HOW NICE!!

AvocadoDoesMakeup: I’m- we just gon forget tenko and himiko exist??

KorkTalks: Historians be like:

AnxietyHolmes: lmao

AvocadoDoesMakeup: :O

AvocadoDoesMakeup: DID YOU JUST MEME???

KorkTalks: Yes, did I do it correctly?

AvocadoDoesMakeup: YES IT WAS BEAUTIFUL

GorgeousGirlGenius: EVERYONE TAKE COVER

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: oh shi-

KingHorse: AAAAAAAAAAAALSIEHaSLDJLASKJLKJDKSAFLSKEhELAKSJEKSLDFKAShEFILDA

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: why is it always you?

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: anyways, what’s up little guy?

KingHorse: 1) don’t call me that 2) i don’t know what to wEAR

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: ah fashion troubles, as the self-proclaimed lesbian, i’m gonna have to do a hard pass on that unless you wanna look like a 12 year old boy

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: which i mean,,,, you already do

KingHorse: mOMMMMMMMM

HowToKirumi: What?

KingHorse: I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WEAR

HowToKirumi: I was preparing dinner, but I suppose I can take a slight detour. Stay in your room.

KingHorse: oki mom!

PlainJaneCosplays: I will also assist???

KingHorse: we aren’t friends moogie

PlainJaneCosplays: yes we are shut up, also weebs stick together

KingHorse: i’m not even that big of a weeb!!

PlainJaneCosplays: I bet you read tododeku friends to lovers fanfic everyday just for that serotonin

KingHorse: ...so when are you gonna get here?

PlainJaneCosplays: Open up, I’m already there

KingHorse: geez ok

AnxietyHolmes: ...Good luck Kokichi

~

“Why is everything in your closet just plain trash?” Tsumugi screamed, “Literally all you have are hoodies, floral shirts, flannels, and checkered pattern stuff!! Is this seriously your entire closet??”

“Yup!!” Kokichi lied, he had more clothes, the “good ones”, in a suitcase under his bed. However, if Kirumi realized that he still hadn’t put away his stuff, he’d get scolded, “Aaaaall my clothes are right there. You’d think I’d be better at this stuff, especially since I spent all that time in the closet, but nope! I’m about as fashion forward as a flamingo.”

Kokichi didn’t actually know if flamingos had a good sense of fashion or not, but he’s never seen a flamingo with clothes, so that’s probably a no. 

“Kokichi,” Kirumi growled, “I don’t have time for this. I know for a fact that you’re good at fashion, so just stop lying and bring out your stuff.” 

Kokichi flinched, “Proooomise you won’t be mad??”

Kirumi sighed, “Yes, now come on, I don’t have all day.”

Kokichi slowly walked up to his bed and pulled at his last suitcase. He unzipped it and all of his “good” clothes tumbled out, “Surprise!!” 

“Kokichi…” Kirumi said, trying to contain her anger, “You didn’t finish unpacking??” 

“I had, like 12 suitcases!!” Kokichi retaliated, passing the suitcase to Tsumugi, who took it hungrily. 

“Two of which were empty.” 

“Ooooo,” Tsumugi interrupted, throwing clothes at Kokichi, “This is nice!! C’mon, go try it on.” 

“Right here?” Kokichi asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“No, your bathroom, duh,” Tsumugi said, rolling her eyes. 

Tsumugi goes back to digging through Kokichi’s clothes, throwing them behind her when they don’t meet her standards. Kirumi picked up the clothes Tsumugi threw and folded them for Kokichi. 

It was at that point Kokichi realized he didn’t see what Tsumugi threw at him. He looked down at the clothes. 

_Ah._

Tsumugi had thrown his black and white crop top hoodie at him with matching pants. 

“Come out when you’re done!!” Tsumugi shouted at him. 

“I’m gay!” he shouted back. 

“Not what I meant, but everyone already knows.”

Kokichi changed and looked at himself in the mirror, “Yo, Smoo-smoo?”

“Yea?”

“This is literally what I wear everyday.”

“That reminds me, do you have to wear your ugly checkered scarf today?”

Kokichi hissed, “Of course, it defines who I am!!”

“Right right, c’mon, we have other stuff to do.”

“What do you mean, other stuff?”

“You’ll see.”

Tsumugi dragged him out of the bathroom, and pushed a belt into his hands. 

“Put that on.” 

It was a nice checkered purple and white belt. 

After Kirumi left, claiming she needed to get back to dinner, Tsumugi sighed. 

“What, Smoothie?” Kokichi said, trying to sound like he didn’t care. 

“It’s just… I can’t really do anything revolutionary unless you agree to come off the deep end…” Tsumugi said, sounding like she could burst into tears at any moment. 

“The deep end?” 

“Makeup.” 

Kokichi jumped, literally, “No way! No way in hell. I’m not letting you put that girly crap on me!”

“Many guy actors use it, y'know?!! You do know Rantaro has a channel based on makeup, right? Not to mention the fact that makeup doesn’t have a gender!!” Tsumugi rebutted, “Plus, another _special someone_ uses it.”

This sparked Kokichi’s curiosity, “I’m listening.”

“Shuichi,” Tsumugi said casually, while Kokichi suddenly feels weak at the name, “Did you see his eyeliner? God tier, honestly. Beautiful work, not as great as Rantaro’s, obviously, but still pretty great.”

“...” 

“Don’t you want to impress him? Get his attention? You’ll be as plain as a poppy in a flower field if you don’t try it out.”

Kokichi grumbled. 

“What was that?” Tsumugi coaxed, “I didn’t hear you.”

“I said fine. Bring it on.”

At the sound of the word ‘fine’, Miu and Rantaro busted open the door, hands full of makeup supplies and pouches. Miu heaved a giant case onto Kokichi’s counter, and Rantaro screamed, “Fucking finally!! Thanks a lot, Tsumugi, I owe you one.”

“Hold up,” Kokichi said, “What the hell is going on?”

“You and Shitichi have been eye-fucking since yesterday, and I’m here to make sure you make a bomb fourth impression for him, and an amazing first impression for the fucking show. Rantaro’s just here because he’s been waiting to put makeup on you for decades.” Miu explained, as Tsumugi tried to slip out. 

“And Moo-Moo was in on this?” Kokichi whined, then turned to Tsumugi, “WAHHHHHH! HOW COULD YOU TSUMU??? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!!”

“Sorry not sorry!” she said, “I was just getting just plain tired of the oblivious pining myself, and it’s only been a day. Miu and Rantaro wanted to dress you up. It was a win-win situation.”

“Anyway, the fucking point is: we’re putting makeup on your shit face to make you look less of a sloth, and more of a person that would actually get guys,” Miu cussed, then clapped her hands, “Let’s get fucking started!!”

~

It was almost showtime. And Shuichi was having a mental breakdown in the bathroom. 

_Where is my fucking hat?_

The last time he remembered seeing it was at dinner yesterday, when he took it off to eat properly. Did he put it back on? Why was he just finding out now? This seemed awfully inconvenient. 

Someone knocked on the door.

“Shuichi?? Are you ready yet?” Kaede asked, sounding concerned, “Honestly… and you say I take a long time to get ready. Come on, the show starts in five minutes!!”

“I’M NOT GOING!!” Shuichi yelled like a tiny emo baby before, once again, remembering the rooms were soundproof. 

He opened the door with a tiny crack and almost broke down, “I can’t find my hat…”

Kaede scoffed, “Oh my god, is that what this is about?”

Shuichi nodded.

“Shuichi. Repeat after me: I. Don’t. Need. My. Hat.”

“I. Need. My. Fucking. Hat.”

Kaede sighed, “What am I gonna do with you?”

“Find my hat?” Shuichi asked. 

“Ok, fine,” Kaede said, giving in, “Now, where did you last see it?” 

“Last night at dinner,” Shuichi said, already heading down, “I don’t remember whether or not I brought it back with me.”

“Do you think someone else picked it up?” Kaede asked, starting to walk faster. 

“Probably not, or they would’ve given it back, right?” 

“We only have five minutes- four minutes now, so we gotta hurry, c’mon.”

After doing a thorough search of the kitchen, or as thorough as you can get in two minutes, Kaede and Shuichi came out empty handed. 

“It isn’t here,” Kaede said, out of breath. 

“Then where could it be?” Shuichi retaliated, equally out of breath. 

“I have no idea, but we have to go, the show starts in a minute!!” 

They ran to the background as quickly as they could, just to see the rest of the cast already there. 

“Wow!” Shuichi heard, the mysterious voice sounding very familiar, “You look like you’ve just ran a marathon! Your hair is a mess, nishishi~”

Shuichi looked up to see a blurry Kokichi, still trying to catch their breath. 

“Hello Kokichi, did you...get a haircut or something?” Shuichi asked.

Kokichi blinked, “Are you fucking serious?” Kokichi turned to Miu and Rantaro who were laughing like hyenas, “I hate you both. Show’s over, I quit.”

“Omg…” Miu managed to say in between laughter, “He didn’t even notice at all!!”

“Is he that dense or is he just blind?” Rantaro asked, to which Kaede snorted. 

“Just…” Kaede said, also laughing now, “Give him a second.”

“We aren’t friends anymore,” Kokichi said, pouting, stomping towards Shuichi, “And to think I was going to return your hat.”

Shuichi grabbed Kokichi’s arm to ask him what he meant by that, finally getting a good look at the boy’s face. 

_Wow…_

Kokichi had dark purple eyeliner with matching eyeliner. There was light blush on his cheeks, and it looked like he was wearing lip gloss. There were an assortment of clips in his hair (which Shuichi assumed were Miu’s) that matched his scarf which was tied around his wrist. His hair looked more curled than usual, and he wore a crop top that exposed some skin, but still managed to look oversized on him. 

“M-my… um… my hat?” Shuichi stuttered out, feeling a blush on his face, cursing that he didn’t have his hat to cover it. Miu let out a huge wheeze in the background.

“Yea,” Kokichi said, unfazed, taking his hat out from behind him, “I found it yesterday after dinner, and I was going to give it back buuuut….now I don’t want to!”

“W-why?”

“Because you look so much better without it, the hat covers up your pretty eyes!!” Kokichi argued, and Kaede yelled ‘pREACH!’ in the back. 

“It’s my hat??” Shuichi said, not sure whether he should be mad or flustered. 

“Nope!” Kokichi finger-gunned and plopped the hat on his own head, “Mine now!!”

Shuichi felt like he’d been shot. Through the heart. 

“That’s not how it works??” he said, unsure, “That’s literally theft!”

“Then I’m a thief!” Kokichi said playfully, then smirked, “Plus, aren’t you supposed to be a detective? You can try to catch me before I inevitably steal your heart as well.”

“Put handcuffs on him!!” Miu shouted, ruining the scene. 

“Shut the fuck up, you horny hoe! I’m trying to have a moment here!” Kokichi screamed back, ruining the moment more. 

More insults were said, and chairs thrown before Shuichi made up his mind, “Fine… I guess you can have it for today.”

Kokichi was about to thank Shuichi before Kaede herself went up to Kokichi and sobbed thank yous, “Thank you so much! You have no idea how long I’ve been trying to get him to abandon that hat. I thought I’d be dead before I saw him without it.”

Kokichi shook her hand, “No problem, pleasure doing business with ya!”

“Alright everyone!!” Kiibo announced, “We’re about ready to start!!”

Everyone picked up their stuff, and started heading towards the recording area. Cameras moved by Rantaro and Korekiyo. 

Shuichi glanced down to the shorter boy who was trembling from excitement.

“Hey…” Shuichi whispered to him, “You...you look nice.”

Kokichi froze, not knowing how to respond, fiddling with his scarf, “Th-thank you...” 

Shuichi smiled to himself, _cute…_

_Wait, what?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this your daily reminder of: FUCK GENDER ROLES!! CLOTHES DON'T HAVE GENDERS, NEITHER DOES MAKEUP! WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!!
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for being patient with me and again, chapter tomorrow!!


	6. The First Stream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: gay stream starts off hot. literally.
> 
> Heyo!! I promised a chapter the next day, and I have delivered :>>
> 
> This one's a fun one, so enjoy!!

May 2nd, Saturday, 20XX

Camping. 

Kiibo wanted them to go camping. 

“Oh hell nah!!” Miu said, “A girl of my class shouldn’t have to do no goddamn camping!!”

“Again,” Kiibo sighed, “The materials will be provided. Kirumi already prepared the food. It’s like a sleepover, but in the woods.”

“Wait, Kirumi knew about this whole plan??” Tenko asked.

“Nyeh… stop being so...loud…” Himiko sleep-whispered.

“Ah!! Sorry Himiko!!”

“I was only told to prepare food, I did not know about this whole ‘camping’ thing.” Kirumi answered, unfazed. 

“Nyahaha!! Atua had told me beforehand, so I have brought some sunscreen and bug repellent!” Angie said, proudly presenting her items. 

“Why Angie repel bug! Bug are friend!” Gonta spoke out, alarmed. 

“Anyways, are you guys in or not?” Kiibo interrupted. 

“Kiibo…” Shuichi tried to say, “You are aware that we’ve already agreed, right?”

“Well, of course. I’m just saying that since we’re already at the campgrounds, there’s no turning back now!” Kiibo said enthusiastically.

It was at that moment that Shuichi realized he’d been walking the whole time. Walking into a clearing. He could no longer see the house, but he somehow still had data on his phone. The trees were so tall they seeped into the clouds, and murders of crows were starting to form. To make matters worse, there was no one else out there for miles. 

_ Ah. Right. I've stumbled into a horror movie.  _

_ This is how I’m going to die.  _

After a few moments of Shuichi accepting his fate, Kaito came to ask for help with the tents. 

“So, bro…” Kaito said, trying to make conversation, “I saw you sneaking glances at Kokichi earlier…”

Saihara inhaled, holding his breath to end his misery. His misery did not end, “Yea, what about it?”

“I just wanna say…” Kaito held his shoulder and gave him a thumbs-up, “I know Kokichi looks nice right now, but you needn’t be jealous, your eyeliner is pretty cool too!”

Shuichi wanted to scream, ‘bITCH I AIN’T JEALOUS, I’M GAY’, but that wouldn’t be right for the current situation, so he just cleared his voice, “Thank you, Kaito. That means a lot to me. I definitely was jealous. So jealous of his pretty violet eyes, and curled up hair that looks really bouncy and fluffy. He looks so pretty that I just want to cuddle him- er, violently, of course. Thank you for saying that.” 

“No problem, bro!” Kaito said, not catching on with Shuichi’s sarcasm or monotone voice, “Anyway, grab the other end, we’re gonna put this tent up!”

“Alright,” Shuichi said, questioning his life choices as he helped Kaito with the other end. 

~

“So,” Rantaro said, tapping his foot in disappointment. “I leave for sixteen  _ goddamn _ minutes, and this is the type of shit you get into?” 

“I didn’t mean to!” Kokichi replied, still roasting a tied-up Kiibo over a small vanilla scented candle, “It just sorta happened.”

“TYING KIIBO UP AND PRETEND ROASTING HIM OVER A SMALL FIRE DOESN’T JUST ‘HAPPEN’” Rantaro said angrily, using finger quotes, “Also where the hell did all the ducks come from?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kokichi said, a small duckling peeped in agreement from his hood. 

Shuichi had to admit, the scene was chaos. He, himself, was stuck in a hammock he put up and had just accepted his fate as the sun started to set. From the sound of things though, he could tell things got a little chaotic. 

A bit over sixteen minutes ago, Rantaro and Korekiyo left to gather sticks for the campfire. And that’s when it happened. At first, Shuichi thought that Kokichi was going to help with the hammock. When the shorter male hugged him unexpectedly, Shuichi jumped. And tripped. And fell. Into the hammock. He was stuck. 

Kokichi couldn’t stop laughing, which got attention from Miu, who came over, and started laughing as well. Eventually, Kaito came over, and tried to free Shuichi. However, Kaito underestimated the power of the hammock, and he got his thumb stuck in a metal ring part. At this point, Kokichi was just dying from laughter and needed water. After Kirumi fetched a pail of water from a nearby lake, Kokichi found a small duckling, which he named “Spades”. Kiibo came over to see what the commotion was about, and told Kirumi he remembered buttered-up duck feathers helped with releasing fingers from stuck objects. 

Kirumi returned in the next ten seconds with 29 ducks. After confirming that the feathers actually  _ didn’t _ work, Angie joined in and asked what was going on. She said that ducks were spawns of the devil, and that to free their fellow friends, they’d have to make an offering to the gods. She went back to the girls tent, and pulled out six candles that she probably bought wayyyy overpriced at Bath and Body Works.

Even if Angie’s solution sounded a bit insane, everyone was still desperate for a solution. They set up for the ritual without asking what she meant by sacrifice. It was when she started tying up Kiibo with Tsumugi’s spare fabric (stating he was the purest one in the group) that it finally clicked. 

They were going to sacrifice Kiibo. 

Ryoma supplied a match, not sure if this would actually work or not, and Angie got down to business. In only two minutes, she painted a holy circle on the floor, and lit all the candles. She said some chant no one understood (or questioned) and placed Kiibo above one of the candles like they were roasting a piece of meat. 

Kaede pointed this out, and Kokichi pushed to the front and spun Kiibo around. His eyes sparkled, Spades quacked a malicious sound, and it was over from there.

The sounds resonating throughout the forest. 

“...and that’s what happens since you guys left!” Kokichi said enthusiastically, blowing out the candles. 

“Is Shuichi still stuck in the hammock?” Rantaro asked cautiously.

“Oh right.”

The pair walked up to the hammock where Shuichi was prepared to remain for the rest of his life. Kaito, still stuck in the metal ring. 

“Are you the grim reaper?” Shuichi asked like an edgelord, “Take me now.”

“Shuichi…” Rantaro said, so done with everyone, “It’s still 7:00. The sun isn’t even set yet. Why did no one think about cutting the damn hammock?”

“You’re right!!” Kokichi said, running off and returning with an axe, “Is this suitable?”

“Kokichi, that. Is. An. Axe.” 

“Why are we here… just to suffer?” Shuichi said, migraine forming. 

“So, is nobody going to help me?” Kaito asked, interrupting the conversation. 

Seven minutes later, Shuichi and Kaito are freed (with only minor repercussions and injuries). 

“So…” Miu said suddenly, “Wanna play truth or dare?”

~

“No,” Shuichi said for the seventh time that evening.

“Why. The fuck. NOT??” Miu screamed.

“It seems that your TINY BRAIN has forgotten this is LIVE TELEVISION!!” Shuichi shouted back, not caring anymore.

“Shuichi, Miu has a point,” Kaede said, joining the conversation, “This is a reality TV show afterall, we have to entertain the audience.”

“Thank you, Tittymatsu!!” Miu said.

“Don’t call me that,” Kaede flushed, but then faced Shuichi, “So, what do you say?”

“It seems like you’ve forgotten I hate gossip.”

“It’s not gossip if they’re the ones talking about themselves.”

“Two words,” Shuichi said, to which Kaede interrupted.

“They better be ‘I’m in’.”

“Close. They’re ‘You’re whipped’. Actually, wait, no, four words, ‘You’re whipped as fuck’.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Less chatting, more tea spilling!!” Miu screamed, leading Shuichi and Kokichi to their friends, “Let’s get started!!”

“I actually have one for Kaito,” Tsumugi said, “Truth or dare?”

“Like any man, I am choosing truth!!” Kaito announced proudly.

“Okay cool. What do you think about Tenko and Himiko?”

“As people?”

“Like, together.”

Kaito smiled, “They’re really good friends, aren’t they? I aspire to find someone special, so I can be friends with them like Tenko is with Himiko!!”

“I-” Tsumugi stuttered, then just sighed, “That’s nice.”

After a few rounds of truth or dare, with Miu being dared to climb a tree (which she did gracefully), Angie being asked about Atua (which sent her into a 15 minute speech about the brilliance of Atua, and the importance of belief in Atua’s power), Rantaro being dared to start the fire without a lighter and a shirt (which was definitely not fanservice for the audience), Tenko being dared to kick down a tree with her leg (she actually kicked the entire tree down), and Himiko being dared (by a loving Tenko) to get more rest. 

Eventually, Kokichi was asked a truth about why he decided to try on makeup today (which he successfully dodged and replied that Rantaro just wanted to try it out, and who was he to deny his best friend’s wishes) and then it was his turn. 

Kokichi’s eyes scanned the crew, wondering who would be his next victim when his eyes froze on Maki’s locket, “Maki!! Truth or dare!!”

“Truth?” Maki said, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s inside that locket of yours? You’ve been fiddling with it a loooot,” Kokichi stated, exaggerating the ‘o’. 

“Oh,” Maki said, dropping the locket from her hands immediately, “It’s just a thing. It has a picture of me when I was first born. My brother had a matching locket, but instead of a picture of me inside, there’s a picture of him. It makes me feel closer to him, I guess?”

Everyone made ‘awwww’ noises, but Kokichi just stared, “What do you mean ‘my brother  _ had _ a matching locket’?”

“I thought this was only one question,” Maki challenged, glaring. 

Kokichi just fell back into his chair, “True. Anyway, it’s your turn now Maki!!”

Maki looked around, her eyes eventually landing on Kaede. She smirks.

“Kaede. Truth or dare?” Maki asked. 

“Hm. I’ll pick dare this time. I don’t think I’ve picked it that much,” Kaede replied while still braiding Miu’s hair from the last dare. 

“Good. I dare you to have free reign over Shuichi’s phone for seven minutes,” Maki said with a malicious glare in her eyes. 

“Oh come on!” Shuichi retaliated while Kaede looked excited, “Can I refuse the dare? This is my property after all?”

“Sorry Shuichi!” Kaede giggled, snatching the phone from his hands, “Rules are rules. Now unlock it please.”

Shuichi, hesitantly, unlocked the phone and handed it over, Maki going through her own to start a timer. 

“Just…” Shuichi said, remembering the cheesy good night messages with Kokichi from last night, “Can you not go through my messages?”

Kaede hummed, “No promises! Don’t worry, I won’t expose you. Yet.”

Shuichi groaned, making eye contact with Kokichi, making him remember the messages as well. 

“C’mon Ka-yay-day~!” Kokichi sang, “Respect lil’ Shuichi’s wishes, hm?”

“Who are you calling little?” Shuichi grumbled quietly. 

“When’s your birthday?”

“September 7th,“

“Of year 19XX?”

“Yeah…”

“Yup, thought so~ I’m older!”

“No way!”

“That was our reaction too, huh, Dick Weed?” Miu cackled, Rantaro slightly chuckled on his own, denying yet another nickname, “Why’re you so pressed about this whole situation anyway, you lying piece of shit?” Miu then dramatically gasped, and threateningly pointed at Kokichi, “Don’t tell me you’re sending dick pics to that Shitty Emo Detective already?!”

“Shut up, you loud bitch! Firstly, he isn’t shitty! Secondly, I save dick pics for at least the second date!!” Kokichi argued back. 

“Oh, so you admit there would be a first date?” Miu teased, half joking, half wanting to know what would happen.

“This could go on for a while,” Kirumi said, sipping on her teacup, “Oh sorry, would you like some tea?”

“No thank you,” Shuichi said, blushing slightly to the conversation topic. 

_ Shitty Emo Detective? _

“I’m starting the timer!” Maki called out, interrupting the fight that could’ve gone on for ages. 

“Yea, about time!” Miu screamed, “I bet the fucker is only like three inches or something.”

“Enough Miu,” Kiibo said, trying to intervene, but Kokichi had already shot another insult back. 

Kaede started looking through the phone. 

She went through his Instagram first. 

“Alright everyone, get in for the photo,” Kaede said, quickly taking a selfie with Miu, Angie, and Tsumugi, posting it on his story. 

In his recommended posts, there was detective memes, murder methods, and cute cat photos. 

Kaede looked at Shuichi with concern, “Don’t ask…” Shuichi said, reaching for his hat on reflex just to remember it isn’t there, “Cat photos help with anxiety.”

“I wasn’t going to ask about the cat photos, but okay…” Kaede said, exiting Instagram. 

She went immediately to his text messages next. 

“Noooo…” Shuichi said, “We had an agreement…”

“I didn’t agree to shit,” Kaede said, opening Kokichi’s chat dm. 

She cringed immediately at the cheesy goodnight texts, and made a face. 

“Don’t show anyone!” Shuichi said, making the situation more suspicious. 

“I was right, wasn’t I?” Miu cackled, “So how long are these gay fuckers?”

“Tell anyone what you saw, and you won’t make it to tomorrow,” Kokichi threatened. 

“I won’t tell anyone..” Kaede said, scrolling up more, “And Miu… It’s so much worse than dick pics, oh my god.”

Kaede scrolled up a bit more, until she got to the part where Kokichi and Shuichi agreed to collaborate one day. She smirked. 

Shuichi had a bad feeling about this. 

“Well that was a bad decision,” Kaede said, exiting the messaging app to go to google. 

Shuichi looked at her confused.  _ The fuck are you doing? _

Kaede caught his eye, “Let’s see your search history, hm?”

Shuichi froze. 

_ Oh god.  _

“Ohhh, good one Kay-kay!” Kokichi said, suddenly excited, “I wanna see what emos search!!”

“Shush! Okay, here it is. We have, in order from most recent to older stuff, how gay is blue eyeliner, how much is the new sephora eyeliner, how to summon fake friends, sweather weather 24 hour remix, I think my best friend is trying to kill me by making me talk to cute guys alskdjl, how to permanently cuff jeans, how to make social anxiety your bitch, will 16 shots of expresso in my drink kill me, hot topic stores near me, and how to religiously listen to my chemical romance,” Kaede finished the long list, turning to Shuichi, very concerned. 

The timer went off. 

Everyone stared before bursting into all different replies. 

“Holy fuck, I knew you were emo, but did you really search for hot topic stores the moment you got here?”

“Yes, 16 shots of espresso will kill you, please tell me that is not what you did.”

“Kaede, how did you say ‘alskdjl’ out loud?”

“Don’t sweat it, bro, that eyeliner is super cool, not gay at all!”

“Kaito, please stop talking.”

“Ooh~! Who was the cute guy, huh?”

“If you want me to help plainly sew your plain pants to be permanently cuffed, you can just ask! It wouldn’t take that long anyway.”

Shuichi, completely overwhelmed, just simply turned to Kaede and asked for his phone back. Kaede happily returned it, and Shuichi headed inside the guy’s tent. 

_ Never again.  _

~

“MOM!” Kokichi screamed after he had answered his truth about why he brought 12 suitcases (which he didn’t give a direct answer to), “Truth or dare?”

It had been an hour since Shuichi left. They could see him having some alone time in the tent, but didn’t really want to intrude more than that. 

“A truth wouldn’t hurt, I suppose,” Kirumi answered calmly. 

“Gonta been wondering why Kokichi call Kirumi Mom,” Gonta said, confused. 

“Oh yeah,” Tsumugi backed up, “Don’t your viewers also call you Mom? How did that happen?” 

Kirumi laughed softly, “Actually, that-”

“Hey, Mu! That’s not far, you’re totally stealing my thunder!” Kokichi interrupted, “Anyway, you can say the truth anyway, since I didn’t have a good idea, but I’m still angy.”

“Well, it’s a funny story, really. One day while I was filming my video on 600 different napkin folding techniques when Kokichi slammed open my door and demanded that I make him a cake for his birthday, guilt-tripping me and-”

“MOTHER! I did NOT guilt trip you!! No sir, I simply used persuasion in the form of said apologies with a hint of verbal irony,” Kokichi corrected. 

“So guilt tripping?” Miu rolled her eyes. 

“Ahem,” Kirumi politely cleared her throat, “After I told Kokichi I’d make it after I finish, I submitted my video to Kiibo, but forgot about the little mishap. A total accident on my part if I do say so myself, I will never allow it to happen again. 

“However, Kiibo didn’t edit the clip out and the viewers seemed to enjoy Kokichi’s little entrance. They nicknamed me ‘Mom’ and the name stuck.”

“Ah, I see, what a plain cute story!!” Tsumugi cooed. 

“Of course it was, I was the main star,” Kokichi said dramatically. 

“Truth or dare,” Kirumi said, ignoring Kokichi’s comment, “Korekiyo.”

“Truth,” Korekiyo replied. 

“I am a bit curious about your mask. Why do you wear it all the time?” Kirumi asked, everyone else followed up. 

“Damn, she’s right!! Why the fuck are you wearing a mask? Can you breathe correctly?” Miu asked loudly. 

“I prefer my mask, and I do wear it outside quite a lot. I won’t wear it inside the house as much, but I do have different designs. As for breathing, I can breathe perfectly fine, it really isn’t that hard to wear a mask,” Korekiyo said sharply, the most serious anyone had seen him. 

Rantaro put a comforting hand on Korekiyo’s shoulder, and he nodded. Korekiyo turned his head towards Miu, “Truth or dare, Miu.”

“Truth,” Miu said. 

“What were your hamsters' names? You don’t have to announce it, I’m just quite curious.”

“I could say it if Keebs would let me,” Miu said, turning her head to Kiibo with puppy dog eyes. 

“Ok, ok! Fine! Don’t blame me if we get cancelled, just say it!” Kiibo gave in, groaning. 

“The first one is named Wet Ass, and the second one is named Pussy. They’re named after the BEST fucking song in EXISTENCE, sung by the QUEEN hersel-”

“Enough, Miu,” Kiibo said, “Next.”

“Whatever,” Miu said, rolling her eyes as her gaze rolled over to the group. She scanned them all before smiling at Kokichi. 

“So, purple freak,” Miu started, sipping on her wine glass filled to the brim with coke, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare bitch,” Kokichi said confidently, slamming his empty wine glass on the ground (that once held his grape panta) demanding a refill, “I’m no pussy.”

“Hm…” Miu hummed, thinking for a bit. After an hour of truth or dare, people run out of ideas, “Mind helping me out, Kae-idiot?”

Kaede pouted as she stuck the last flower in Miu’s unruly hair. It had taken a full hour to do, and she really hoped it didn’t get ruined that quickly, “Don’t call me that,” she sighed, “Give me a second,”

“Seconds up, do you have anything?” Miu joked. 

Kaede thought a bit harder, Kokichi and Shuichi’s conversation coming to her mind, “Yea...I actually have something in mind,” 

“Do tell.”

Kaede whispered it in Miu’s ear, and she immediately blurted it out, “Oh! I dare you to help with Shuichi’s next video!”

Kokichi blinked, “Pft, that’s it?? Easy stuff, when is it?”

“Next Monday,” Kaede cut in, smiling an innocent smile (if only he knew-). 

“My schedule is pretty clear, yeah, I can do that.”

“Now wait just one second!!” Kaito interrupted, “As Shuichi is my declared sidekick, I want to go with too!!”

“Can he do that?” Miu whispered towards Kaede, who shrugged. 

“Sure!” Kokichi said before anyone could react further, narrowing his eyes as if he knew something they didn’t, “The more the merrier…”

“See, Kokichi agrees! C’mon, what’s the worst that could happen?” Kaito exclaimed. 

“Uh, guys?” Tsumugi cut in, but ultimately got ignored. 

“Well, you’re kinda being a cockblocker for the two, but whatever, your loss, you violent grape,” Miu grumbled back sarcastically. 

“Miu, calm down, we don’t even know if Shuichi wants them to go yet,” Rantaro said, joining the argument. 

“Actually, I read their messages. Kokichi and Shuichi had already wanted to collab sometime, and Shuichi was looking for someone to go with to his next video. Win-win solution.” Kaede said, clapping her hands together. 

“...Guys?” Tsumugi tried once again, but Miu’s voice overpowered her’s. 

“Yeah yeah, Tits, what I don’t understand is why our resident himbo has to go as well?” Miu argued back. 

“Do you want to die?” Maki asked in a threatening voice. 

“I agree with Miu! Those two have a lot to think about together. Alone. I owe it to Shuichi,” Tenko said, on Miu’s side. 

“Nyahaha!! Atua says it does not matter whether Kaito goes or not. The two lovebirds will be alone either way!!” Angie preached, practically glowing. 

“No offense Angie, but are you sure we can trust ‘Atua’? I have studied many traditions, one of which does go by the name ‘Atua’, but does not resemble what you describe,” Korekiyo asked, simply curious about Angie's words. 

“Of course! Atua is everything you need in your life. Just stop denying it and let him into your soul. Be cleansed of your sins, and Atua will accept you into his heaven. He will take a saw and break your chains in half. You will be free of mortal desires and ascend towards the sky into his paradise once you live behind your life,” Angie screamed with a holy glint in her eyes. 

“Please...anyone?” Tsumugi pleaded.

“Gonta agree with Angie! Friend do not have to fight,” Gonta said, trying to settle everyone down. 

“Everything is fine, just cooperate and things will end up okay!!” Kiibo shouted, obviously trying to help.

“That’s what they said before they put me in jail,” Ryoma muttered. 

“Nyeh…?” Himiko grumbled, waking up. 

“Ugh, look, you degenerate males!! You all woke up Himiko!!!” Tenko argued, entering the conversation uninvited once again. 

“Guys, it’s fine!!” Kokichi said, breaking everyone off, “Kaito can come with, it isn’t even that big of a deal, geez! I’m okay with it, rea-”

“EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!” Tsumugi screamed, interrupting Kokichi.

“What the hell do you want, blue hair otaku?” Miu half shouted, half asked. 

Tsumugi scoffed, “Sure, just don’t care that the fire is spreading towards the tent and trees, whatever, amirite?”

“Wait,” Rantaro said carefully, “Did you say fire?”

Everyone turned around to see what Tsumugi was referencing, a full-scale forest fire that seemed to spread from the fire Rantaro started earlier. 

“Someone grab some water!! It’s heading towards Shuichi!!” someone shouted, Kokichi wasn’t quite sure who at that point, he just needed to get water. 

He ran off towards the lake with the pail, Spades shaking inside his hoodie. He grabbed some water, and ran back, some of it spilling on the way. Why did no one notice the fire? Why did no one listen to Tsumugi? The thoughts spinned inside his head as he headed back towards the tent just to find Kirumi already put out the entire fire on her own. 

“....Well that was anticlimactic!” Kaede said cheerfully.

“Wow, Keebs,” Miu chuckled, “When you said we needed to ‘start with a flare’, I didn’t think you meant fire!!”

Kiibo sighed loudly, “The girls tent burnt down, so I guess that means we’ll have to end here….”

“Could one of you be a dear and check on Shuichi?” Kirumi said, dusting off her dress.

“I’ll do it!!” Kokichi said happily, setting down the pail of water just to find Shuichi sleeping while listening to MCR. 

After smiling at his sleeping face (in a totally not creepy manner), Kokichi poked his cheek, “Good morning, sleepyhead~~!”

“W-what?” Shuichi asked groggily, taking out his headphones. 

“You slept through a forest fire, silly!”

“That’s nice…” Shuichi said, still mentally waking up before realizing what Kokichi said, “WHAT?!?”

“Yeah, funny story. The fire Rantaro made earlier spread, and you almost died, but Mom saved you really cool-like! She put out an entire fire within seconds!! You should’ve been there,” Kokichi ranted, waving his hands around for extra effect, “Oh, also, the live streaming ended since the girl’s tent burned down. We’re going back to the house.”

“Mhm…” Shuichi said before flopping down again, “Ten more minutes…”

“Ok!!” Kokichi said, knowing Shuichi probably only got a few minutes of sleep last night. 

In moments, Shuichi had fallen into a deep sleep, and Kokichi quietly sighed, “Good night Shuichi…” 

And he totally didn’t give him a quick good night peck on the forehead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so funny story. I never remember writing Angie's dialogue. Like, I write it, and then the next week when I come back to edit it, I never remember when or how I wrote it.   
> There was a lot of foreshadowing in this chapter, I wonder if anyone will pick up on it.   
> Also, no, Shuichi's search history isn't based off mine. Not at all,,,
> 
> KOREKIYO SAYS WEAR A MASK!! 
> 
> Anyways, I might not update the following Sunday, it really depends how much homework my teachers leave.   
> Thank you so much for all your support, and leave a kudo or comment if you can (your comments are fun to read) <3


	7. An Exciting Announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: "Why does Kokichi have an airhorn, seriously, who gave an 11-year-old an airhorn"
> 
> mmmmMMMMMMM *hands you chapter*   
> *retreats back into cave*
> 
> School is actually not being very cash money right now, and I would very much appreciate if they LEFT LESS HOMEWORK  
> that being said, the writing juices have been flowing lately, so i'm just going to drop this here.   
> enjoy!!

Still May 2nd, but almost May 3rd

After Shuichi basically passed out in front of Kokichi (which is an embarrassing moment he would never like to address ever again), the crew decided it was a good idea to just carry Shuichi home as a game. 

And oh boy, did it get competitive. 

Shuichi was later told by (a tired) Kaede that Gonta won, but Kirumi was a very close second. 

As embarrassing as the whole situation was, Shuichi felt refreshed as he flopped onto his bed after his shower. 

He took his phone off the nightstand, and looked at it. Two messages from Kaede. One from Kokichi. 

_ This is going to be interesting.  _

He opened the message from Kaede first (because sisters before misters), and he almost had an anxiety attack analyzing the cryptic messages Kaede sent him. 

**[Shuichi >>>Kaede]**

**11:48 PM**

Kaede: You’re going to love me

Kaede: I have granted you the opportunity of a lifetime

Shuichi: ???

Kaede: You’ll see ;)

Kaede: Come on, aren’t you going to open the message from Kokichi that I know you have?

Shuichi: This is way too cryptic for this late at night

Kaede: Good luck my child

**[Shuichi >>>Kokichi]**

**11:54 PM**

Kokichi: soooooo kayayday told me you needed some people to go with for your next video?

Shuichi: Yeah, I did

Kokichi: my god, you could’ve just asked me

Kokichi: instead blonde kay-de had to dare me to go with you

Shuichi: She did? I’m sorry, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to

Kokichi: ugHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ohmygod, I LITERALLY ALREADY AGREED, YOU CANT GET RID OF ME NOW

Kokichi: oh, also goatee man is coming too, so yea

Kokichi: byeeee

Shuichi: ???

Shuichi: what…?

Shuichi: Kokichi??

After waiting around two minutes for a reply, it was clear that Shuichi wasn’t going to get one, so he just put his phone down and sighed. Loudly. 

Due to his poor decision of trying to get some sleep earlier, he is now wide awake and probably will be unable to rest until the early morning. 

Perhaps he could sign up for therapy lessons, it’s not like he’s practically poor at the moment. Shuichi glanced at his phone. 

_ But the group chat is free.  _

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**12:01 AM**

AnxietyHolmes: Does anyone want to get midnight coffee with me?

CatPrisoner: I’ll come, coffee helps me forget that I exist 

Assassin: …

Assassin: @PianoFreak

PianoFreak: DONT YOU DARE DRINK COFFEE AT THIS HOUR!!

PianoFreak: DO YOU WANT TO RUIN YOUR SLEEP SCHEDULE

CatPrisoner: Hah, what sleep schedule?

AnxietyHolmes: ^

PianoFreak: aND YOU SHUICHI-

PianoFreak: You drink like seven cups of coffee a day, all with over three espresso shots, how are you still alive?

AnxietyHolmes: p u r e s p i t e :)

PianoFreak: Is this about you know who?

AnxietyHolmes: I have no idea what you’re talking about

AnxietyHolmes: Your you know who or my you know who?

PianoFreak: Yea, _ you _ know?

AnxietyHolmes: No, but like-

PianoFreak: Obviously yours duh

AnxietyHolmes: But what about that, you know?

PianoFreak: Omg yess, we need to talk about that

AvocadoDoesMakeup: *in a national geographic voice*: here we have two best friends, having an entire conversation with each sentence being five words or less. No one understands what they’re saying except for them. 

CatPrisoner: You killed the moment dude

CatPrisoner: Now they’re going to shun us since we’re the outsiders

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Shit u right

PianoFreak: >:((

AnxietyHolmes: >:((

CatPrisoner: Called it

HowToKirumi: Go. To. Sleep. 

PianoFreak: Yes ma’am

AnxietyHolmes: Ok mom

AvocadoDoesMakeup: More like ok boomer

CatPrisoner: f in the chat for rantaro, he’s gonna die soon

PianoFreak: f

AnxietyHolmes: f

AvocadoDoesMakeup: f

PianoFreak: ??

AvocadoDoesMakeup: I’ve accepted that I’m going to die to stupid means

AnxietyHolmes: haha mood

PianoFreak: Stupid means?

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Tempting death like this

AnxietyHolmes: Drinking six cups of coffee at once

PianoFreak: @HowToKirumi help

**HowToKirumi has changed channel settings to “read only” for 8 hours**

The rest of the night was a blur.

~

“Everyone! I have exciting news!” Kiibo screamed out at six in the morning down the hall. 

_ It is way too early for this. _

“Shut the fuck up Keebs! I need my fucking beauty sleep!” Shuichi heard Miu yell back down the hall before hearing a huge door slam. 

And for a few minutes, it was quiet. Peaceful, even. Until-

BRRRRRRRR!

Someone used an airhorn. 

“Get up sleeping bitches and hoes, Kiiboy here has some bigggg news for us!! It’ll be a real bummer if you don’t get your asses down here right now!” Kokichi screamed out. Shuichi had no idea how he could have so much energy at six in the morning, but he couldn’t really think about that right now. 

He miraculously got up and slowly walked towards the door like a zombie, momentarily forgot to open it, and was met with Kaede in her work out outfit. 

“Good morning, Shuichi! I just finished my run with Kaito and Maki, we were going to invite you, but figured you needed the rest after yesterday,” Kaede chatted excitedly, “Oh, did you know Maki’s pigtails are actually extensions? Super cool, right?”

_ Right.  _

Shuichi forgot his best friend was also an early bird.

“Mhm…” Shuichi groaned, barely keeping an eye open, “What did Kiibo have to tell us…?”

“Thank you for caring, Shuichi!” Kiibo said energetically, not knowing how sarcastic that would’ve sounded in the right tone, “As you can see,” Kiibo took out his phone, and swiped a bit, then showed the others, “We are now #1 trending on youtube.”

“wHAT?” Miu screamed, hair in a bun, rushing to put her mascara on, “No seriously, what happened. I just got here. Being a beautiful bitch takes effort and time, but it’s not like any of you ugly whores know about that.”

“We’re currently #1 trending,” Kaede said calmly. 

“Hasn’t it only been like, a plain seven hours or so since it first aired?” Tsumugi asked, adjusting her glasses. 

“Yes, we’ve also gained twenty-five thousand new subscribers,” Kiibo said. 

“Is no one else finding this just plain sketchy?” Tsumugi asked again, “It’s just kind of unrealistic, isn’t it? Something that would happen in a book series for plot purposes, perhaps there’s some otherworldly force at play here?”

“Obviously Atua!” Angie sighed, then raised her arms, indicating another speech, “Atua blesses us with his luck, raining down on us with his powerful mercy. He gives us a chance, so generous he is, a chance to see how powerful he can be. Join me, no, join him, in a battle to reunite in his paradise.”

“Does Atua accept gays?” Kokichi asked, appearing behind her, “Also, poor smoothie head doesn’t recognize that we’re obviously in some kind of fanfiction.”

“Atua accepts anyone as long as they’re willing to devote their heart to him!” Angie replied, while Tenko then, angrily, stomps up to Kokichi. 

“What. The. HELL?!?” Tenko whisper-screamed, “You woke up Himiko!! Now she’s going to get less sleep because you just HAD to use the airhorn!”

“What’s the big deal? Now you get to read her a bedtime story again and tuck her in. Honestly a win-win situation if you ask me,” Kokichi said, rolling his eyes. 

“Now listen here and listen good,” Tenko said, her voice dropping to a dangerous whisper, “Imagine some dense idiot woke up your future boyfriend, who already has trouble sleeping, and then refuses to apologize.”

“Oh. I-I’m sorry, Tenko, I didn’t know.”

“That’s all I was looking for. Geez, men sometimes.”

“So everyone’s going to ignore what Kokichi said about the fanfiction? Okay, that’s fine,” Tsumugi said, looking down, “No one really listens to me anyway.”

“That’s all!” Kiibo announced, “Sorry for taking up your time, please remember there are cameras in the commonly used rooms, and I will tell you all when the next activity is as soon as I find out.” 

Murmurs of “That’s all?” and “I put on my good crocs for this shit” floated around the room as Kaede made her way to Shuichi. 

“Isn’t this exciting?” Kaede asked, “The Pilot episode was a success, we can actually continue with the show!” 

“I’m sure it is,” Shuichi chuckled, “By the way, don’t you have to leave soon? Your flight is at noon, right?”

“Yea, it is, I have a few more things to pack, and then I’m ready.”

“Are you flying first class?”

“Rantaro said he’d take me. Whatever that means. Don’t you have to start packing too?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have to leave for a video tomorrow noon, right?”

“...Oh shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good news: i have written out the outlines of the next few chapters
> 
> bad news: i might have to take a bit of time before the next one comes out :(
> 
> originally, i was going to wait until sunday to release this, but after coming back to ao3 after not being on for a week, there was a lot of support for chapters and i knew i just had to release this chapter. so there might be a bit of a wait for the next one, but i am determined to finish it!!
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated, thank you for reading!!  
> (also yes, maki's twintails being extensions is a headcanon of mine i love it so much asldfkjasldk)


	8. The Haunting: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: Kaito suffers for a whole chapter while the gays™ are super chaotic
> 
> wOAH??? I'm back?????????? Ngl, I didn't think I'd post a chapter this early, but it's Halloween so I felt obliged to. Thank the spirits. 
> 
> Anyways, happy Halloween!! this chapter features some buzzfeed unsolved references (ngl i kind just copied the whole video down bc i'm not original alsdkfalsk). if you get spooked easily, i would recommend skipping where shuichi explains the history of the house (watch out for the long paragraphs).

May 4th, Monday, 20XX

“WAHH!! When are we leaving?? We’ve been waiting here for hoursss!!” Kokichi complained, throwing a mini tantrum. Except it was actually a huge tantrum, and he wouldn’t stop, “I’m going to die here! Starve to death!! You both killed me, this is 100% an attempted murder, I won’t let you get away with this!!!”

“It’s been three minutes. You’ll live, Kokichi,” Shuichi said, slightly pissed. 

“Yeah, bro! You can get through this tough time of your life, I believe in you!” Kaito said, throwing up his signature thumbs up. 

Rantaro had told the three of them last night that they didn’t need to worry about plane tickets or anything, and just told them to meet in the front yard at exactly 12:00 pm sharp. 

It was 11:59 am. 

“What do you think Rantaro meant?” Shuichi asked, trying to pass the time with a question that’s been on his mind for a while, “You don’t think he’s going to rent out a plane for us, right?” 

“Pft,” Kokichi scoffed, “The guy is literally a trust fund kid, what do you mean ‘rent’? I bet he has jets, airplanes, and private cruise ships all organized by name and color in the garage.”

“We haven’t even seen a garage in this house yet though?” Kaito added. 

“Precisely, he’s hiding it away from us because he’s greedy and wants to wallow in his self worth and money,” Kokichi theorized. 

“Speaking of which, what’s that in the sky?” Shuichi asked. 

Kokichi froze, “He didn’t…” 

The wind around them got quicker, and soon all anyone could hear was the sound of a full-sized plane landing next to them, being anything but subtle. 

It landed, and the door propped open to reveal a smiling Rantaro. 

“Get in losers, we’re going shopping,” he said, to which Kokichi laughed at, “Just don’t go past the sixth row, there’s uh- quite a mess back there so…” 

“Um, I thought we were going to wherever Shuichi’s video takes place in?” Kaito said, confused. 

“It’s a reference. To Mean Girls,” Kokichi said, “Wait, don’t tell me you haven’t watched Mean Girls. Who the f--”

“We’re going to Kansas,” Shuichi interrupted, “Ah, I don’t think I actually told you about the video much, have I?” 

“No, not really,” Kaito said, and Kokichi shook his head. 

“Agh, I’m sorry! I should’ve provided all the details last night when we were looking at plane tickets. This is dumb, I’m really sorry,” Shuichi replied, muttering a thousand apologies. 

Kaito put a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Don’t worry about it, sidekick! You can tell us all about it on the way there!”

Shuichi was going to ask about the sidekick nickname, but everyone was a bit behind schedule, and he didn’t want to stand there awkwardly apologizing for another three minutes, “Y-yeah, okay.”

~

“IT’S A WHAT?” Kaito screamed, and Rantaro almost crashed the plane. 

“It’s a haunted house exploration. We have equipment to see paranormal activity, and I’m hoping we get a few scary moments on camera,” Shuichi explained.

“Haunted house?! You mean, there’s going to be g-g-gh-”

“Ghosts?” Kokichi said, completing Kaito’s sentence with a wide grin on his face.

“AH! DON’T SAY THAT WORD,” Kaito screamed again, and the plane faltered, Shuichi swore his life flashed before his eyes. 

“Wow, you’re afraid of ghosts, Kaito? Interesting.” 

“The Luminary of the Stars never gets scared!! G-gh- Those things are just terrible!”

“Kaito, my entire channel is investigating the paranormal and true crime cases, how did you not know?” Shuichi asked, flabbergasted. 

“I don’t know? I guess it never really crossed my mind to research a bit first,” Kaito admitted, a little embarrassed. 

Shuichi sighed, “Well if you’re uncomfortable with this, we could always get Rantaro to drop you off on the return flight. You don’t have to do this, you know?”

“No! I already swore an oath! A man’s oath. I have to do this now. But only for you, sidekick and sidekick’s sidekick!” Kaito cheered. 

“Sidekick?” Shuichi asked, finally. 

“Every hero needs a cool sidekick!” 

“Wait, hold on, why am _ I  _ the sidekick’s sidekick? Hell, I don’t even want to be a hero. Sign me up for the ultimate super villain or something, then we’ll talk!” Kokichi pouted, looking out a window. 

“I thought super villains were supposed to be tall,” Shuichi joked, just to be met with an angry Kokichi. 

“Now listen here, you tall legged, at least 5’5” freak, I didn’t come all the way over here just to be brutally slaughtered by your mean words and cute ass!” Kokichi screamed.

“Cute ass?” 

“Kokichi has a point, bro. You really do have a nice ass.” Kaito said, backing a surprised Kokichi up. 

“Yeah, even Kaihoe agrees!” Kokichi said, hesitantly high-fiving Kaito.

“So, what are you guys having for lunch?” Rantaro asked, probably tired of the before conversation. 

“Lunch?” Kokichi asked, confused. 

“Yea, because Kaede sort of packed something. She told me to give it to you in case you forget about lunch, which I think you have,” Rantaro reached in the co-pilot seat and took out a big sack, inside were three homemade cute bento lunch boxes. 

Shuichi took his (which he knew was his, because of a sticky note on top with his name) and opened the cover for a peak. There was a letter inside, and two sandwiches cut in half. There were two cookies in a section, and a bunch of ripe grapes next to it. A group of sausage octopuses sat in the corner, waiting to be consumed. 

Shuichi opened the letter. 

_ Hey Shuichi! I realized you would probably forget your lunch, so I decided to make some for your group. They’re all personalized, but still pretty much the same. Hope you actually get some paranormal activity on camera this time! Tell me about your trip after I get back.  _

_ Love, Kaede. _

_ PS tell Kokichi his grape panta is in a cooler bag, Rantaro said he wouldn’t drink it, but he had a smirk on his face when he said it, so get it asap _

“Is that Kaykay?” Kokichi asked, snatching the letter from Shuichi, “What did she say?” 

“I want to see too!” Kaito said, coming close to take a look, quickly reading, “That’s so cute, when did you and Kaede get together?”

“What?” Shuichi asked through Kokichi’s laughter, “No, um, Kaede’s not into guys.”

“I see,” Kaito said, nodding. 

“Do you now?” Kokichi asked to make sure. 

“Yes, I admire independent women! Good for her! Deciding she doesn’t need a man, how great!” Kaito said, positively. 

“No, like…” Shuichi tried to explain, Kokichi wheezing in the background, “Nevermind…”

~

“Look at us!” Kaito said, visibly frightened as they stood in front of the house, “The threesome makes a comeback!” 

Shuichi groaned, “Don’t- Please don’t word it like that.”

“What? Threesome?” Kaito asked, completely oblivious. 

“Oh~” Kokichi interrupted, “Don’t tell me my dear Shuichi isn’t into that kind of stuff. Shame, shame, because I honestly don’t mind, y’know~”

“This is the Sallie House,” Shuichi said, changing the topic, “I can tell you a little more about its history once we set...up…” realization dawned onto Shuichi, “Oh… we forgot a cameraman...”

“Oh, we should’ve asked Rantaro to stay,” Kaito said, joining in on the guilt wagon. 

Kokichi yawned, “Whatever, you losers, but I knew this was going to happen,” he reached into his bag and pulled out two small mechanical orbs, “Which is why I  _ borrowed _ Miu’s portable cameras.”

“P-portable cameras?” Shuichi stuttered. 

“Yup! These bad boys automatically record and flutter around you, invented by the whore herself! They’re even solar panel charged! Which means this is,” Kokichi dramatically flipped his hair, “Whore approved!!”

“We’re going to a  _ haunted house _ and it will  _ most likely _ be  _ very _ dark,” Shuichi sighed, “Do you not see anything wrong with this?” 

“As much as I’d like to say otherwise, the horny cum dumpster isn’t stupid. As long as we aren’t enclosed in total darkness, any single shred of light can power these~!” 

“And you ‘borrowed’ those with permission from Miu?” Kaito asked incredulously. 

“Nope! That was just a lie, obviously. I definitely stole these from her, whoopsies~!” Kokichi said without a hint of remorse. 

“Hold on, that was a joke! Did you seriously steal it?” Kaito said. 

Kokichi rolled his eyes, “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Why does that matter now? It’s not like we can mail it back to her, so we might as well use it.” 

“That’s true, but stealing still isn’t good,” Shuichi lectured, then sighed “But still… thanks, we’ll use them for now...And you have to apologize to Miu tomorrow.” 

“Alright alright,” Kokichi said dismissively, “Now can we go in?” 

“I suppose, are you guys ready?” Shuichi asked. 

“Yup!” Kaito said nervously, but still excited. 

“Ready when you are, detective~” Kokichi winked, then skipped toward the front. 

_ This is going to take a while, isn’t it?  _

~

“BOO!” Kokichi screamed, right as Kaito walked into the house, scaring him. 

“AAGHHHHH-, I mean-” Kaito cleared his throat, “You can’t scare people like tha-”

The stairs creaked. 

“-AT! OHMYGODTHERESAGHOST!” Kaito screamed, and Kokichi giggled. 

“Well, technically, this isn’t a ghost house. There’s supposedly a demon instead,” Shuichi said casually. 

“Oh good,” Kaito exhaled, before doing a double-take, “Wait, DEMONS? THAT’S EVEN WORSE!” 

“Ooooh~! How fun!! Do you think one can rustle my hair a bit?” Kokichi asked with the curiosity of a toddler. 

Shuichi ignored the question, and stepped into the house himself. The decoration was very old-timey, which was expected. The furniture was still there, untouched for decades, an old antique clock ticked away in the corner. 

“So Shuichi! Tell us more about the house!” Kokichi requested while taking a right turn into the living room, completely ignoring how Kaito suddenly seemed ghostly pale. 

“Well, this house is the Ultimate Haunted House, and wildly considered to be one of the most haunted places in America. If I can recall correctly, this house was built around 1867, and it’s had three deaths inside it’s walls. So, I guess we can’t completely rule out ghosts…” Shuichi recited as Kaito whimpered even more. 

“Don’t do this to me bro… three deaths? You gotta be pulling my leg,” Kaito whispered, to which the door answered by creaking shut, “FUCK- oh, it’s just the door. Why the hell do they even make creaky doors anymore?” 

“I’m not an architect or door maker, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the door’s problem,” Shuichi chuckled, before continuing, “While multiple families have experienced paranormal activities, it wasn’t until 1990 when things got worse.”

“1990!?” Kaito interrupted, “That’s super recent, what the heck? I-I thought all creepy stuff happened before technology and shit, so this demon is still active??” 

“Yeah, that’s kind of the whole point in coming here… Anyway, a family moved into the house in December of 1992. Things started small, and their lights would dim, their dog would always bark at the entrance to the nursery, and their baby would wake up every hour as if, their words, not mine, ‘someone was playing with him’.

“Their neighbor could see the nursery window from their house, and eventually asked the house owners why they kept the light on all night long with the baby sleeping in there. This question came as a shock to them, because, as far as they remember, they always kept the lights off.”

“Hold up!” Kokichi interrupted, “You’re telling me that this piece of shit demon is wasting their electricity? Okay, I can let people torturing and terrorizing go past me, but now they’ve gone too far!! Doesn’t the demon realize how expensive bills are these days? Hell, they’re even living in the damn house, rent free! It’s unfair, I tell you, unfair!!”

Shuichi laughed, “I don’t think demons care about bills, Kokichi…”

“They should, that shits expensive!” 

“Things got freaky when in 1993, the house owners discovered all of the stuffed animals in their baby’s nursery room put back-to-back in a neat circle in the middle of the room on the floor. They figured it was one of them playing a joke, so they put them back, turned off the light, and went back downstairs. However, when they came back to check, not only was the light on, but a bear was knocked off the chair, lying on the ground.” 

“Oh noes~!” Kokichi said, sarcastically, “They have tooketh the sacred bear offeth thou throne! Whatever will we do!” 

“Take this seriously, Kokichi!” Kaito replied, shaking, “We’re in the presence of some weird paranormal stuff!” 

“Oh, come ON! Half of it is bullshit anyway!” 

“You’re telling me that you wouldn’t be freaked out if you came in a room with a, a, uh, little cult circle of stuffed animals on the floor, all back-to-back?”

“Nope! Bring it on, demons!”

“Don’t anger them!!!” 

“After that,” Shuichi intervened, “The couple took their baby, packed up some stuff, and left the house.” 

“Do you think they brought the bear?” Kokichi asked, innocently. 

“I mean… why would they?” Kokichi shrugged, “After they left the house, one of the house owners felt a sting on his back. When they checked out what it was, they found three long scratches. The guy would continue to keep getting scratched, once a scratch even manifested on video.” 

“Where is the video!?!” Kokichi screamed, “I demand the evidence!!” 

“I couldn’t find it!! Some articles said there was a video though, so believe what you want,” Shuichi sighed, “The home owners eventually went to a physicist, who picked up on a presence named Sallie.” 

“What kind of boring ass name is Sallie? If I was a demon, I’d pick one that fit me and my amazingness,” Kokichi boasted. 

“I don’t know, but it sure as hell is creepy,” Kaito rebutted. 

“Later on in the year, while the homeowner was grabbing a drink of orange juice, he turned around to see a little girl in old clothing. Later, he sketched out what he saw for his wife. The scariest part of this all is, way before all this happened, a couple lived in the house with their daughter. Their daughter had an imaginary friend named Sallie, and whenever she got in trouble for something, she would say ‘I didn’t do it, Sallie did’ or ‘Sallie made me do it’. When shown the picture that the guy drew, years later, she identified it as her friend Sallie,” Shuichi said quietly, setting up something on the table. Kaito was pale as a sheet, and Kokichi seemed to be enjoying every second of it. 

“And then, and then? What happened next?” Kokichi asked. 

“Well fires would start on their own, especially in the nursery. Once, a lamp was even thrown at the wife-” Shuichi started before being interrupted. 

“I’d rather have either of you throw a lamp at me instead of a-a-a-” Kaito started. 

“A demon? Well, I’ll say that I will never  _ ever _ forgive you guys if you don’t let a demon hit me with a lamp,” Kokichi said, 100% serious, “I can imagine the headlines now, ‘Youtuber gets hit with demon lamp for being a bitch, not clickbait’.” 

“However, in 1994, they finally moved out,” Shuichi explained.

“But…” Kokichi said, creepily, his face downwards, “Who really was Sallie?”

“We don’t know,” Shuichi replied, but then snapped his fingers, “Actually, upon researching the tenants, I found out that there actually was a Sallie living in the house, however, she was a middle-aged black woman.” 

“Hold up,” Kokichi chuckled, “You’re telling me this ghost-demon thing completely just whitewashed the history of this house? Nah nah, I’ve lost all respect for this thing, it no longer has the right to hit me with a lamp.”

“Kokichi,” Shuichi lightly frowned, lowkey amused, “Focus.”

“Right right, what happened next?” Kokichi rolled his eyes. 

“Well, I found some information that demons will sometimes present themselves as children in an attempt to look more weak and presentable.”

“That’s a nice way of saying vulnerable and pathetic,” Kokichi said, checking his flaking black nail polish. 

“Hey S-shuichi,” Kaito finally spoke up, “What are those flashlights for…?”

“Oh,” Shuichi said, a new realization dawning on him, “Don’t freak out. But. We’re going to try to communicate. With a demon.”

“Oh,” Kaito said, before it sunk in, “ _ Oh.” _

“Wait, really?” Kokichi asked, racing towards it, “Hey hey Sallie demon!! You know I’m a liar, right? You know, I’ve never lied to a demon before, that could change today. Hey, Shuichi, is this broken? How does it even work?”

“Well if you sat still, I’d explain it properly,” Shuichi mumbled under his breath, before saying louder, “You ask them a yes or no question, like ‘If you can hear me, turn the flashlight on’. Then you wait.”

“Hmmm,” Kokichi thought, “Okay! I get it. Except your question is boring~ Hey, de-mon!!! Sallie, girl, do you like womens? Ok, turn the flashlight on if you like women!!”

And then they waited. 

Shuichi was skeptical, the flashlight had only turned on once so far in every single house he’s ever been to (and he’s been to a lot). The chances of it turning on now is little to none. In fact, Shuichi wasn’t even sure if ghosts or demons existed, he just thought it was entertaining to think there was life beyond what human research and science allows. 

Though, due to more recent evidence, demons are closer than we actually think. However, what are the chances that he’ll actually encounter on-

“OH MY GOD, IT JUST TURNED ON, HOLY SHI-” Kokichi screamed, which was toned out due to Kaito’s screeching, “HEY SALLIE DEMON GHOST THING!!! I HAVE A FRIEND NAMED MIU AND SHE’S A TOTAL WHORE. THAT’S NOT THE POINT THOUGH, THE POINT IS THAT SHE’D FUCK ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, WHADDYA SAY? I BET SHE’D LOOOOVE TO FUCK A DEMON. TURN THE LIGHT OFF IF YOU’D GIVE HER A CHANCE, C’MON!!” 

The silence that followed was deafening. They waited. And waited. And waited some more. The light remained on. 

“Aw bummer, y’all would’ve been a power couple. It’s fine though, I bet your standards are too high for shit like her. Slay bitch, I bet you get great demon boos,” Kokichi responded, seeming to hype the demon up. 

“Kokichi…” Kaito managed to say, “You’re- That’s- What-?” 

“Shhhh,” Kokichi shushed him, “Don’t think, that’ll only make it harder. You’re not capable of such thought processes either.” 

“Hey, I’m not stupid!” Kaito argued back, “But there has to be some trick, right? Shuichi! You’re pulling my leg, right? This isn’t real, right?” 

Shuichi stayed silent, questioning what he just saw. That was supposedly real, he didn’t have a light trick or anything. He wasn’t secretly controlling the light with a remote, which meant that this was real… or… 

Shuichi looked over at Kokichi. 

Or that Kokichi was secretly screwing with them. 

Shuichi didn’t want to assume it was the latter, but he couldn’t help but theorize. After all, wasn’t this a perfect prank opportunity? With Kaito being deathly afraid of the supernatural, Kokichi could harmlessly screw with him by knocking stuff down, redirecting the lights, that kind of stuff. Basically, causing chaos. Which just so happened to be Kokichi’s specialty. That would give him some epic content, but Shuichi wasn’t fond of the idea of tricking his audience. 

However, that begs the question of how could Kokichi have seen this coming? There’s no way he could’ve messed with the technology that quickly. Well there’s only one way to prove his theory….

Shuichi put his hand behind his back, “If I’m holding up more than 3 fingers behind my back, turn off the light.” 

Kokichi stared at Shuichi with a face that read ‘What the fuck are you doing?’. Kaito looked at him with one that said ‘Don’t interact with it again!!’. However, that didn’t stop the light. It blinked for a few seconds before slowly dimming, and then turned off completely. 

Oh.

_ Oh. _

Shuichi was holding up 4 fingers. 

_ This is real.  _

Shuichi took a look at Kokichi who looked equally as shocked, which is understandable as the first time could’ve been a fluke, but it happened for a second time. Kokichi noticed Shuichi staring, and called his act back together in time to wink at him. 

Shuichi supposed that Kokichi could’ve guessed, but to have that reaction would take a lot of work. However…

“DEMONS CAN UNDERSTAND OUR LANGUAGE??” Kaito screamed, finally piecing (half) of his thoughts together. 

“This idiot-” Kokichi cussed, and Shuichi intervened. 

“How about we go to the nursery?” 

“Sure!!” Kokichi skipped up the steps, “Meet you there!!” 

Shuichi sighed, and helped Kaito up. 

Which didn’t really help due to the fact that Kaito was trying to make desperate small talk, most likely to distract himself from the situation “So uh- Kokichi?” he called, “What kind of content do you make?” 

“Hm? Oh, just the basic run of the mill stuff,” Kokichi said, “Nothing special really.”

“That’s a lie,” Shuichi exposed, catching on to how Kokichi lies every so often. 

“Right on!” Kokichi cheered, “I’m actually a gaming channel, but I also occasionally do pranks and dares, stuff like that. I like to be more free with my choices, have a bunch of options.”

“That- makes sense. I guess…?” Kaito said while watching Kokichi charge into the room at full speed. 

“Woahhhh, Shuichi!! There’s a monkey here!! It has sunglasses on!! It’s really cute!” Kokichi commented, “Hello, Sir Monkey. Are you here to protect us?” 

“You hear that, Kaito?” Shuichi tried to say, “There’s a monkey, hah. Not scary at all.”

“The monkey is possessed, it must be,” Kaito said like a not crazy person, “It’s just sitting there, waiting, waiting for us to show our weak point before devouring us whole!!” 

“Mhm, that’s nice.”

“Ok, but why is this room so blue?” Kokichi asked, “You’re telling me a baby slept here? No wonder the demons played with it. Who in their right mind places a baby in a dimly lit room that has a faded blue undertone as the wall color? It’s disgusting, and I’ll be taking my leave.”

Kokichi dramatically walked out the door and Shuichi laughed, “So, are you sensing any strange voodoo energy here? Any paranormal vibes?”

“A-absolutely!! I can hardly breathe!! Wait. Do you think if I breathe hard enough, I’ll breathe in the spirits? And then they’ll be trapped inside me! I’ll have to breathe them out or sneeze them out like demon snot. AND-” 

“Kaito, calm down!! Look, nothing bad is happening to us. The flashlight thing was probably a fluke, and there’s no actual real evidence. We’re going to be fine, okay?” Shuichi said, trying to calm Kaito. 

“Okay, sidekick bro dude, you’re right. I can’t let my fears hold you back!! I have to take one for the team! Onwards, let’s regroup with Kokichi!” Kaito said heroically (even though he was still slightly shaking). 

“ Right,” Shuichi said, walking into the halls, looking for Kokichi, “Wait… where did Kokichi go?”

“What?”

“Kokichi. He walked out the door. Where did he go??” 

“Psh- that bitch is probably hiding around some corner ready to scare us.”

Shuichi considered it. Kaito had a point. “Let’s go look for him anyway.”

Shuichi proceeded to look through the house thoroughly, checking every nook and cranny, not finding any sign of the small dude. He couldn’t have gone that far, right? How far could tiny legs carry you? It had only been a few minutes, and Shuichi would know if the front door had been opened, for it was the squeakiest little shit ever. Which means there’s only one place left…

“Kaito, there’s only one more place we haven’t checked.”

“Oh, there’s more?” Kaito asked, “Why didn’t you say so? Let’s go.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Shuichi sighed, “It’s the basement.”

“THIS SHIT HOLE HAS A BASEMENT?” 

“Yes,” Shuichi paused, “Did I not mention that?”

“NO??” 

“Oh. Well, there was once a family that lived here that didn’t report any supernatural activity. But from a surprise visit from the landlord, they found out that there was a straight-up satanic ritual in it. There was a large pentagram, multiple candles, and a black mark on the floor. There were theories that the mother of the family was a satan worshipper, and that her rituals were the thing that opened the rift between the worlds. Oh! But, of course, that’s just a theory!!”

Kaito sighed, “O-ok. Let’s get going then. We, we check in the basement, and if Kokichi isn’t there, then we go out immediately. Alright?”

“Kaito, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want t-”

“No! I have to help rescue my sidekick’s sidekick!! It’s my end goal. Plus, if it turns out that he’s just pranking us, then I want to be the first person to confront him.” 

Shuichi nodded in acknowledgement, and he turned to open the basement door. When he said earlier that the front door was the squeakiest shit he’s ever had the displeasure of hearing, it was obviously no competition for the basement door. The basement door sounded like a thousand mice being lightly tortured over a small flame, like a giant fork being dragged across a silver plate. Kaito made a gesture with his head that said ‘after you’, and Shuichi walked in first, rolling his eyes. 

They were wearing headlights, as they thought flashlights would be inconvenient. The little camera fluttered around them. 

“Kokichi??” Shuichi called out. No response. 

Kaito sighed, “Well...guess he’s not here!! Let’s get ou-”

“ABRACADABRA!!” 

Kokichi screamed from seemingly nowhere, he was met with a scream in response from Kaito. 

After calming down, Kaito (somewhat) regained his composure, “What. The fuck?” 

“Oh, I thought it’d be hilarious if you screamed when I said ‘Abracadabra’!” Kokichi explained. 

“And?” Shuichi asked.

“It totally was!! Oh my god, I found this hole in the back, and hid there for a while. Then y’all came in here, which I heard because of that squeaky ass door. And then, and then!! Footsteps!!” Kokichi said, each word becoming faster and faster as he went on, “I thought, ‘Is Abracadabra a spooky word?’ Then I almost died imagining my super hot sleep paralysis demon towering over me one day and the first thing it says is ‘Abracadabra’, so obviously my best course of action would be-”

“Wait. Hole?” Kaito asked. 

Kokichi blinked, “Oh yeahhhhh!! Ahem. Everyone, meet my new friend. Holey the black hole that’s suspiciously in the back of this basement wall!! Am I lying? Absolutely not, there is legitimately a spoopy hole here, wonderful.”

Shuichi glanced back and found that Kokichi wasn’t lying, there was indeed a hole the size of a baby elephant behind him, “Didn’t see this in the research articles…” Shuichi mumbled. Or maybe he did and just forgot because of sleep deprivation, that’s also a valid assumption. 

Kaito made a noise resembling a dying seagull, and Kokichi picked at his nails, “So, what? We’re just not going to investigate this? Cowards, the lot of you! Whatever, I’ll just go by myself, but if I get killed, then it’s all your fault! You’ll have to live with the regret for the rest of your puny, pathetic lives that you could’ve saved someone as fabulous, gorgeous, stunnin-”

“Ok, ok, fine!! We’ll go with you, okay?” Kaito gave in, and Kokichi cheered.

As the trio walked towards the conveniently placed hole, Kaito gave Shuichi one last desperate look of alarm. Shuichi shrugged, “I guess it’s a good thing I brought the flashlights…?”

When they got to the hole, Shuichi set down the flashlight across from himself, and turned it on, Kaito seemed to be making a small prayer in the corner. 

_ Huh, didn’t take Kaito as the religious type.  _

When Shuichi got closer, he realized Kaito wasn’t praying, and was in fact just squating and laughing to himself. 

_ Alright, looks like I’m the only sane one left.  _

Shuichi turned towards the flashlight, and cleared his throat, “Um, if there’s some sort of uh… entity or spirit here, please turn the light off.” 

They waited, nothing happened. 

“Why aren’t the demons suddenly talking to us?” Shuichi mumbled out loud. 

“Maybe they’re homophobic,” Kokichi replied, deadass. 

“None of us are gay though?” Kaito said, confused. 

“I’m-” Kokichi said, staring incredulously before whispering to Shuichi, “Is he actually this stupid or is this a type of prank? Am I on tik tok? Hi tik tok!!” 

“Hey, watch what you say! I’m not stupid,” Kaito rebutted. 

“Everyone, shush!” Shuichi exclaimed, and they went back to staring at the light. 

They waited again, Shuichi didn’t even realize he was holding his breath until the flashlight started dimming. He exhaled, things weren’t going too bad. 

The headlights turned off. 

Kaito whimpered, “Wrong FUCKING LIGHT, DUDE BRO!” 

“M-my bad, I meant the flashlight across from us, please turn that off!!” 

“Make them turn your headlights back on fir-” but Kokichi didn’t get to finish his sentence as they were thrown in total darkness. 

Kaito screamed, and Shuichi tried turning on his headlight. It didn’t work. 

Kokichi quickly shushed everyone, “Y’all, wait! I got this.”

Silence. Shuichi spoke up, “What the fuck are you talking ab-”

Kokichi slammed his foot on the ground. His sneakers lit up. 

“Hell yeah! I’ve been waiting for the chance to use these!” Kokichi said while aggressively stomping his other foot. 

“Yo, uh-” Kaito started to say, “No offense, but like, who the hell wears light-up sneakers anymore?”

“Shut up! It’s for the aesthetic!” 

Once, they regained their composure in the living room, Kaito cheered, “Oh my god! Finally! We did it, we survived, I never thought it would end!” 

Shuichi tilted his head, “What...do you mean?” 

“That’s it, right? The video’s done?” 

Kokichi paused, “OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THE KAIDIOT, GETTING INTO MESSES WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT HE’S GETTING INTO. Use your brain for once in your fucking life and take a look around you. Notice anything different?” 

Shuichi looked incredulously as Kaito looked around him, seeming to finally see for the first time in his life, “Are those, what, plush blankets or something?”

“Or something,” Shuichi responded, “I thought I texted you to bring some gear for staying overnight in the house?”

“My phone doesn’t work half of the time, so I don’t really get notifications of messages.”

“Like owner, like phone,” Kokichi muttered as he took out his own sleeping bag, “Why did you think I was wearing this backpack? What did you think was in it?”

“I don’t know, man, like snacks or something??” Kaito scratched his head, embarrassed. 

Kokichi rolled his eyes, and Shuichi took the opening, “Here, I can call Rantaro to pick you up, I think he’s still in the city too.”

“Oh,” Kaito said before the meaning of those words sunk in, “ _ Oh.  _ Wait, awesome!! Dude, wait, are you sure about this?? What about the bro code? Also, I can’t leave you alone with this- this-,” Kaito leaned in closer to whisper, “Human grape,” he continued in normal talking level, “Are you really okay with this?” 

“Yeah, it’s no problem, I know you’ve felt a bit uncomfortable as well.”

Kaito blinked, “Thanks so much, dude!” he patted Shuichi on the back before whispering something in his ear, “And call me if the grape annoys you too much.” 

“I can literally hear you, y’know?” Kokichi said, walking over, “You aren’t exactly quiet. Plus, do I look like the kind of person that would do something like that to my beloved, sweet, dear Shuichi here? Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Kaito nodded before speeding out of the door. 

BONUS: 

Rantaro picked up on the third ring, “Yo, what’s up?”

“You’re still in the city right?” Shuichi said, silently praying that Rantaro hadn’t left already. 

“Uhhh… yeah? Something wrong?” 

“Oh, great! Could you swing by the house and take Kaito home, he uh-” Shuichi stopped, remembering Kaito didn’t want others to know he was afraid of paranormal stuff, “He has this- uh- really bad, like, I mean  _ really bad _ case of diarrhea, and I’m not about to let him shit on the demon infested house.”

“Ohhh…” Rantaro said, Shuichi could hear him cringe, “Yeah, I can do that, tell him to hang tight, I’ll be there in a few min-”

“Rantaro, darling, who are you talking to?” Shuichi heard a voice next to Rantaro. 

“Not now, Kiyo,” Rantaro whisper-hissed, but Shuichi still heard him. Someone really had to tell him that he could not whisper to save his life, “Yeah, I’ll be there in a few minutes, bye.” 

Shuichi stood there in silence.  _ What the hell just happened? _

“So, is he coming?” Kaito asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Yeah, he’s coming, I just-” Shuichi sighed, “Feel like I heard something I wasn’t supposed to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUAHAHAHAHAHA SORTA CLIFFHANGER?????
> 
> Yeah, I didn't really like this chapter. 
> 
> Also amaguji stans, how yall feel about the crumbs i just left you? (sry i swear there'll be more interaction between them later, there's a reason why they're "trying" to be subtle about it)  
> This whole ordeal was supposed to be one chapter, but after I hit 5000 words and I wasn't even half done yet, I realized this was going to have to be two parts. If this does well, I'll release the next part within three days!! I promise!!! SWEARSIES!!!!!!!  
> The Kokichi wearing light-up sneakers was a self-insert on my part. THE FILTHY KOKICHI KINNIE JUST POPPED OUT, I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE. then again, i also still rly want heelies sooooooo IDK SUE ME 
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated!! Thank you so much for reading!!


	9. The Haunting: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: saiouma fans are going to hATE me after this 
> 
> WARNING: this chapter has sEVERE levels of CRINGE 
> 
> please don't ask me what i was on when i wrote this, because i don't know either.
> 
> anyways enjoy :>>>>

May 5th, Tuesday, 20XX

The first ring rang throughout Shuichi’s ears, less anxiety filled, and more impatience. It was quiet and low, no one could’ve heard it unless it was on speaker. The second ring followed, anxiety creeping in behind it. Another ring came before they finally picked up on the fourth ring. 

“Shuichi?” the voice greeted, “What’s up?”

“Hey Kaede,” Shuichi replied, “How’s your performance going?”

“Oh, I’m about to go on-stage in about ten minutes, so I’d say I’m feeling a bit stressed. Overall, the performance has gone off without a hitch, the third opener just played. They’re currently retuning the piano again just to check for inconsistencies.”

“Wait, hold up. You’re about to play in ten minutes? What are you doing talking to me?” Shuichi squeaked. 

“You’re my best friend, of course I’d talk to you whenever you call. You know the saying: ‘Friends before incredibly well-paying piano performances’.” Kaede giggled. 

“I’m not sure that’s the saying… but okay.”

“Oh, shut up. Plus, this is calming my nerves just a little,” Kaede clapped on the other end, “Right, I almost forgot! I’m so proud of you!”

“What do you mean?” Shuichi asked, confused. 

“I mean, you socialized all on your own and now you have two new friends!! How are you guys doing over there? Any ghost possessing?” Kaede joked. 

“Yeah, about that, Kaito got uh-” Shuichi said, cringing at the bad excuse he gave Rantaro earlier, “Yeah, Kaito got a stomach ache and had to call it a day.” 

“Oh no! I’ll have to help with that once I get back,” Kaede said humming, Shuichi could practically imagine her tapping out her piano piece on the table, “Wait… so it’s just you and- and you know who?” 

“Kaede, his name isn’t a curse.”

“He-who-shall-not-be-named.”

“ _ Kaede.” _

“Sorry, sorry! Continue.”

“Like, I don’t know how to feel about this. I know we’ve been lowkey flirting, I’m not stupid-” 

Kaede snorted. 

Shuichi rolled his eyes and then continued, “I’m not stupid, I’ve studied enough social cues and practiced enough Extrovert Simulator to know what this is.”

“Was that sarcasm?” 

“Is the sky blue?”

“Hey, I’m the one giving you advice here, you should be grateful,” Kaede said, fake scoffing, “In fact, I don’t like this type of attitude you’re giving me.”

“Kaede. Stay. Focused.” 

“Right, right,” there was a bit of silence, in which Shuichi assumed Kaede was thinking, but she could’ve also been checking her social media. No one knows, “You need to determine the relationship.” 

“What?”

“Stuff like ‘What are we?’. Like, are we just friends, friends who flirt, friends who flirt because they like each other, friends who flirt because we want to get in each other’s pants-”

Shuichi cut her off, “I think I get the idea, thank you so much Kaede, that was  _ super _ helpful.”

“Anytime, Shuichi,” Kaede said, completely ignoring the obvious sarcasm, “Oh- by the way, I-”

“Yo, Cow Tits,” a voice behind Kaede said, “You’re about to go up, they’re calling for you.”

“Thank you so much Miu! Let me just finish up this call, and I’ll head right up!” Kaede called out cheerfully before whispering into the phone, “ _ Say anything about this and you are a dead man, _ ” Kaede then went back to her regular speaking voice, “I have to go, goodbye for now!”

“Alright, by-” Shuichi said before Kaede hung up on him. 

_ Rude.  _

“Who was that, hm?” Kokichi asked as Shuichi walked back into the house.

“Just had to talk to Kaede before her performance,” Shuichi replied, “Have you set up the sleeping bags yet?” 

~

After Shuichi went out to take a call, Kokichi decided to check his phone for the first time in hours. To his surprise (not), there was a message in the group chat awaiting him from Miu. 

**[This is the bottom cult]**

**4:30 PM**

TheHoeHerself: Yo, Cockichi did you steal Good old Billy Dave Dick Face?

Kokichi rolled his eyes, he forgot about that. 

**[This is the bottom cult]**

**11:49 PM**

ProbablyHasABottomKink: nope, no idea who Good old Billy Dave Dick Face even is! good day!

ProbablyHasABottomKink: ….who changed my nickname again…?

TheHoeHerself: Who do you think it was fucker?

TheHoeHerself: Now answer the damn question

ProbablyHasABottomKink: change my nickname first

TheHoeHerself: I-

**TheHoeHerself has changed ProbablyHasABottomKink’s name to IsAKaitouKinnieInBed**

IsAKaitouKinnieInBed: kaitou as in the phantom thief from detective conan?

TheHoeHerself: Who else?

IsAKaitouKinnieInBed: @Momther can you take away miu’s mod privileges 

Momther: No

IsAKaitouKinnieInBed: gimme mod then >:o

Momther: No

IsAKaitouKinnieInBed: change my name? >:(

Momther: Fine

**Momther has changed IsAKaitouKinnieInBed’s name to NotTheFavoriteChild**

NotTheFavoriteChild: momther….why must you wound me so?

Momther: I’ll change it to something good if you say you didn’t take Miu’s invention

NotTheFavoriteChild: looks like i’ll be stuck with this one my whole life,,,

TheHoeHerself: I KNEW IT, IT WAS YOU, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE MY HANDS-FREE ECO FRIENDLY CAMERA

NotTheFavoriteChild: I NEEDED IT FOR A THING 

TheHoeHerself: I WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO YOU UNLESS YOU WERE PLANNING TO GET UNDER THE SHEETS AND RECORD IT

NotTheFavoriteChild: jail <3

TheHoeHerself: No <3

NotTheFavoriteChild: i was just trying to stalk someone and needed Good old Billy Dave Dick Face for help

Guacamole: That’s a lie, he was trying to help out shuichi

NotTheFavoriteChild: TRAITOR >:(((

TheHoeHerself: OH I SEE NOWWWWW

TheHoeHerself: Ha simp

NotTheFavoriteChild: this is favoritism and homophobic, i won’t stand for this

TheHoeHerself: Stfu we’re literally all gay bitch

NotTheFavoriteChild: uh huh, and we’re just not going to talk about how rantaro and kork are so obviously on a date right now

Guacamole: No nope shut up s h u t 

TheHoseHerself: HAHAH IS THIS TRUE? 

NotTheFavoriteChild: while leaving, i didn’t see kork around the kitchen, even though he usually makes his morning tea around the same time we left

NotTheFavoriteChild: not only that, i thought it was rather weird that Rantaro wouldn’t let us go past the sixth row of his private plane, as the whole plane had twelve rows, separated section by section

NotTheFavoriteChild: and according to the call shuichi made earlier, kork  _ is _ actually hanging out with rantaro RIGHT NOW

NotTheFavoriteChild: MAKE YOUR FOLLOWING STATEMENT

Guacamole: Objection!!

Guacamole: I was simply just on a call with kiyo but merged the calls for simplicity instead of just ending it and calling him back.

Guacamole: I had told Kiyo to mute for a second, but I guess he forgot

Guacamole: Mistakes happen

NotTheFavoriteChild: No, that’s wrong!!

NotTheFavoriteChild: that wouldn’t make sense because of what kork was saying!

NotTheFavoriteChild: he said “who are you talking to” meaning that he didn’t even know who you were talking to

NotTheFavoriteChild: i find that hard to believe considering your close relationship with him

TheHoeHerself: B R E A K !

Weeb: ,,,what the fuck are y’all doing?

NotTheFavoriteChild: oh i forgot we added you smoothie!! 

Guacamole: idk I think we’re recreating something we saw in a video game

NotTheFavoriteChild: i was just saying the beginning thing to be dramatic and act smart, but then rantaro actually said something back, so i just went with it lol

TheHoeHerself: The piano performance I’m at right now is having a break, so idk lmao

NotTheFavoriteChild: piano performance? that doesn’t seem like your style at all

TheHoeHerself: Oh yeah hahah ikr dunno why i’m here lol

NotTheFavoriteChild: ….wait

NotTheFavoriteChild: piano.,,,.,.,.,.,.,,,,,,,kaEDE PLAYS PIANO

NotTheFavoriteChild: MIU YOU DUMPSTER TRUCK VERSION OF A SIMP ARE YOU AT KAEDES PIANO PERFORMANCE

TheHoeHerself: NO WHERE DID YOU GET THAT IDEA?

Guacamole: She says while probably flirting with kaede rn

TheHoeHerself: ALDKJS I GTG-

TheHoeHerself: KOKICHI ISTG IF YOU BREAK BILLY DICK FACE

NotTheFavoriteChild: :)

Guacamole: Miu is going to eat you alive

NotTheFavoriteChild: kinky

TheHoeHerself: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT SMILEY FACE MEAN

Kokichi slammed his phone onto the table, face-down, as Shuichi walked in. 

“Who was that, hm?” he asked, trying to ignore the buzzes coming out of his phone. 

“Just had to talk to Kaede before her performance,” Shuichi walked over to a chair and sat down, anxiously smiling, “Have you set up the sleeping bags yet? It’s fine if you haven’t.”

Kokichi smiled.

_ Yup, he’s definitely noticed the buzzing. _

“Nope, not yet~!” 

“Okay, we can do it together.”

More moments of silence. More buzzing. 

“Um,” Shuichi said, finally cracking, “What’s wrong with your phone?”

“Nothi-” Kokichi tried to respond before his phone started ringing. 

Oh, but it was not a normal ringtone. 

Because why would  _ the  _ Kokichi Ouma have a normal ringtone?

“-aPpLe bOtToM jEaNsSSs, bOoTs wItH tHe-”

Yeah, his ringtone with “Low”. What else would it be?

But oh, Kokichi knew where this was going.

Shuichi stared at him, wondering if Kokichi was going to answer his phone or not. 

Kokichi didn’t.

“fUrRrrR, gOt tHe wHoLe cLuB LoOkInG aT hEr, shE hIT tHe- 

“JESSICA!”

Shuichi snorted, “Oh no, this is  _ that  _ version.”

“Yeah it is,” Kokichi said, then mimicking the mother, “ _ Did you sleep with your teacher?” _

“Mr. Wilson?” Shuichi said, making the fakest voice crack ever, “No.”

“Okay, okay, hold on,” Kokichi settled, picking up the phone, “What do you want, you hoe?”

“Bitch, not so loud!!” Miu whispered, piano playing in the background, “But I needed to check, what did you do to Good old Billy Dick Face?”

“Nothing bad, it works, still in one piece. Stop worrying, I’m not a complete asshole, geez,” Kokichi rolled his eyes. 

“I can never be too careful with you,” Miu whisper-hissed back before gasping, “Oh, by the way, how are you and  _ Shuichi _ -” 

“Just fine, thanks,” Kokichi said, monotone, and then hung up. 

~

“Fucking shit,” Miu cussed under her breath, outside of Kaede’s dressing room waiting for her to finish changing.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Kokichi won’t answer his phone, it’s been half an hour.”

“He’s probably just busy, I’m sure they’re fine,” Kaede said, finally exiting in a light pink sweater, “Come on, we have to catch the next flight!”

Miu sighed and then tucked her phone into her pocket, “Alright, let’s go.”

“Oh, by the way,” Kaede said, skipping ahead, her hair still perfectly curled, “Thanks for coming with me today, I usually bring Shuichi, and having a friend with me is comforting. And considering what happened today in the performance....Well, just- thank you.”

Miu smiled, “Yeah of course, Titties. Don’t sweat it.”

A few moments of silence passed, and Miu subconsciously reached for her phone, but then hesitated. 

“Miu,” Kaede called out, noticing the act, “You can stop worrying, they’re grown adults after all. I know you love and care for your friends, even though you’re kind of...vulgar… about it. It’s actually something I like about you. And if this is about your invention, I have a feeling Kokichi won’t be too careless about it, promise.”

“I-It’s not about my invention,” Miu said flustered, not acknowledging the compliment, “It’s just- ah, whatever. You’re probably right, let’s go.” 

Kaede nodded in agreement before answering.

“I’m sure they’re absolutely fine.”

~

Shuichi was in no way fine. 

The first contributor to this was the fact that the sleeping bags were super uncomfortable.

The second contributor was Kokichi and the fact that he was  _ insufferable _ after midnight. 

It started while they were setting up the sleeping bags, a little before midnight. 

Their fingers had brushed past each other for a split second, but that could’ve just been Shuichi’s imagination fucking with him again. 

Their eyes met for a second, and Shuichi swore he could have counted all the specks in Kokichi’s eyes, but that must have just been something weird in their take-out. 

And of course, when Shuichi had actually tried going to sleep, Kokichi just had to start whispering. 

“Hey Shuichi, you still up?”

Shuichi ignored it. 

“Shuichi….Shu-ichi... _ Shuichi _ . Guess you’re not awake, huh?”

_ What? _

“You know, I… I’ve been keeping something from you.”

_ What was this cliche moment? _

“Actually, the truth is…”

Shuichi tensed up, he probably even stopped breathing for a moment.

“The truth is that I actually wanted tacos instead of Chinese take-out.”

Shuichi choked, “What?!”

“Ah hah! I knew it, you were awake the whole time. I can’t believe you would lie to me like that. It’s taken a toll on my young, fair, maiden heart,” Kokichi complained, clutching his heart dramatically. 

Shuichi scoffed, scratching his head, “Real mature, let’s try to get some sleep, right?” 

“Bold of you to assume I could get some sleep with an actual demon next to me.”

“You’d be surprised what your willpower can do.”

“Well, I say rebellion!!” Kokichi screamed, standing up, and sticking his hand in the air, “VIVA LA REVOLUTION! You’ll never take me down alive, I will stand for as long as I can, kicking and screaming with all my might, but you’ll never have the  _ satisfaction _ of killing me in cold blood, for I will rise above you to make sure that moment will never come!” 

“That’s nice and all, but you’re stepping on my phone Kokichi,” Shuichi said, trying to pry the phone up from under Kokichi. 

“Oh, whoops,” Kokichi said, stepping aside before running into the kitchen and grabbing the whipped cream, “This is for revolution!!” 

And then he sprayed the whipped cream into his mouth directly. 

“God dammit, Kokichi,” Shuichi groggily cussed, “I was going to fucking eat that too.”

“Who said you can’t still eat it?” Kokichi asked in between more sprays. 

“My common sense,” Shuichi said, checking his phone. 

2 AM. 

“Kokichi, if you keep quiet until 3 AM, I’ll let you run rampant at the witching hour, deal?”

“You strike an interesting bargain,” Kokichi said, placing the whipped cream container back in the bag, “I accept.”

“Good,” Shuichi said, turning around, not knowing that Kokichi would continue to purposely kick him from the sleeping bag for the next hour.

~

It was 3 AM, and Shuichi had just remembered his sorta-promise with Kaede.

After a five second mental pep talk, Shuichi gathered up all his courage to say something, “Kokichi?”

“Hm?” Kokichi yawned, it seemed that he had almost fallen-asleep, but not quite.

Shuichi took some deep breaths before trying to continue. 

“Yo, Shu-” Kokichi tried to talk again, but Shuichi quickly turned around and grabbed Kokichi’s hands, giving them a slight squeeze. Kokichi’s face immediately turned red, “Woah, what the fuck-”

“KOKICHI OUMA,” Shuichi started, realizing a few seconds after that he had screamed it. Panicked, he continued without thinking, “I WANT TO BE FRIENDS.”

Kokichi blinked, “Err- what?”

Shuichi mentally hit himself, “Um, like only friends? NO- wait- like- friends or not friends? Or like with no relationship? UM-”

“I get it,” Kokichi said, stopping Shuichi.

“You do?” Shuichi checked, wondering how anyone could understand the gibberish he just spit out. 

“Yeah,” Kokichi said, diverting his eyes to somewhere else, “I didn’t think you’d be this blunt, but I was sorta expecting this.”

“Expecting wh--?” Shuichi tried to ask, super confused. 

“No, it’s fine. Let’s be friends.”

“Right…” Shuichi said, deciding to go with it, already thinking of how to explain this to Kaede, “Friends. Yes. This was a declaration of friendship. A bold claim of-”

_ Clank! _

“What the fuck was that?” Kokichi asked while Shuichi tried deciding what kind of funeral confetti he wanted since Kaede was so obviously going to  _ kill him now. _

“Wait,” Kokichi began again, picking up the whipped cream container that fell on the floor, “I thought I put this away in one of the bags. What’s it doing out here….”

“You don’t think?” Shuichi mumbled, “The demons-”

“Ah, yes!” Kokichi exclaimed, “The demons were vewy hungy for some sweet whipped cweam. It makes sense! Mhm, the white of the cream balances out the blackness of their soul.”

“Remind me to never let you have sugar this late at night ever agai-”

“ _ Leave.”  _

“Wow, Shuichi, I’m real hurt. And right after our bold declaration of friendship too?” Kokichi whined. 

“That- uh- That wasn’t me,” Shuichi said, weary. 

They looked at each other, and only muttered a single word. 

“Run.” 

And only afterwards, did an unspoken agreement occur between the two to never speak about the incident ever again. 

~

Rantaro wasn’t an intense kind of dude. 

Sort of the opposite, actually. 

If Rantaro would choose some words to describe himself, he would use the words “chill”, “vibing”, and “bodacious”. Which was definitely a word by the way. 

So when he got a very chill call from Shuichi, who was in a panicked voice, early in the morning asking to pick him and Kokichi up, who was Rantaro to deny? 

After all, Kokichi  _ was _ his honorary little brother. Then again, Rantaro pretty much adopts anyone as his honorary siblings anyways, so that doesn’t say much. However, after (not) much debate, Rantaro grabbed his keys and ran out.

“I’ll be there soon,” Rantaro lied to shuichi before hanging up, knowing it’d take him at least a couple hours. 

Because he’s just that chill. 

~

Once Shuichi and Kokichi got back to the house, Miu immediately stormed out to greet them in her fluffy bunny slippers with the words “Too Hip to Hop” on the side of them.

“Welcome back,” she said, seemingly annoyed at the whole ordeal, “Where’s Dick Face Joe Bob whatever?”

“Chill chill,” Kokichi yawned, pulling out the camera from it’s protective case, “I have your sex toy right here.”

“Right…” Miu skeptically said before grabbing it, “It worked right?”

“Yes.”

“Oh- I mean, HA, of fucking course it worked!! I’m  _ the _ gorgeous girl genius, don’t underestimate me!” Miu spat, completely overpowering the room with her massive ego. 

“Right,” Kokichi said, being the pin that popped that fragile ego, “But I honestly have to give you credit for the light source fueling it. You were absolutely right, I double-checked the footage after we left and even though we were in a dimly lit house, the recordings are still spotless and fully functional.”

“Right, the uh- light source,” Miu said, her eyes averted, “I’ll- I’ll send you the footage tomorrow, I have to go- to go- check the maintenance on poor Billy. They must’ve been traumatized in your care!” 

“Uh huh, right,” Kokichi replied, rolling his eyes as he watched Miu sprint back to her room. 

“So, Shuichi,” Kokichi said after Miu was out of sight, “Did you notice anything strange about Miu just now?” 

“Yes, she was standing very still. Too still. And she didn’t seem to make any eye contact,” Shuichi looked towards Kokichi, “All signs that she may be lying.”

Kokichi sighed, “So you noticed it too, huh? When I examined the footage while we were waiting for Rantaro, I noticed that the camera didn’t actually stop working while we were emitted in complete darkness in the basement. In fact, the audio, the footage, everything came out perfectly fine, which according to its power source, being light, wouldn’t seem to add up.”

“Furthermore, I’ve known Miu all throughout high school,” Kokichi mumbled, “She may seem like a total ditz, and I may say she is, but she’s actually pretty smart. Now, for someone that smart to come up with an unreliable power source such as light, especially for something like a camera, doesn’t quite make sense. At least, that’s what I thought when I opened up the cover.” 

“Wait, you just opened the cover? Just like that?” Shuichi asked incredulously. 

“Well yeah, it had one of those click-n-open covers!” Kokichi defended himself, “Plus, when you held the camera, didn’t you think it was kind of heavy? Solar panels aren’t that heavy, but this camera was heavier than the average camera. And you think such a flaw would be removed, especially since the camera is supposed to be flying. That’s when I discovered the panel was fake, and there was actually a huge battery as the main power source inside the camera!!” 

“W-what?” Shuichi asked, not really keeping up. 

“Think about it,” Kokichi said before starting to mumble again, “Solar panel technology is ridiculously hard to manage, so it was already kind of suspicious in the first place that Miu’s was working well in the beginning, despite not getting a lot of light. The only question now is why…”

Shuichi thought about it. Kokichi’s statements did make a lot of sense, and in hindsight, it was sort of obvious as well. But what was this for? Was this an illusion, a trick? For others to think Miu had created something amazing? 

The invention itself was already a huge step in technology, but to go this far…

“Oh well! Don’t worry about it, it was only a hunch. Plus, like I actually know how much solar panels weigh, ha!” Kokichi said, laughing, and heading out, “See ya later,  _ friend.” _

Shuichi waved goodbye, a little taken back by the sudden aggressive tone when Kokichi said the word friend, but decided it was nothing. 

Was it just a hunch though? Could Kokichi potentially be onto something? 

Shuichi finally sighed, and headed back to his own room. 

_ I’ll deal with it tomorrow.  _

And that was the last solid thought Shuichi had before collapsing on his bed and sleeping for the next 16 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN STORY  
> when my beta finished reading this, the first thing they said to me was: "are you even taking your writing seriously anymore?"   
> and that was just the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard in my life. absolutely preposterous, i could not believe what my eyes were seeing. so to combat that absurd statement, i said back: "anymore? when have i ever taken my writing seriously?" 
> 
> so anyways, for reasons completely unrelated to the above story, i am now in need of a new beta reader. i pay in good advice and mother services . 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated, thank you for reading!!


	10. The Story of YearQuil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AvocadoDoesMakeup: You can’t just say “in this essay, i will-” and then not write the actual essay
> 
> KingHorse: i mean,,,,
> 
> AvocadoDoesMakeup: No, you absolute mad lad-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: guys i'm so sorry for this chapter, please- like- i'm so sorry
> 
> Hello there! Welcome to "I don't know how to properly come up with things so I throw in more shenanigans that happened with me and my friends"
> 
> So yeah. Enjoy!

May 7th, Thursday, 20XX

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**9:06 AM**

KingHorse: @AnxietyHolmes wow, hello there friend, what a friendly friendtabulous day it is outside. would you like to have a friendly friend talk on this here friendly server?

AnxietyHolmes: why absolutely dear friend, for that is what friends do, and that is what we are, mere friends

KingHorse: wonderful friend, let’s begin our friendly friend chat!

AnxietyHolmes: :>>

Assassin: I’m sorry, what the fuck is going on

Assassin: We seriously can’t go one day without one of y’all clowning? 

KingHorse: y’all

AnxietyHolmes: Y’all

GorgeousGirlGenius: Y’all

Assassin: …

**Assassin has left the group chat**

GorgeousGirlGenius: Oh fu-

KingHorse: OH MY GOD SHE LEFT LASKDFJALKS

AnxietyHolmes: Wwhat do we do??

HowToKirumi: Maki has told me to tell you all that she will be back when “you guys cease this clown-foolery”. 

HowToKirumi: Yes, she said that. 

KingHorse: rip maki can we get a f in the chat

AnxietyHolmes: f

GorgeousGirlGenius: f

PianoFreak: f

LuminaryoftheStars: f

LuminaryoftheStars: OH HEY GUYS IM FINALLY HERE FOR A CONVERSATION

KingHorse: congrats, here’s a shiny new trophy for you that does absolutely nothing, but you earned it buster

LuminaryoftheStars: Wow Kokichi real clever, cmon I know that's sarcasm

KingHorse: my word! i had no idea you knew what was sarcasm was, my deepest apologies

LuminaryoftheStars: Apology accepted, you should stop underestimating me! 

KingHorse: a-

KingHorse: k imma head out

KingHorse: friendly friend of the friends of best friend world, are you coming with?

AnxietyHolmes: No can do friend, I have to help Kiibo with some editing of our friendly adventures

GorgeousGirlGenius: GOD CAN YOU CUT IT OUT WITH THE FRIEND SHIT

LuminaryoftheStars: Geez, what happened after I left? 

PianoFreak: What I think Miu and Kaito meant is “What’s going on?” 

KingHorse: my dear friend shuichi, do you hear anything? i swear i could hear some commotion of idiots trying to communicate, but i simply cannot be sure, could you testify for me?

AnxietyHolmes: Lol you sound like my aunt 

AnxietyHolmes: I get what you mean dear friend, I simply cannot make out the absurd noise we are hearing, perhaps something is wrong with our hearing?

KingHorse: i see i see, most unfortunate

KingHorse: well, i bid you ado

GorgeousGirlGenius: ….um chile anyways-

LuminaryoftheStars: God what the hell was that hogwash

PianoFreak: Shuichi

PianoFreak: Open your door

PianoFreak: Now

AnxietyHolmes: Is...is that perhaps a fly i hear? How annoying that one got stuck in my phone!

PianoFreak: _S h u i c h i_

AnxietyHolmes: OKAY OKAY IM COMIGN HOLDONN

Shuichi quite literally hopped out of bed and went to open his door. 

“Welcome into my tidy room, Kaede, please don’t make yourself at home,” Shuichi grumbled. 

“Whaaa? That’s totally crazy, how could I not?” Kaede asked. 

“Well I still haven’t forgiven you for hanging up on me the other day.”

“Tsk tsk,” Kaede clicked her tongue, “That simply won’t do, I was just trying to get back at you for hanging up on me the other day as well.”

Shuichi had to admit, that was true, “But I only did that because you hung up on me before I hung up on you as well.”

“Nope, wrong, you hung up on me way before that as well, revenge is sweet.”

Okay, so maybe they’ve been having a ‘who can hang up the quickest’ competition for five years, but it’s the thought that counts.

“Why are you even here?” Shuichi finally asked after a super duper intense staring competition. 

“Something along the lines of what happened that night? I never got a status update, y’know?” Kaede stood up straight and saluted playfully, “That’s very unbecomingly of you Soldier Shuichi!”

“Oh, cut it out, don’t you think there’s a reason I never told you?”

“Why absolutely, that’s why I want to know.”

“You’re such a great friend,” Shuichi said sarcastically, though it wasn't all untrue. 

“I know,” Kaede responded immediately, “Now spill.”

~

“You did…what?” Kaede repeated, trying to wrap her head around the situation. 

“I sorta...told him that I wanted to be friends….” Shuichi said guiltily, looking down, “Out of nowhere-”

“That’s literally the opposite of what I told you to do.”

“I PANICKED!!!” Shuichi cried out, trying to justify his actions. 

“Uh huh,” Kaede said, giving a comforting pat, “I can see that.” 

“I aarelkjs didnw’t k-knowa aslkfj what to dooo,” Shuichi said between sobs.

“Well, um- think of it this way. Would you rather see if he’s a fucked up asshole now, when you’re still friends, or later, if y’all date?” Kaede proposed. 

“I guess now?”

“Exactly, so I think it’s for the best. Just roll with it for now, be chill, blend into the situation. No one knows what you’re thinking except for you, so might as well trick everyone into thinking you have everything until control. And most importantly, walk like your shit don’t even stink,” Kaede said thoughtfully, and Shuichi gave a slow applause. 

“Truly tear-provoking, I can feel the emotions through the words.” 

“Oh, shut up!”

~

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**8:59 PM**

PlainJaneCosplays: I’m bored

PlainJaneCosplays: I just finished Toilet Bound Hanako-kun, both the anime and the manga, and now I have nothing to do

PlainJaneCosplays: …

PlainJaneCosplays: Does anyone want to start random debates about stuff?

KingHorse: mmmmmmmm COUNT ME IN

PianoFreak: I was in the debate club in high school, I suppose I could participate 

Atua’sVessel: I would like to spread positivity along with Atua’s word, so I will participate to make sure all will know his omniscient name!!

PlainJaneCosplays: ….okay then

AvocadoDoesMakeup: I wish to simply observe, as this seems like a recipe for chaos

CatPrisoner: I had a cat named Chaos,,,

CatPrisoner: She died

PlainJaneCosplays: That’s nice, would you like to join?

CatPrisoner: Will it cure the empty void in my soul?

PlainJaneCosplays: Not really, but it could cure your boredom

CatPrisoner: Alright then

PlainJaneCosplays: Okay, how this works is, I’ll drop an image and you’ll make opinions (factually based or not, it doesn’t matter) and debate against each other. Avoid mixing feelings into the matches and no yelling. 

PlainJaneCosplays:

KingHorse: lamp is actually super supervillain that claims kids eyeballs that way to add them to their growing collection, that kid was one of the smart ones and recorded his experience, by this we will truly all survive forever

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Straight into weird, alright

CatPrisoner: That’s actually a rare picture of me when I was younger 

Atua’sVessel: The child has merely seen a fraction of Atua’s light, he has seen beyond what the average mortal can, he has forsaken my culture, and brought onto what the world has denied!!

PianoFreak: Is he fucking the lamps bulb with his eyeballs?

AvocadoDoesMakeup: I DO NOT SEE

PianoFreak: Neither can he

PlainJaneCosplays: Huh who would’ve thought Kaede was the weirdest one

AvocadoDoesMakeup: CHANGE IT QUICKLY OH GOD

PlainJaneCosplays:

PianoFreak: Oh I’ve seen that!!

CatPrisoner: Yeah, I have nothing for this

Atua’sVessel: Nyaha, how glorious!! Atua has given us a solution for everyone!!

AvocadoDoesMakeup: …

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Visible fear-

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Kokichi’s been typing for five minutes-

CatPrisoner: Brace yourselves

KingHorse: For you see!! The above image has prime examples of homophobic tendencies, along with transphobic means. The pill suggests an out to escape the chaos of the real world, but it never truly ends there. For the power of ignorant boomers will never really stop coming, they will haunt us down every block and street. They will hurt us in a way no one else can, and they will have your head!! In this essay I will-

PlainJaneCosplays: oh my god-

AvocadoDoesMakeup: HOLY CRAP

PianoFreak: Why would we need an out to escape the world?

KingHorse: we are but mere characters in an angsty teens fanfiction, their own escape from the horribleness of the real world

PianoFreak: What

KingHorse: lmao idk

AvocadoDoesMakeup: You can’t just say “in this essay, i will-” and then not write the actual essay

KingHorse: i mean,,,,

AvocadoDoesMakeup: No, you absolute mad lad-

KingHorse: i have a basic plan, but i need a writer skilled in the makings of fanfiction

KingHorse: ....

KingHorse: I SAID-

KingHorse: oh forget it @PlainJaneCosplays

PlainJaneCosplays: huh what

KingHorse: will you join me in my quest for this essay

PlainJaneCosplays: not a fanfic writer but yeah sure whatever

AvocadoDoesMakeup: this needs to be 1000 words or more 

KingHorse: yeah yeah 

~

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**2:45 AM**

KingHorse: EUREKA WE’VE DONE IT

PlainJaneCosplays: remind me to NEVER write with that BEHEMOTH ever again!!

PlainJaneCosplays: HE BROUGHT HIS DUCK WHILE I WAS WRITING AND IT TOOK FOREVERRRRRR

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Don’t be shy, drop the link

PlainJaneCosplays: yeah okay enjoy

PlainJaneCosplays: 

Imagine a world with no light, dark and unforgiving. Cold and restless. The nightmares shake you awake from the barren ground, your demons looking back at you. But for the rest of the year. The thought of unresolved tension gripping your brain, threatening your every move, shadowing you for the rest of your life. Despair. Hope slipping from your feeble fingers. That’s what the YearQuil pill is like. Hibernation is a cowardly attempt to escape life, which is precisely why it’s a racist and homophobic thought, even borderline sexist. It locks eyes with you, fiercely engaging in combat, like a peacock fighting for dominance. Unfortunately, you are a fucking bottom, and you topple off the edge of a cliff. A branch catches you in your battle for your kingdom, you reach out to see who your savior was in your moment of crisis. It’s purple. The color of an ocean dyed like violets, lavenders mocking you in your effort to stay clean. They rain above your head, covering you head to toe in those tiny little petals, never quitting, yet always soothing. Like the rain. They roar at you from within, doubting your existence. You smile, knowing it isn’t over. And that YearQuil won’t take you without a fight. 

“Why do you hate me?” Year asked, eyes full of pain and regret. Years of regret. 

“I don’t hate you… It’s just...complicated. I’m sorry. I can’t love you anymore,” Quil replied, eyes teary, turning away and running. It was a cowardly move, but Quil had no choice. 

Year followed, eventually catching up, pulling Quil’s shirt sleeve closer, “Please! What did I do wrong? How many more times do I have to find you? How can we do this together?” 

Quil stopped, “There is…one way we can do this,” they turned around to Year, “We need to put people to sleep. That’s the only way they’ll allow it.” 

“No..” Year stood in shock, “No, we can’t do this! That goes against everything we stand for, they’ll never forgive us, and- and, we just can’t!!” 

“But we’ll be together…” Quil said quietly, voice soft and full of hope, “Please.”

Year questioned their options. What kind of person would they be if they just left it at that? What kind of person doesn’t keep their word? Where would they be now? 

“Let’s do it.” 

Three simple words that changed the outcome of the entire situation. The two embraced, becoming one within another. They finally see the truth of things. Lying gets them nowhere. They see the light now, hoping to see the holy way. 

However, the holy way was bruised with many sick twists and turns. They kick each other, scar them, and flush them down the toilet. But they still persevered together, which concludes my reasoning behind why YearQuil is actually a ship name between Year and Quil, two non-binary lovers who want to save everyone, putting them to sleep to save them from their problems. #StanYearQuil on insta, you don’t have to thank me. 

Their recent posts suggest evidence of racist acts. And others really have to theorize about whether they’re putting people to sleep to save them, or to make them forget about the riots and petitions. Some even ask if their pills actually work, or if it’s just all complete bullshit. Others suppose that we’ll just have to wait and see. No one knows at this point, does anyone even want to know? 

The disclaimer gives mere suggestions that the creators are most likely time travelers, psychic, or have amazing intuition, which no one seems to question. The small font on the bottom makes it seem like it’s there just for entertaining meme uses, but you have to wonder if it’s really just an actual warning that they don’t want you to see. 

You know what’s usually used for acts of psychic wishes? Crystal balls or prisms. Crystals in general. I can hear you wondering where I’m going with this, but honestly I don’t really care. You see, what can prisms make? Rainbows. What do rainbows stand for? The gays. 

Therefore, as you can see, clear as day, these people are manipulating or forcing the gays to predict the future with our powers of witchcraft and sorcery. I knew this was going to be an issue one day, but apparently the day has already come. Wield your swords, and stand your ground. Carry your weapons into battle, for YearQuil creators are homophobic. 

Their so-called capsules are even transparent, suspiciously like prisms. It’s a sickening theory, but they might be using our lgbtq comrades as them. 

However, that stands to beg, who is YearQuil mastermind? As shown in my previous flashback, there is a bigger force coming. A stronger force, some might even say the mastermind. For you see!! YearQuil themselves did nothing wrong, but they were being controlled by the mastermind. The mastermind is truly the one that is racist, homophobic, maybe even ableist. 

But who, you ask, who!?! Who stands powerful enough to rule over us?? Well, the answer to that is-

Wait, shit! No, I’m not done yet!! You can’t show another flashback now!! Why now?? No-!

“Hehe,” Year giggled, rolling in the fields, “Your hair looks weird!!”

“Says you,” Quil grumbled, but then softly smiled seeing their significant other in the lavender field, “Hey, get up for a second.”

“What?” Year asked, getting up from the ground. 

“This,” Quil replied, placing a small flower crown on Year’s blond hair, blushing. 

“W-wha-?” 

“You look nice.” 

“Ha...that’s kind of gay.”

“Year. We’re non-binary.”

“Yeah, I know,” Year sighed, shooting the brightest puppy dog eyes Quil has ever seen in their life, “I just wanted to say that…”

“You’re such a dork.”

“Oh, shut up!!”

They tackled each other, trying to fight the other’s flower crown off, but eventually just settling in a hug. Quil looked up at the sky, it’s dark now. The stars have started to come out, and the leaves are a new shade of dark green at night. They twinkled for a while, and Quil let out a breath that they didn’t know they were holding.

“Hm?” Year asked, shifting to look at their face, “What’s wrong?” 

“I wish we could run away,” Quil murmured, just contemplating the idea for a bit, they heard Year’s breath hitch. 

“You know they would never allow that.”

“Come on, can’t we just try?”

“No, shut up!! Speak quieter, they’ll hear you!!”

“Please.”

“I already sacrificed so much to be here!! This was your idea in the first place, I can’t believe how hypocritical you’re being!!” 

“I’ll cover for you!! Please, even if it’s just you leaving, and me staying behind, I still want you to leave! I can’t stand the thought of you going through this torture anymore!! I know how much this is hurting you inside. Just please… leave for both of us.” 

Year stood shocked, they had no idea Quil felt this way, just how long were they keeping this suppressed? 

“Quil, I-” Year started, before being interrupted. 

“Greetings fellow heterosexual soldiers!!” someone screamed, announcing their arrival. 

Year instinctively shoved Quil off them, and turned to see who it was, “Wait… It’s the orange burnt dorito chip!!”

And it was indeed a burnt dorito chip. But it was also a way too puffed cheeto. A pufferfish on botox. The antagonist of this story. The creator of YearQuil. The true mastermind. They single-handedly destroyed nations upon nations of gays. Inspiring society conformers everywhere, we have-

“Rude!! I have a name!!” they said, fixing their obviously not fake hair, “It is I! Donald Trump!!” 

“Ahem, we know who you are… sir… who are you talking to?” Quil cleared their throat, “Also, um- what are you here for?” 

“I’m here to ask how your mission is going,” Trump said, before immediately glaring, “You’re not thinking of running away, are you?” 

Year elbowed Quil, who gulped before responding, “Not at all, sir! We were just taking a small break before going to take more people. We’ve done as you asked and taken care of people who aren’t white, lgbtq people, and disabled people. We’re going for females next.” 

Oh right, he’s also sexist. 

“Wonderful!! But don’t get rid of all of them. We need to keep a few of them to do the housework and cooking, hah!! You can keep Yularia if you want,” Trump said, before lowering his voice to a whisper, “I think she kind of likes you.”

Year cringed at the mention of their deadname, and Quil instinctively put up an arm to shield them, “ _Their_ name is Year.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Trump yawned, checking his apple watch, turning up the volume on his airpods, “Oh! My wig- I mean, hairstylist is asking for me. Toodles!!” 

“Phew!” Year let out a breath, “Thank god that’s over. But, you! Quil!! You have to be more careful next time!!” 

“If there even is a next time…” Quil muttered. 

“You’re still on about that? Come on, forget about it! At least he said I could stay!!” 

“I. Am. Serious. Don’t you want to leave as well? Run away from all of this? Aren’t you sick and tired of it?” 

Year looked Quil straight in the eye, “Well of course I am!! I do want to go apeshit!! But you know what? That’s a cowards path. I’m sticking to this until the end, and making sure that when I leave, it won’t just be because I’m running away, but it’ll be because I ended it. What happens when we leave? Trump won’t care!! He’ll just hire more!! And then what? We become the hunted. And that’s when we really lose.” 

“Oh,” was all Quil could muster staring at a teary-eyed Year, “So I guess you’ve been thinking about it too.” 

“Well duh!!” Year scoffed, “What do you take me for? I’ve obviously been thinking about it more than you. This is why I have the brain cell.”

“Pft-” Quil softly laughed, “No, you don’t. Who was it that asked ‘Why doesn’t it take 18 months for twins to be born?’ the other day?” 

“Ok, no, you have no room to talk Mx. ‘What’s Obama’s last name?’.” 

“Ok, fine, we’re both dumb!!” 

Year laughed, and Quil felt like a thousand clouds floating across a lake. Peaceful, serene, a beautiful chance for photography and art, but only they know that. 

“Hey,” Quil said, poking Year’s cheek, they hummed in response, “I love you.” 

… 

“I know,” Year giggled, “I love you too.” 

Well that was a truly saddening flashback, honestly one of the worst I’ve had to go through. The mastermind is actually just a spicy cherry jolly rancher!! Who knew? 

What a surprise, that’s one of the best plot twists of the century!! I will bow for that one, it was a masterpiece, you don’t have to thank me, I already know. 

Oh, you’re wondering about the cute couple?

Hm, should I really tell you that? 

Hmmmmmmm. I suppose so. 

They’re still working for the very bad people (there’s no way in hell I’m listing out every horrible description again), waiting for their chance to escape. 

Oh, how to save them? 

Y’know, I’m not really sure!! Whoopsies, hehe. 

I’ll think of something, I’m sure of it. 

In fact, I promise!! 100% not lying, I’ll give you that much. 

Now let’s do some hardcore thinking to get those brain juices running. 

Hm. Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Real nice, mhm. 

Wait, what? There’s another one? Oh, really! When? Wha-? Right now? Brother, I’m not even done with my makeup!! I- Makeup doesn’t have a gender, ya imbecile!! This one’s short? Oh, it’s starting-

“Hey. Hey. Heyyyy. Wake up!!” Year shouted, ruffling Quil's fluffy violet hair. 

“What?” Quil yawned. 

“Did you know? They’re getting quite desperate!! I was told that we’re getting the first straight white male today.”

“Wait- really? That’s a step forward, did they specify why?”

“Nope!” Year cheered, “The guy’s actually super healthy too, it’s pretty weird. He’s the epitome of cishet default characters everywhere!! This is the revolution, hah!!” 

“When are we leaving?” 

“Right now!!” Year said cheerfully, handing the container to Quil. 

“Right, um, before we go. I have something to ask,” Quil gulped, “No matter whatever happens, do you promise to never leave me? Don’t leave me alone.” 

“That’s all?” Year asked before slightly giggling, “I thought it was going to be more serious than that.” 

“This is serious!!” 

“Alright, alright. I promise!!” 

Quil exhaled, and Year watched them intently.

“So?” Year asked, “What about me? Do you promise to never leave me then?” 

Quil smiled, a genuine smile, “Promise.”

…

So.

You’re still here? I suppose you want to know the solution?

Oh, wait, you’re wondering if they’re alive?

That’s a secret for now, teehee. 

You grasp onto the branch above you, still violet and bright. It gleams at you, and it helps you move on. The sunrise flashes at you, petals floating in the wind. They slowly drift down around you, their descent looking like a thousand mini butterflies landing at your feet. They all look alike, except for the one in front of you. It glimmers unlike the rest. You pick it up, only to find a delicate message carved in it. 

“I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait forever if I have to. I’ll wait a thousand moons, a million rainy nights, and a billion lonely days, for only a chance to see you again. You say goodbye, but I say see you later. No, see you soon, my love.”

AvocadoDoesMakeup: WHAT. THE. HELL. 

AvocadoDoesMakeup: HOW THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL FOR PILLS

AvocadoDoesMakeup: OH MY GOD THESE ARE PILLS

AvocadoDoesMakeup: i can’t believe you’ve done this

PlainJaneCosplays: as you can clearly tell by the characterization of the narrator, this was not my work

CatPrisoner: How dare you make me search up #StanYearQuil on insta only to come up empty handed, this is dirty, even for you

KingHorse: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA AND NOW MY JOB IS COMPLETE

GorgeousGirlGenius: 0/10 they didn’t fuck

KingHorse: oh shut the hell up miu

PianoFreak: Well this is depressing

PianoFreak: Why did I think this was actually going to be a normal essay, I read the first paragraph and was like “oh what nice writing” then immediately realized a few seconds later that this was going to be fanfiction

PianoFreak: And why did it have to be angst?

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Better question: why was trump there?

KingHorse: trump is everywhere, trump is everyone

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Good point

PianoFreak: Well this cursed my brain cells, good night everyone

AvocadoDoesMakeup: wDyM cUrSeD now i’m gonna be depresso all night 

CatPrisoner: Mood

BONUS: 

AnxietyHolmes: I-

AnxietyHolmes: Do I even want to ask?

PianoFreak: If you don’t want to sleep tonight, go ahead

AnxietyHolmes: Just finished and i-

AnxietyHolmes: No one's going to comment about how the essay called everyone here a bottom? alright then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this actually happened. 
> 
> I was the one that wrote the "essay". No, I didn't have help. No, I don't regret it. One of my friends actually started crying. Yes, it took about five hours. No, this totally isn't a self-insert ahahaha. I included it bc "damn if i'm going to spend more than an hour on this, might as well use it for my fanfic as well".
> 
> Shout-out to yuhudis for beta-ing my work now!! You actually helped a lot with the image placement, so thank you! They have an art account on insta with a lot of v3 art! Her art is so pretty, so go check it out! 
> 
> Also! I have a twitter now! If you want to help my indecisive ass decide stuff in my fanfic, go follow me at @celia_xan on twitter! (Yes, this is a self promo, got a problem with that?)  
> I will also be giving chapter updates, chapter sneak-peaks, and random shitposts on there! Or if you just want to talk, that's cool too!
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated! Have a great day everyone!
> 
> EDIT: #stanyearquil is now an official tag on insta, yes this is happening, no you can't stop me


	11. Kirumi's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: "Kirumi's birthday gets out of hand but only the best for mom"
> 
> HI IM ALIVE AND WELL THANK YOU
> 
> Quick notes: I changed Kork's channel name to KorkTalks (def not to reference TED Talks uhhh) 
> 
> also this was meant to be like about 1000-2000 words, but then the chaos took over my body and suddenly i was possessed by an unknown force and wrote too much ahahahaha  
> enjoy :)

May 10th, Sunday, 20XX

The day had started out calm and peaceful. Not a single mess in sight. Chaos? None. Trouble? Zero. Truly, life was good. However, all good things must come to an end, and Shuichi’s came at the crack of 9 AM. 

**[Satan is my hoe, gaying is my game]**

**9:04 AM**

GorgeousGirlGenius: wHAT IS UP EVERYONE, it’s sUCH A GREAT DAY OUTSIDE AND WE HAVE NOTHING GOING ON SO WHY DON’T WE HAVE A PICNIC OR SOMTHIN

KingHorse: ...we have nothing going on?

GorgeousGirlGenius: Yeah, the filming ended yesterday and we’re all kinda free today so why not?

KingHorse: i-

KingHorse: i don’t think that’s quite a good idea

GorgeousGirlGenius: You not thinking potential chaos is a good idea? Who are you and what have you done to Kokichi?

KingHorse: no, it’s just that others might be busy today!!

AnxietyHolmes: ...i’m not busy

PianoFreak: I’m not busy either!!

BugBoi: Gonta is not busy!

LuminaryoftheStars: I AM NOT BUSY!!!

CatPrisoner: I’m pretty free myself too

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Uhhhh me too

KorkTalks: I believe myself to be quite free today.

HowToKirumi: I don’t believe I have anything going on today.

KingHorse: ….

KingHorse: jesus christ

**KingHorse has removed HowToKirumi from the chat**

AvocadoDoesMakeup: What

CatPrisoner: You, sir, are a dead man

LuminaryoftheStars: YO WHY DID YOU DO THAT 

GorgeousGirlGenius: YEAH WHY’D YOU DO THAT HUH??

KingHorse: you IDIOTS, it’s kirumi’s BIRTHDAY TODAY

KingHorse: i am working with BUFFOONS 

KingHorse: ABSOLUTE DUMBASSES

KingHorse: you’re all going to choke on string and die

GorgeousGirlGenius: …..wait, it’s kirumom’s bday today??

KingHorse: YEAH YOU BUTT HEAD YOU’VE KNOWN MOM SINCE LIKE 

KingHorse: idk uh junior year?

GorgeousGirlGenius: sophomore year

KingHorse: THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY BETTER

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Wait, is it really? Damn, now I feel really bad?

AnxietyHolmes: If that’s true, doesn’t that imply Kirumi forgot about it herself?

KingHorse: OF COURSE SHE DIDNT FORGET, SHE HAS A GREAT MEMORY

KingHorse: i bet she just thinks she doesn’t deserve a celebration or anything and would rather “serve us with our every needs” than take time for herself

KingHorse: WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY FOR HER

KingHorse: YALL IN???

PianoFreak: Absolutely!! There’s no way I’d miss out on a new friend’s birthday!!

GorgeousGirlGenius: Count me in then too, I feel bad for forgetting

AvocadoDoesMakeup: ^^ same here

CatPrisoner: Yeah, I suppose I can help, there’s not much I can do though

Atua’sVessel: I will lend a hand and give you Atua’s blessings and power!!

AnxietyHolmes: I’m here too

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Kiyo’s here with me and he says he’s in too btw

Assassin: Yes

LuminaryoftheStars: HELL YEAHH LETS DO THIS

BugBoi: Gonta will help like gentleman

PlainJaneCosplays: I guess I could be plain helpful and join in

DefenseFromDegenerateMales: HIMIKO AND TENKO ARE INNNN

K1-B0: Ahaha this will make great content, do you mind if I film it?

KingHorse: not at all

KingHorse: now, i already have a brief plan in motion

KingHorse: MIU KAEDE AND GONTA, you three are Team 1, aka the Eagles, and you will have the task of distracting Kirumi. you aren’t allowed to give her any busy work, so just follow her around and make sure she doesn’t go to the backyard. bonus points if you find out what she wants for her present

KingHorse: MAKI RANTARO KAITO AND KORK, you four will be Team 2, aka the Bears, and you are in charge of the shopping. we need exactly 98.1 feet of black streamers, and 50.7 feet of that color of her hair streamers. you know the color. it’s hard to describe, but you know. THEN we need exactly 37 black balloons, 25 dark green balloons, and 13 white ones. lots of confetti, just really go ham. preferably get a banner that says happy birthday or some crap idk. AND OBVIOUSLY PARTY HATS THOSE ARE ESSENTIAL. for the food: i’ll dm you the details for the cake, but as for the catering, check cheesecake factory or something, and you ABSOLUTELY NEED CHICKEN NUGGETS

KingHorse: TENKO HIMIKO ANGIE SHUICHI, you four will be Team 3, aka the Ducks, in charge of putting up the decorations. we will be using the backyard pond area near the cherry blossom trees and koi pond with the greenhouse and everything. that’d be nice. THERE WILL BE A STRICT BUY STUFF AND THEN SEND TO THE HOUSE TO PUT UP THE DECORATION BETWEEN THE BEARS AND THE DUCKS. after the Bears buy the decor, they will directly run it to the house so the Ducks can start putting it up

KingHorse: SMOOTHIE HEAD RYOMA AND ME, we will be Team 4, aka the Horses bc you’re my team. we will be planning what actually happens during this surprise party, bc that’s the only part i haven’t thought out yet. WAIT WE NEED A PINATA TAKE NOTES BEARS, YALL ARE GETTING A PINATA. that’s it

AvocadoDoesMakeup: Holy shit you’ve thought about this a lot

KingHorse: well duh

KingHorse: NOW CMON PLACES PEOPLE WE DONT HAVE ALL DAY

GorgeousGirlGenius: Those team names are lame af, can we ditch them

KingHorse: WE DONT HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT TEAM NAMES

PianoFreak: Oh, what about instead of just the Eagles, we’re the Pink Eagles, bc ⅔ of us have pink in our clothing schemes!!

KingHorse: WE REALLY DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS

PianoFreak: Wait wait, you know what’d be cuter? The name ⅔ Pink Eagles. Yes, let’s go with that

KingHorse: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMOKFINE

AvocadoDoesMakeup: What Kaede and probably everyone means to say is: we’re in

KingHorse: perfect, let the party-preparing commence

~

“King Horse to the Eagles, how are you doing?” Kokichi’s voice blared out on the discord call, “Any progress?” 

“I’m sorry, the Eagles? Who’re they?” Kaede responded snarkily, “Hmm, doesn’t ring a bell.” 

“You snobby bitch, ughhhh,” Kokichi groaned, “Okay, the  _ ⅔ Pink Eagles _ , is there any progress?” 

“Well, depends on what you call progress.”

“What do you mean?” 

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN FOUND THAT MAID HOE YET,” Miu yelled out, and Kaede sighed. 

“Well, I mean, we already searched half of the house, meaning that there’s only a limited amount of space she could be, right?” Kaede reasoned optimistically. 

“Wait, you mean to tell me that you  _ haven’t even found Kirumi yet? _ ” Kokichi asked, disappointed. 

“Well-” Kaede started before being interrupted. 

“IT’S BEEN AN HOUR AND A HALF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” Kokichi screamed, and through the phone, Kaede heard someone smack him.

“Hey, they’re just trying their best, don’t be plain hard on them!” Tsumugi lectured, then turned over to the phone, “Have you tried calling her?” 

“Yeah, she isn’t picking up,” Kaede replied.

“Well keep trying, she can’t hide forever!!” Tsumugi cheered. 

“Thanks!” 

“One last thing, one last thing!!” Kokichi said, trying to get back into the conversation, “Don’t let her know that you know it’s her birthday. It’ll ruin the whole surprise bit.”

“Yeah yeah, alright. Just leave it all to me!” Kaede said before leaving the call, turning over to Miu, “What the heck are we going to do?” 

“I mean, I dunno,” Miu replied and muttered, “If I was a maid, where would I be….” 

Gonta gasped. 

“What is it, Gonta?” Kaede asked. 

“Gonta found dirt smudge!” Gonta reported.

“Huh? Why’s that so weird that you had to report it?” Miu questioned before gasping, “O-oh, don’t tell me that- that isn’t really a dirty smudge? How  _ exciting!”  _

“Down girl,” Kaede said, sighing, “But yes, Gonta, why did you report that?” 

“Gonta don’t see dirt a lot, so Gonta thought-” 

“Just for that? Geez, we need a  _ real _ lead!” Miu raged, but Kaede stopped her. 

“Wait, Gonta might be onto something, when was the last time you saw a dirt smudge in this house? Or any sort of dust or mud?” Kaede asked partially no one in the room, “Never, right? That’s because Kirumi usually wakes up early in the morning to clean.” 

“That means…” Miu said, catching on, “Kirumi hasn’t been here yet.” 

“Bingo! Which means we’re looking the wrong way. C’mon, let’s go check the spa area next,” Kaede says, dragging Miu and Gonta’s hand. 

“Right behind you!” Miu enthusiastically replied, Gonta humming in agreement. 

~

“King Horse to the Bears. Updates? Over,” Kokichi said into the phone. Kaito was about to respond before Maki ripped it away from him. 

“Stop talking like we’re on damn walkie-talkies. This is a  _ discord call. _ ” Maki said, rolling her eyes. 

“I know!!” Kokichi said, “I’ve always wanted to say that like it’s all important and stuff. Like an incognito spy in charge of saving the world… Over.”

“God, stop,” Maki said, looking over the shopping list, “And that team name? Horrendous.” 

“Listen Maki-Maki, I can’t be original all the time. That would be wayyy too unpredictable, which would cancel it out, making me predictable, because people will predict that I’m going to be unpredictable and that’s just not my style,” Kokichi said, every word getting faster and faster. 

“Whatever,” Maki said, grimacing at the list, “Where the hell are we supposed to find a fog machine??” 

“I don’t know,” Kokichi said, a long slurp of some sort of drink followed, “I believe in you, you can figure it out.” 

Maki sighed, “Okay, but-”

“Nishishi, but that was just a lie!!” Kokichi said, cutting her off. 

Maki growled, about to hang up. 

“Okay, okay, wait!! Check Spirit Halloween, Shuichi is calling, I’ll check in later!” Kokichi said before hanging up. The audacity. Maki couldn’t believe it. 

“So?” Kaito asked expectantly.

“Start the car, we’re going to Spirit Halloween, I guess.” 

“Ooh!!” Rantaro gasped, “I love Spirit Halloween, but aren’t they closed in May?” 

Maki scowled, “That little bastard-” 

“Hey, hey, let’s calm down,” Rantaro gave it some thought, “Target, let’s go to Target.”

“Wonderful idea, Rantaro,” Korekiyo approved, “I simply love Target, their little items of merchandise are very amusing.” 

“Right then!!” Kaito said, starting the car, “Field trip time.” 

The gang soon arrived at the largest Target they could find in the area. 

“There’s something that’s been bugging me for a while,” Maki said, anxiously, “Who’s going to pay for the items? Kokichi is demanding a lot, and while I am financially stable, I’m not sure how much this will all end up costing.”

Rantaro sighed, “Don’t you see why he placed me in this group?”

Oh.  _ Oh.  _

Rantaro saw Maki’s face somewhat twist into an expression of anger, and waved it off, “No, it’s fine, I don’t mind spending some money for a friend.”

“If you say so…” Maki said, her hands anxiously twisting her hair. 

“Now,” Rantaro said, slamming his hands lightly onto the shopping cart, and taking out his own copy of the entire shopping list, “Let’s raid Target.”

~

The phone rang once, but to Shuichi, it could’ve been one hundred times, because in that second, chaos had come to reign over the once peaceful koi pond. 

“Mmh, hello, Ducks?” Kokichi’s voice came through the speaker, a heavenly voice that has come to save Shuichi in his perspective.

“I need help in the garden,” was all Shuichi could muster out, and then he heard a bunch of slams. 

“Everyone! Shuichi needs help in the garden, expect the worst!! Let’s hurry,” and then, “Shit, I wasn’t muted. I mean, uh- we’re on the way.” 

Then Kokichi left the discord call. 

Shuichi broke down on the fine, hand-crafted Sandalwood bench. 

He honestly had no idea what led to this moment. On one hand, his job was probably one of the easiest. Team 2 hadn’t even delivered the decorations to them yet, meaning they had a bit of free time. Now what did Shuichi do about this said “free time”? Well, he would have raided Hot Topic, but Kokichi forbade them from leaving the house. So Angie proposed they fish from the koi pond, which Shuichi was  _ sure _ wasn’t allowed, but who was he to deny it? And after scavenging the house, they all found a few cute fishing rods. 

Shuichi had to eventually call Rantaro to ask for permission, and his only response was “yeah sure lol, just throw them back in when you’re done” which wasn’t very comforting either. 

And so Angie, Himiko, and Shuichi threw back their fishing rods and started to fish. Meanwhile, Tenko was picking small wildflowers on the outskirts of the fence. Shuichi enjoyed the first four minutes that were quite peaceful. Despite that, once Angie and Himiko started to get a little competitive, Shuichi quickly became overwhelmed. 

One look at the small girl Himiko, one would assume she lacked any sort of competitive energy, but she was quickly getting into the spirit and told Tenko (who quickly dropped her flower crown once she heard Himiko call) to help her trap the fish.

And Angie, who totally didn’t run a cult, was just as competitive, laughing maniacally and praying to her god every time she fished.

It didn’t take long for chaos to break out. 

Soon, there were accusations of fish stealing and fake fishing rods. 

And oh, the fish just kept on coming. Shuichi really had no idea how many koi fish there were in the pond, and maybe Rantaro just had a cloning machine that replaced one when the other was removed. Soon, however, the mountains of fish had grown twice Shuichi’s height and weight, and it showed no sign of stopping. 

_ Am I slowly losing my mind and descending into madness? Yes. Am I going to do anything about that though? No.  _

Kokichi and Tsumugi quickly rushed to the crime scene to see Shuichi, the unqualified referee, counting the seventh stack of fish. His eyes scream  _ help me _ . 

“What is that plain awful smell, and- oh- it’s fish?” Tsumugi commented, “Why are there so many??” 

“God knows,” Kokichi muttered, “Alright, how about we throw the fish back in? That’s enough of that.”

“No!” Himiko and Angie screamed at the same time, still full of energy. 

“Ninety-one...ninety-two….ninety-three,” Shuichi counted in the background, already having to start over twice because he lost count. 

“C’mon Ducks, the Bears are going to be back at any moment with the supplies and y’all need to be on it!! You gotta get your head in the game, getcha getcha head in the game,” Kokichi snapped, “Places, people!” 

“Yo, where do you want these- fish?!” Kaito shrieked upon seeing all the fish.

“Oh!” Rantaro clapped, “I’m so glad the fish dispenser is working!!” 

“The what?” Shuichi asked, stressed. 

“It’s just so much work to automatically replace the fish every time they die, so I have underwater sensors to sense when one is missing and/or dead so that they’d be automatically replaced,” Rantaro smiled nervously, “Like a machine at the mall that you can use a quarter that you can use to get gum or something at the mall.”

“Don’t give me that shit!” Kokichi said, “You probably don’t even know what a quarter is.”

“You’re right,” Rantaro admitted, disappointed, “Kiyo gave me that analogy….and it’s a damn good analogy.”

Maki sighed, “Where do you want this stuff? We got some of the decorations, we just have to go back for more,” Maki turned to glare at Kokichi, “He wanted something called a ‘wacky waving inflatable tube man’.”

“Have you seen them though? Coolest thing ever!!” Kokichi said excitedly. 

“Yeah. So cool that we had to check in on three different stores. Now, hurry up and take these so we can leave,” Maki said, annoyed. 

The four of them set down some decorations and Kokichi looked back to the girls that were still fishing. 

“Guess we’re going to have to do this by force,” he said, cracking his knuckles. 

“Oh, shut up, that doesn’t make you seem as cool as you want to be,” Tsumugi judged. 

“Get out.”

~

“Kirumi?” Kaede called out, following a trail of exceptionally clean tiles. 

“Yes, Kaede. Is something wrong?” Kirumi responded. 

“Oh! Nothing, we just- um-” 

“We?” 

“She means  _ me!” _ Miu entered dramatically, “Oh, and Gonta, I guess.”

“Gonta saw butterfly!” Gonta shared enthusiastically. 

“Would you like to spend some time with us today?” Kaede tried to ask casually, “It’s just- I feel as if we haven’t gotten to really know each other yet and-”

Kirumi smiled bittersweetly, “Thank you for the invitation, but I’m afraid I must decline. This is about my birthday today, isn’t it? I believe Kokichi told you thinking I forgot, but I haven’t. I thank you for trying to help me, but this is something I must spend by myself.”

“Eep!” Miu squealed, “B-birthday? It’s your birthday today? Ha, w-we had no idea!” 

“Please save it, dear,” Kirumi said, “You’re a horrendous liar.”

_ Forgive me, Kokichi, for what I’m about to do.  _

“Alright!” Kaede took initiative, “This  _ is _ about your birthday, but please! No one should have to spend this day by themselves, and I’d rather you spend it with us. We’ll celebrate with you. Just for a bit, maybe we could help Gonta with that butterfly he found earlier.”

Kirumi stayed silent for a long time, then sighed, “I suppose then, if that is your request-”

“No, I don’t want you to spend time with us as our maid,” Kaede said passionately, “We want you as our friend.”

_ Gah, I’ve really done it now-! _

A bit of silence passed, before Kirumi looked up into Kaede’s eyes. 

“Alright,” Kirumi nodded, “I’ll join you. As your friend.”

Kaede beamed. 

“Great, wonderful, lovely. Just please don’t recreate that friend shit Shuichi and Kokichi did the other day,” Miu said, ruining the moment. 

“We won’t,” Kaede promised, taking Kirumi’s hand and dragging her along, “Now come on, we have a butterfly to catch.”

~

Maki had done a lot of ridiculous and stupid things in her life. 

But renting a wacky waving inflatable tube man was definitely up on that list. 

“Yeah, I think they wanted it like- at least 17 feet tall,” Kaito said, giving the order to the employee, “Yes, I want the polka dots, who do you think I am?”

“Ask them if they have the ones with the sparkles and metallic hands,” Rantaro requested, “You know? With the streamers?” 

Maki couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

“BRO! The black one with the dark green tint looks epic!” Kaito said, taking a look at their previews. 

“Gray with dark green camouflage is better, don’t even start with me,” Rantaro said, standing up now, “I will NOT hesitate to throw hands!”

Maki doesn’t know if this was a fever dream or not. 

“Kehehe, that’s enough now you two,” Korekiyo said, Maki sighed with relief, at least there’s someone here with common sense, “Kokichi wanted four in total, so let’s just get two of both.”

Maki slammed her head onto the table. 

“Woah! Maki, are you okay?” Kaito asked. 

“Yeah, no, I don’t know,” she said, standing up, “I’m gonna go outside for a bit.”

“Alright, don’t get lost!” Kaito half-joked. 

Maki walked outside the rental that was, very ironically, a huge bouncy castle. How she wished she had a pin. 

It was then that the iconic discord ringtone filled the air, Maki breathed in and out twice before answering. 

“Bears!” Kokichi called out, voice echoing throughout the empty parking lot, “How ya doing with that wacky waving inflatable tube man order?”

“Just call it a tube man,” Maki said, annoyed. 

“No~” Kokichi replied, “Now answer the question.”

“I don’t want to see with my eyes ever again. Why did you have to choose the most hideous colors in existence?” Maki commented sharply. 

“Silly Maki! What would you see with other than your eyes? Would you use your feet to see? No, that’d be ridiculous, don’t humor me any further,” Kokichi said, “But really, did y’all get it or what?” 

“Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that about me and my wacky waving inflatable tube man!! They were there for me when no one else was! The true homies, you can’t do them like that,” Kokichi fought back, “By the way, there’s something I should mention about the cake-”

“Just text it towards me,” Maki said, hanging up.

She sighed as she saw three idiots cheering seeing their rented tube man 

~

It turned out that Angie was a bit of a control freak. 

“No, Shuichi, those streamers are absolutely  _ not  _ in the right position, I said exactly 16 centimeters to the right and 13.2 centimeters down with a 9 centimeter radius for the loop. It’s not that hard, please get it right for it is Atua’s will and the party will be doomed without it!” Angie ordered, tapping her pencil on a clipboard that only Atua knows where she got. 

“Angie!!” Himiko shouted, “Do we have to keep blowing balloons? There’s six hundred packages. Nyeh… Maki n’ the others are almost back with the helium tank, I don’t understand why we have to keep going.”

“Tsk tsk,” Angie clicked her tongue, “Every second spent talking is one second spent not blowing up balloons, which is also one second you are wasting not working towards our goal!! Don’t you want to see the look at Kirumi’s face once she sees how  _ glorious _ this party is?”

“Well...yes,” Himiko said, between breaths, “But-”

“No! Atua says we will continue working towards our goal!!” 

“I think we at least deserve a break,” Tenko argued, obviously on Himiko’s side. 

“I mean, I could go for another coffee,” Shuichi muttered, supporting the idea of a break. 

“Yeah, I’m going to have to go with a big fat no on that one,” Tenko said, “Kaede made me promise to not let you indulge in your coffee addiction any further. Drink water like the rest of us functioning adults.”

“This is homophobic…” Shuichi sighed. 

“He says to the two lesbians,” Himiko said back, rolling her eyes. 

“I hear talking and not a lot of working, chop chop people, balloons don’t blow themselves!” Angie said, clapping like an aggravated middle school teacher trying to round-up a classroom of horny pre-teens. 

“Seriously, how about a little break?” Tenko asked again. 

Angie sighed in defeat, “Five minutes!” 

“Nyeh, finally…” Himiko said. 

Shuichi happily walked back into the kitchen for a small snack, glad to finally set down that heavy roll of streamers. And while Angie’s dictatorship was tiresome, the results were amazing. They were glad that most of the hard work was done. 

That was, until Kaito pulled up in a truck full of four decked out wacky waving inflatable tube men (and the helium tank). 

“Where do you want these?” Kaito asked. 

Shuichi almost passed out. 

~

It had been a while since they had caught the butterfly Gonta was fascinated with, and now Kaede was happily doing Kirumi’s nails, Miu waiting impatiently on the side. 

“Say, for a pianist with short nails, you have quite the talent for nail art,” Kirumi complimented while admiring her now black nails with green detailing. 

“Oh, trust me, I wouldn’t know how to do any of this stuff on myself. My mom runs the best nail salon in the country. After a while, you start to pick up a few things. You should see Rantaro’s nail art skills though, they’re amazing. He did mine the other day,” Kaede said, finishing up, “And done!” 

“Thank you, they’re gorgeous dear.”

“Oh my god, finally! My turn!” Miu groaned dramatically, sitting down while Kaede began on her nails. 

Five minutes hadn’t even passed before Miu cleared her throat,  _ loudly _ . 

“Ah,” Kirumi noticed, “Do you need water?”

“No! Nonononono, NO! No. Ha, no thank you, Kirumi, I’m good, but uh- I feel like Kaede here has forgotten a little something-” Miu said, nudging Kaede’s arm a little. 

Kaede looked at Miu incredulously, did she forget something? No…. unless-

“Ah, you’re right!” Kaede exclaimed, “I totally forgot the nail filer process, so sorry Miu, we can restart if you-”

“No, that’s not what I meant!” Miu shouted before muttering, “God, for someone with such hot looks, you sure are a few condoms short of a d-”

“What was that Miu?” Kaede said, confused.

“Nothing! Nothing-er, yeah,” Miu said, growing quiet, “By the way, this may be a bit late, but thank you so much, Kirumom, for the  _ present _ you gave me last year.”

Kaede paused. 

“I’m so glad you like it, I didn’t know what to get for you that wasn’t extremely…” Kirumi paused, thinking, before continuing, “...vulgar. I’m so glad I found the right gift at last.”

“Yes, yes,” Miu said, talking with weird tones, “The inventor gloves you got me were great, my old ones kept getting burned up, so I’m amazed you found fire-proof ones. You always know just the right  _ gifts _ to give someone. I would be jealous of anyone who had you picking their  _ presents _ , right, Kaede?” 

Sarcasm laced her voice, along with strained bits of sound. Kaede finally understood. 

“Right! Right, Kirumi?” Kirumi hummed in response, Kaede paused to think how she could word this as inconspicuously as possible, “Very hypothetical question, if you were to give someone that...looks and…. talks and... acts a lot like you a thoughtful gift, where would you start?”

Miu face palmed. 

Kirumi looked like she was about to catch on the very flimsy question, but she still responded seriously, “Well… if I was to give this ‘hypothetical’ person who is exactly like me a present, I believe I would start with something simple. It’s the thought that counts after all, so I would appreciate something as small as even a feather duster. I hope that answers your question.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet!” Kaede smiled, Miu mimicked her. 

And ever so quickly did Kaede’s fingers type as she sent the response to Kokichi. 

~

A wedding cake. Kokichi asked for a wedding cake. 

“Really? A full on wedding cake?” Rantaro asked, just to confirm. 

“That’s what the text said,” Kaito said, shrugging, showing everyone his phone that did, indeed, say that Kokichi wanted a three tier wedding cake. 

Maki believed he was out of his mind. 

“Woah, he wants it from a specific  _ place _ too?” Rantaro said, reading more into the very detailed instructions. 

“Well, buckle up,” Kaito said, starting the car, “Put the address into the GPS, let’s get going.”

“Kehehe,” Korekiyo laughed, “This will certainly prove to be interesting.”

Maki hoped he meant the good type of interesting. 

Once they had arrived, they realized that this wasn’t just some ordinary wedding cake shop. Well, for whatever normal meant for a cake shop. The first indicator of this was that there was a gate. With soldiers. That held guns. 

“America at its finest,” Rantaro muttered. 

“Stop right there!” One soldier yelled, “What business have you with the Cake Lord?” 

“Cake Lord, I’m-” Rantaro whispered, wheezing. 

“We’ve come for a wedding cake because a certain uh- someone said that’s what you do here,” Kaito replied. 

“Name?” they asked. 

“Kaito Momota, Luminary of the stars!”

“Entrance denied! Appointment only!” the soldier continued yelling. Maki wondered if his voice ever got hoarse. 

“Oh, settle down, settle down. Geez,” a new voice appeared, “They’re free to come in. After all, their leader already gave me a head up!” 

“In what world does Kokichi have any authority over me?” Maki asked threateningly. 

“Oho, the boy warned me about you, you’re a feisty one aren’t you?” the person, now seen to be wearing downright atrocious icing piper earrings. Maki decides having eyes isn’t an option anymore. 

“By the way,” Rantaro whispered to the rest of the group on the way into the ‘cake shop’ that honestly looked more like a palace, “There’s something else in the long list of instructions that Kokichi sent that might be a bit of a problem. He said that this person only makes wedding cakes for engaged couples that are happily in love. Something about integrity…”

“How are we going to pull that off?” Kaito whisper-asked.

“That’s where me and Kiyo come in, I already asked him, and he said it was alright if we played the engaged couple. I’m always wearing a few rings, so we can use two of them. We just have to put them on through the whole thing,” Rantaro explained, taking the rings out of his pocket to show Maki and Kaito, “Just telling y’all so you won’t be confused later.”

“Ohhh, gotcha!” Kaito said, Maki was surprised he didn’t comment on the accidental homosexuality. 

“Alright, excuse me,” Rantaro said before clearing his throat and clasped onto Korekiyo’s arm, “Oh goodness, it sure is a bit dry in here. Babe, could you pass me that water bottle.” 

Korekiyo reached into his bag and brought a water bottle, “Here you go, darling. Wouldn’t want you to be dehydrated.”

“You’re always so sweet to me,” Rantaro complimented, taking the bottle. He then took a few looks around and tried to do a sneaky cheek kiss, “Just a small thank you for everything you’ve done for me!” 

Korekiyo cupped his cheek once Rantaro pulled away, “Darling, not in public…”

Maki almost visibly gagged from the sweetness, but she was overall surprised at how calm Kaito was being. In fact, he was a bit too calm…

“Ugh,” Kaito sneered, “Some couples, man. Can you guys keep the PDA away from our current company?”

_ Oh, he’s actually playing along quite well? _

Actually, everyone was playing a good part in the whole thing. Rantaro and Korekiyo were still casually flirting in the back, almost  _ too casually…  _ And of course, with the new discovery that Kaito was a decent actor, Maki supposed she should play her part as well. 

“My, why aren’t you two a lovey-dovey couple. How cute!” the person said, finally interrupting, “Oh how rude of me! I haven’t introduced myself yet. The name’s Cae, nice to meet you.”

They turned the corner into the actual kitchen and dining area of the place, and Cae faced the whole crew, “What can I get you all today?”

“Well, we were wondering if we could get a last minute wedding cake,” Rantaro explained, “Me and my b- uh- fiance were so busy with wedding preparations that we completely forgot about the main dessert! Isn’t that right, babe?”

Korekiyo nodded to confirm, turning around. Cae froze when they saw Korekiyo’s shirt, “That’s right, darling. It’s a very funny story, definitely one we’ll tell in the reception, but we just had to take a pit stop at the best wedding cake maker in town, of course. We want a-”

“I-I’m afraid I cannot serve you, sorry,” Cae said, suddenly retreating. 

“Woah woah woah buddy, why not?” Rantaro asked with passive aggressiveness in his voice. 

“Yo, is it because they’re both dudes?” Kaito asked, “Cuz I’d like to think we’re pretty progressive in this day and age and that isn’t very cool brother.”

“No, no, no, you misunderstand me! I’m not doing it because they’re both male, I’m actually non-binary myself,” Cae pointed to the nearby wall and sure enough, it had a non-binary flag on it, “The problem is that monstrosity on his shirt!” 

Cae pointed dramatically at Korekiyo. 

“Me? What’s wrong with this shirt, hm?” Korekiyo asked. 

“The design of a particular demon is on there! The very demon that my religion opposes, I’m afraid I can’t serve your kind, they’re far too evil. It will go against my very beliefs. I will recommend another shop, but for now, I will not serve a couple that crosses my threshold wearing that- that- that hideous beast!”

Korekiyo rolled his eyes while Rantaro rolled up his sleeves, “Now, listen here-”

Maki held back a, now aggressive, Rantaro back from defending his “fiance” and just when her grip loosened, Kaito stepped in. 

“Play along,” Kaito whispered. 

What.

“Ahaha, you’ve caught us. Dang it, we were so close to pulling that prank off!” Kaito exclaimed, giving Korekiyo a friendly clap on the back. 

“The what now?” Rantaro asked, confused. 

“Oh, you know,” Kaito said, “The prank that Kokichi made us play off. With you two. Being a fake couple. With the shirt.”

_ What??? _

“Ohhh,” Rantaro said, catching on, “Right, the prank… Yeah, sorry dude, you’ve been tricked.”

“Mhm,” Kaito turned towards Cae, “Me and Maki were the real engaged couple, sorry for pranking you there bud. No hard feelings right?”

Maki was flabbergasted. 

“I- no- but- I’m...a- you see-” Maki tried to speak, but Kaito pulled her in for a hug. 

“Ah, my fiance gets so cute when she’s flustered, haha!” Kaito said, “Anyways, give me back the rings guys, pranks over. It was fun while it lasted.”

“You two both use male rings?” Cae asked, suspicious.

“Male, female, pshhh- c’mon, we’re in a progressive era! If my wife likes it, why does the ring form or design have to matter?” Kaito slapped his knee, “Oh, shoot, did I say wife? Getting ahead of myself there, right honey?”

Maki decided she was going to murder someone. Who? She didn’t know, but it’ll come to her soon, “Right...dear…”

“You bring up a good point,” Cae sighed, “What about the-?”

“Oh, the shirt?” Kaito interrupted, “Well, neither of us, the engaged couple, is wearing it, so it shouldn’t matter now, yes?”

“You’re right, but-” 

“Then what’s stopping us, bud? Let’s get started here, eh? We were thinking a-”

And so, Kaito proceeded to list off every obscure ingredient and design on Kokichi’s cake, down to the last decoration. Maki didn’t even notice that Kaito’s arm was around her the whole time until he left, taking the warmth with him. She kind of missed it. Not that she would ever tell anybody that. 

“Thanks for putting up with us today, Maki!” Rantaro said as they were carrying the boxed and finished wedding cake into the car. 

“Especially for that.... unfortunate accident there,” Korekiyo added on. 

“It’s fine. Just don’t say anything to Kokichi. He’ll never let me live it down,” Maki said, already planning his death. 

“Aw, why not? Did you hate our fake engagement that much, Maki? Or should I say honey?” Kaito teased. 

“Nevermind, apparently Kaito’s the one that will never let it go,” Maki said, sighing as she incorporated Kaito into her murder schemes as well. 

“By the way,” Kaito said, switching the topic, “What does uh- what was it? Non? Non binanary? Not bin mary? Yeah, that. What does it mean?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Maki said, knowing full on well she won’t. 

After all, there was enough chaos in the day. 

And Maki still had a murder to plan. 

~

“-and THAT’s when we all jump out with a friendly ‘SURPRISE!’. Got that?” Angie said, rehearsing the script one more time. 

“Is that before or after the glitter spray and the Melanie Martinez blast?” Himiko asked, taking genuine notes. 

“After, of course,” Angie confirmed, then clapped, “Now one more time from the top!”

“Listen, I just don’t think the song Pity Party is very good for the introductory bash,” Tenko added, hand picking the fallen glitter sprinkles on the floor, “Doesn’t really set the mood that well.” 

“Atua understands, but this is a ritual on my island!” Angie said. 

“Again, I would really like to understand your island a bit better,” Korekiyo said, setting down the wedding cake on the table with the help of Rantaro, “I’ve never heard of one with a culture that you describe. If it’s possible, I would like to request a tour.”

“Sorry! No visitors!” Angie said immediately, with no hesitation. Almost like it was scripted, or as if she’s said it a million times.

“Is that all you’ve called us for today, Angie?” Kokichi asked, slightly irritated. 

“Yup! Have an Atua-blessed day and best of luck!” Angie said, cheering the group on. 

“Nyeh...then what was the point of this?” Himiko asked, confused.

“Ah,” Tsumugi realized, “I think this is a message from the author realizing that they’ve spent too long on a birthday post that’s irrelevant towards the plot, but they love Kirumi too much to not go through with it, so now they’re sitting here at near six thousand words and they aren’t even close to finishing _ and-- _ ”

Angie smacked Tsumugi with a party popper. 

“Is she done speaking nonsense?” Angie asked as Tsumugi snapped out of it. 

“Yeah, I am. Sorry about that, I have no idea what came over me,” Tsumugi apologized.

“Mhm, now let’s go Smoothie, we have our own job to do,” Kokichi called out ominously. Shuichi wondered when he'd ever stop being interesting. Rantaro looked worried. 

~

“And you’re sure she said that?” Kokichi asked again, double-checking. 

“I swear to whatever God is out there that Kirumi said she wouldn’t even mind if she got a  _ feather duster _ as a present, because it’s the thought that counts,” Kaede huffed, “And I got thinking and she’s right, you know? We didn’t have to go over-the-top like this. I think some nice, warm celebration would’ve done the trick as well.”

“Mom doesn’t want much because she has nothing to compare it to!” Kokichi refuted, “You’ll see, I’m right in the end!”

And oh, Kaede tried to argue against that, but Kokichi hung up right before she even started. 

“Okay group!” Kokichi said to his ragtag team of Tsumugi and Ryoma, “Change into some clothes that are easy to move in, we’ll meet in the front.”

And so Ryoma and Tsumugi shrugged, because  _ Hey! What could go wrong?  _ and obediently met in the front yard after changing just to be met with news that they’ve suspected, but have now confirmed. 

“So we’re breaking into the national Feather Duster museum to steal their bedazzled one imbedded with diamonds. I’ve done a bit of research and according to the google pics, it’s in the middle, displayed under a glass roof. We can smash in from there, and just snatch it.” Kokichi shared his plan with the others, completely serious, “There won’t be many guards since most people won’t think of stealing feather dusters, so it’ll be real easy.”

The news being that Kokichi was  _ insane. _

“WHAT?!” Tsumugi screamed, the first one to reactant, “But t-that’s just plain stealing! We can’t do that, that’s wrong! This isn’t what I signed up for, aren’t we the group that’s supposed to be planning the party anyway?” 

“Well, you see, Mogi, after assisting our friends in their wacky shenanigans to get simple daily tasks like shopping done, I realized that our group is chaotic enough to bring entertainment wherever we go!” Kokichi explained. 

“Well, I’m down,” Ryoma said, “I’ve already been in jail, so what’s another visit? Plus, theft is only 2 to 10 years in prison, and the fine can’t be more than ten thousand dollars. But that’s only if the feather duster we’re stealing is less than one hundred and fifty thousand.”

“Wow!” Kokichi exclaimed, glad to have a partner, “You sure know your stuff!” 

“T-” Tsumugi looked like she almost fainted, “TWO TO TEN YEARS? WHAT?” 

“Oh, is theft not your style? Are we using force too? In that case, it’s robbery, which has the same punishments as theft, but the jail time can go up to 20 years,” Ryoma explained. 

“What? I always thought theft and robbery were the same thing,” Tsumugi questioned. 

“Yeah, it’s a common misunderstanding. Also if we hurt an elderly or disabled person while attempting robbery, that’s a first degree crime, and we could potentially get a life sentence to jail.”

“Life sentence?!” Tsumugi shrieked. 

“Well we’re already planning and talking about it, which is technically conspiracy, which is a crime unto itself.”

“No! NO, no no, I-I’m not even here!” Tsumugi backed away, “I didn’t agree to anything! You can’t imprison me like this!” 

Ryoma laughed, and Kokichi must admit, he was a bit amused as well, “C’mon Tsumugi,” Kokichi tried to talk her into it, “Let’s commit crime! Best friend goals!” 

“No, absolutely not! Where’s Rantaro, I’m sure he can talk some sense into you. We don’t even have any modes of transportation!” Tsumugi said, trying to reason with Kokichi. 

Kokichi grinned, cocky, “That’s where you’re wrong Tsu-chan! I have the keys to Rantaro’s helicopter.”

Tsumugi finally sighed, “Using Japanese honorifics even though we’re in America? And you dare to call me a weeb.”

“And?”

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” 

“Nope!”

“You do realize I can’t cosplay in jail.”

“And you do realize we’re only going to jail if we get caught?”

Tsumugi chuckled, “Alright then. This would be a great opportunity for real life experience and research for the phantom thief I’m writing in my f- uh- story. I’m not paying the fine though.”

“The guy just said we only have to do that if we get caught,” Ryoma cut in, “Don’t go underestimating us just yet.”

“Let’s get moving,” Kokichi said as he unlocked the helicopter, “If we hurry, we can make it back just a little bit before 9 PM.”

After landing, the realization of what they were doing finally set in. 

_ Oh my god, we’re stealing something.  _

Aside from that feeling, the museum itself was actually beautiful for being something that contained feather dusters. 

“Is it just me or do you think this is a bit over dramatic and fancy for simple and plain feather dusters?” Tsumugi asked as they (very subtly) landed on the glass dome roof. 

“Yeah, it is,” Kokichi backed up, glad he wasn’t the only one who thought that, “The owner must be filthy rich with a sense of humor. I wonder who it is, we would probably get along.” 

“Less talking, more working,” Ryoma instructed, grabbing the rope they were using to drop someone in.

“Who’re we dropping?” Tsumugi asked, realizing they hadn’t planned that beforehand. 

“We need someone that’s small and agile,” Ryoma deducted. 

“Someone that thinks quickly on their feet,” Tsumugi replied. 

“Someone that probably doesn’t have a lot of muscle.”

“Someone that’s charming and smart to get away if they do get caught.”

“Someone that we can trust.”

“And someone that looks good in this mask,” Tsumugi said, pulling a black and white mask with a dark red feather on one side.

Ryoma gave her a confused look. 

“I found it before we left,” Tsumugi shrugged, “I thought that if we were going to jail, might as well go in style.”

They both turned towards Kokichi. 

“What?” Kokichi asked before realizing, “Oh, I get it. Once my services are needed, y’all turn to me. Is friendship even real?! I feel so used and betrayed! What will happen if I fail? Will you just leave me here to ROT?!” 

“Shut up and put on the plain mask,” Tsumugi said sharply. 

After securing the rope on Kokichi, they faced the hardest task. Breaking the roof. 

Thankfully, Ryoma had a lot more guts than the other two and smashed the roof without hesitation. Once the sharp glass shards graced the floor, a million alarm bells rang. 

Tsumugi winced as someone screamed, “Someone’s breaking in!” 

“Hurry up and drop him in!! That’s just one guy, we can take him!!” Ryoma shouted above the bells, and it’s a miracle Tsumugi even understood him. 

Tsumugi strained as she dropped Kokichi in carefully. As soon as Kokichi touched the floor, he began rushing towards the center. He saw the glass shards from earlier that seemed to have triggered a laser alarm. 

_ Seriously, who has enough money for this?  _

Kokichi’s eye caught the glimmer in the somewhat dim room. His mind knew that that could only be one thing. The feather duster. Kokichi ran towards it, breath hitching as he took it from the stand. And it could’ve just been his imagination, but the alarms only grew louder as he took it. 

The feather duster was actually gorgeous. High quality ostrich feathers, with the handle being made out of gold infused wood (which he didn’t even know was possible!). Thin diamonds were placed all the way from the top to the feathers. Kokichi glanced at the information plate before tugging on the rope to let Tsumugi know that he was ready to go back up. $130,000. He froze recalling what Ryoma said about the price affecting their jail time (but only if they get caught, that is!). 

And apparently Tsumugi was weak as hell (Kokichi mentally makes a note to tell her to work out more after the whole ordeal was over) because she was taking forever to raise him up. So long that the guards (Kokichi silently laughed to himself because it really was just one guard) showed up! 

“Halt, you heinous criminal!” the guard said before actually looking at Kokichi, “Or uh- 11 year old boy. Are you lost? Why are you here?”

Kokichi rolled his eyes, now pissed at a random feather duster museum guard. Apparently, Tsumugi thought that was hilarious, because he could feel the rope hesitate and shake, “Hurry the fuck up, Smoothie before I tell Kaede that you were the one who took her pastel nail polish!” 

“Are you sure you should be talking to me like that?” Tsumugi said, trying not to laugh at her own joke, “And isn’t that some strong language for a little eleven year old boy?” 

“Is that your mother, little child?” the guard asked again, “Is she forcing you to commit the crime?”

“HELL NO!” both of them screamed at the same time. 

“Oh, I  _ KNOW  _ that you did not just assume my motherfucking gender!” Tsumugi raged, “Plus,  _ me? _ As  _ his  _ mother? No thanks.” 

Kokichi flipped off the confused guard as he was finally heaved onto the roof. 

And from the yelling going on beneath him, he could tell that the guard finally realized his mistake. 

“Since you two are new to this whole business, I’ll excuse you just this once,” Ryoma finally said, “But this is usually the part where we run.”

Tsumugi nodded, and Kokichi pretended not to hear when Ryoma said how this would be a good video idea for him. 

~

Kirumi was a woman of routine and generosity. 

After all, she was practically raised that way. She couldn’t really remember the last time she celebrated birthdays before she met Kokichi (who was supremely pissed when he found out she never cared about hers). 

Kirumi didn’t really expect much honestly, she was used to taking care of others. She loved doing it too, her most prominent goal in life. And seeing as romance wasn’t an option for her, she would usually just take care of her friends. She never expected them to do anything for her either, especially on her birthday. Spending the “special” day by herself was routine, almost always expected.

Of course, that didn’t change how Kirumi wished and hoped this year would be a bit different. 

“SURPRISE!!” everyone screamed, as they rained confetti from the skies. Kaede strapped a party hat to Kirumi’s head. 

Kirumi instantly froze. 

Is this really reality? Oh, whatever dear god is out there, did they really take pity on her foolish request? Her silly wish? 

And the truth is, she would’ve cried if she didn’t realize that would ruin the mood. So instead, she just smiled. It felt so genuine on her face. 

Kirumi didn’t think she said enough thank yous that night. 

~

Shuichi laughed to himself as he saw how Kirumi still insisted on slicing and serving her own birthday cake. Somehow, through that chaos, Kokichi made his way over. 

“You really are an introvert to your core. Don’t you want to join the fun? I promise we don’t bite,” Kokichi said, attempting to lure Shuichi out. 

“Knowing you, that’s probably a lie,” Shuichi replied. 

“Oh, curse you and your analytical skills!” 

Shuichi laughed. 

“This was really nice of you,” Shuichi said, after a while. 

“What? Oh, no you misunderstand. This wasn’t done from the good intentions of my heart. I’m a cold-blooded villain! I only did this because every cold-blooded villain still treats their mother well. Unless, they’re some morally-grey villain with a traumatic childhood,” Kokichi said, spinning some wild tale. 

“But I mean it, Kirumi looks like she’s enjoying herself.”

“She better!! I spent months planning every detail. I talked to the Cake Lord myself to make sure I got what I wanted. I negotiated with the wacky waving inflatable tube man dealers. And I-” Kokichi stopped himself, “Well, you don’t know about that yet! Just watch, Shuichi, the best part hasn’t even come yet.”

And with that last ominous note, Kokichi left and walked in the house to retrieve something. Shuichi, watching with curious intent. 

He walked out, “May I have everyone’s attention!” He clinked a champagne glass. 

“Yo, are we doing shots?!” Miu asked, excitedly. 

Rantaro sighed, “You know I don’t drink…”

“No, this is about the present me, Tsumugi, and Ryoma prepared Mom!” Kokichi confirmed. 

Kirumi looked beyond excited, but still cleared her throat professionally, “You know you didn’t have to do that. In fact, you didn’t have to do any of this. I would have appreciated even a small get-together and a movie.”

Kaede coughed in the background, a clear  _ I told you so _ but Shuichi didn’t know who that was directed at. 

“Yes,” Kokichi said, gritting his teeth together, “However, I do suggest you open this present. It’s a good one.”

“If you insist,” Kirumi said, taking the present. She slowly unwrapped the bow and opened the box. Inside, was the most expensive feather duster Shuichi had ever seen in his life, “Why, this is-” Kirumi started. 

“That’s right! That’s the most expensive feather duster in the world! Straight from the National Feather Duster Museum!” Kokichi announced. Everyone looked astonished, except for Rantaro, who looked confused (and even sort of amused). 

That astonishment didn’t last long though, for right after the announcement, multiple helicopters surrounded the house. 

A dude who looked both angry and anxious, “That’s him! The little boy who took the feather duster!” 

No one said anything. Except Kokichi. 

“I’m almost 25, you fucker!!” 

BONUS: 

“In honor of Kirumi and her whole uh-” Kaede paused, “ _ incident _ . I have a proposal!!” Kaede then stepped aside to show an abnormally large calendar, “Now we can all jot down each other’s birthdays and maybe other important events, so none of us will ever skip or forget a birthday ever again!” 

“That’s a great fucking idea!” Miu supported, being the first one who wrote down her birthday. 

Everyone else agreed, and slowly wrote down their birthdays too. 

And after looking through it, Shuichi noticed one thing. 

“Hey Kokichi,” Shuichi shifted through the calendar, “You wrote down your birthday 53 times.”

“Well yeah!” Kokichi said, “Someone as important as me can’t just be celebrated one time.” 

“What made you decide 53 was the place to stop?” Shuichi asked, curious. 

“I don’t know. Felt right,” Kokichi responded. 

“Fair enough,” Shuichi said, “Then can you tell us your actual birthday, so we can celebrate it on the correct day?” 

“Nope! You’re a detective, right? Figure it out yourself.”

“That’s-”  _ Ridiculous!  _ Shuichi wanted to scream, but then reconsidered. This was a small game, right? One he could win. A competitive streak Shuichi himself didn’t know he had, rose up, “Challenge accepted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH MINI CLIFFHANGER??????  
> my brain: we should come up with something more realistic and sensible this time, to keep it short  
> also my brain: fish generator, enby cake maker, wacky waving inflatable tube men, theft from the nATIONAL FEATHER DUSTER MUSEUM   
> can we make "fake engagement in order to get some fancy wedding cake for my friend's birthday party" an official au?
> 
> also my friend did a read-through of my fic, link here if you want to torture yourself > https://youtu.be/6HEaNHUcn34  
> a summary of the video in her words: "me screaming over your fanfic featuring crappy impressions of voices and stupid commentary"
> 
> If you ever need to reach me, dm me at my twitter (celia_xan) or insta (celia.xan)
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are very appreciated! Be sure to come back if you want another fill of the chaos.


End file.
